Firstly, the car is not ready and won’t be until at least late next week. This is just so typical as it would have been just amazing to have had it in this weather.

Matt sat down with me and actually listened. He has agreed to me allowing him to stay here until he is offered a council place but on the condition that he allows me to guide him with his finances and that he spend each day looking for a better paid job. The consequences of not doing so means out he goes, this really is last chance in the hope he’ll finally take an opportunity to make some real changes in his life which will make a difference.

I would just be so disappointed in his if he lets me down this time.

Apologies for multi publications, the software screwed up

Firstly, the car is not ready and won’t be until at least late next week. This is just so typical as it would have been just amazing to have had it in this weather.

Matt sat down with me and actually listened. He has agreed to me allowing him to stay here until he is offered a council place but on the condition that he allows me to guide him with his finances and that he spend each day looking for a better paid job. The consequences of not doing so means out he goes, this really is last chance in the hope he’ll finally take an opportunity to make some real changes in his life which will make a difference.

I would just be so disappointed in his if he lets me down this time.

Apologies for multi publications, the software screwed up

Where does it end? Maybe that should be ‘when?’

I think I have done my best with the kids. On the whole I have had to work it all out for myself. I have had no support or role models to guide me. I have just had gut instinct and a wish that no harm comes to them. It has been a very tough job, nothing that people get paid for can possibly compare to it as far as maximum stress for minimal reward goes.

Often I ask myself why? What is the purpose of kids? True, they carry the genes, a little piece of me will live on after I have gone but the cost is too high if that is all there is. There is a lot of love along the way but, if I am honest, it is so rarely demonstrated I could be forgiven for missing it.

This is a job for which I can see no reward. My hope would have been that as they got older some of what I had given by way of love and commitment would be given back. That somewhere a balance would be achieved between us in that neither was any longer the giver but we both were. I don’t know when that is meant to happen because I have not seen any of it yet. We are just cruising through life waiting for things to change. We go around in circles over and over. I make the rules, they break them. I ask for help, they give me more work, I offer help and they reject me, I ask for trust they tell me lies.

I have invested a lot in the kids in the hope that when I die someone will say ‘he did well’ but I don’t think that is going to happen. I see a gravestone saying ‘here is a loser, good intentions that fell apart, he achieved nothing’.

That’s what I guess I really ever wanted from having kids, to have people that were better than I am, had greater chances in life, had the will to always aim higher than I could ever have done. For an outright snob it is so difficult to admit that my kids are average, could do better, just like I was 🙁

In other aspects of my life I have done some things I am proud of, I have had influence on people which has changed them for the better and I am pleased with that BUT … parenting is and always has been my main job and if I can’t succeed at that then it makes everything else seem insignificant to me because my kids are a mirror on me, how people see them is how they see me.

It’s becoming real hard to bounce back right now. I shall cos I always do but this is hurting real bad and there really is nothing that anyone can do as far as I can see unless some minor miracle happens.

Where does it end? Maybe that should be ‘when?’

I think I have done my best with the kids. On the whole I have had to work it all out for myself. I have had no support or role models to guide me. I have just had gut instinct and a wish that no harm comes to them. It has been a very tough job, nothing that people get paid for can possibly compare to it as far as maximum stress for minimal reward goes.

Often I ask myself why? What is the purpose of kids? True, they carry the genes, a little piece of me will live on after I have gone but the cost is too high if that is all there is. There is a lot of love along the way but, if I am honest, it is so rarely demonstrated I could be forgiven for missing it.

This is a job for which I can see no reward. My hope would have been that as they got older some of what I had given by way of love and commitment would be given back. That somewhere a balance would be achieved between us in that neither was any longer the giver but we both were. I don’t know when that is meant to happen because I have not seen any of it yet. We are just cruising through life waiting for things to change. We go around in circles over and over. I make the rules, they break them. I ask for help, they give me more work, I offer help and they reject me, I ask for trust they tell me lies.

I have invested a lot in the kids in the hope that when I die someone will say ‘he did well’ but I don’t think that is going to happen. I see a gravestone saying ‘here is a loser, good intentions that fell apart, he achieved nothing’.

That’s what I guess I really ever wanted from having kids, to have people that were better than I am, had greater chances in life, had the will to always aim higher than I could ever have done. For an outright snob it is so difficult to admit that my kids are average, could do better, just like I was 🙁

In other aspects of my life I have done some things I am proud of, I have had influence on people which has changed them for the better and I am pleased with that BUT … parenting is and always has been my main job and if I can’t succeed at that then it makes everything else seem insignificant to me because my kids are a mirror on me, how people see them is how they see me.

It’s becoming real hard to bounce back right now. I shall cos I always do but this is hurting real bad and there really is nothing that anyone can do as far as I can see unless some minor miracle happens.