It’s been troubling me for some time … why it is that it is always assumed that being gay is just about sex?

I love being with men but sex isn’t what does it for me. I just feel more comfortable around men. I like hugs and kisses and being tender with a man. I mean, sex can be great but why do guys automatically assume that it has to end in sex?

This pain thing I currently have has got me thinking about it more because I am also thinking what maybe I can’t do as easily as I would like, more accurately, what I may like to do to someone else. It bothers me that I could be less of a person because I can’t perform as well as I would be happy performing. What upsets me more though is that I may not be able to give pleasure to someone I really care about, yes, you know and the rest can guess. So, if that doesn’t happen, well, it’s OK by me it doesn’t have to. If it does and it somehow turns out to be wonderful, then, well, enough said.

Why write it here?

Because I need to say it out loud or I will burst. Once I write something down it is out of my system, the pressure is lifted, that’s why. But, if anyone would rather not be mentioned, I can understand that too, just ask and if I can avoid it, I shall but try to remember, it’s my pressure release, don’t ask unless it’s really important.

It’s been troubling me for some time … why it is that it is always assumed that being gay is just about sex?

I love being with men but sex isn’t what does it for me. I just feel more comfortable around men. I like hugs and kisses and being tender with a man. I mean, sex can be great but why do guys automatically assume that it has to end in sex?

This pain thing I currently have has got me thinking about it more because I am also thinking what maybe I can’t do as easily as I would like, more accurately, what I may like to do to someone else. It bothers me that I could be less of a person because I can’t perform as well as I would be happy performing. What upsets me more though is that I may not be able to give pleasure to someone I really care about, yes, you know and the rest can guess. So, if that doesn’t happen, well, it’s OK by me it doesn’t have to. If it does and it somehow turns out to be wonderful, then, well, enough said.

Why write it here?

Because I need to say it out loud or I will burst. Once I write something down it is out of my system, the pressure is lifted, that’s why. But, if anyone would rather not be mentioned, I can understand that too, just ask and if I can avoid it, I shall but try to remember, it’s my pressure release, don’t ask unless it’s really important.

I travelled up to Sheffield with Robin today to see Mary and Sue and they are lovely, exactly my sort of nutters. I found it a little awkward having to tell them that I could not promise to go to Florida with them next October; they seemed to be certain I was going along with them. The fact it, there are too many things I just don’t know the answers to. I don’t know when Jermaine will go full time residential, I don’t know if I will be in college, work or at home. I don’t know how this arthritis (if that’s what it is) is going to affect me because it seems to get a little worse daily. I also have no idea how much money I will have to spend on anything as bold as a Florida holiday. I mean, if anyone can find the money it’s me but it’s by no means certain. I don’t know how well my friendship with Martyn will hold up either. He knows how I feel which may have been a mistake on my part so I half expect at any moment he will go into severe freaked out mode and that’ll be that. For my part, I don’t want or need to add any pressure to him, I would rather wait and see what, if anything, happens in the future and if we end up as just very good friends, that’s cool. So, I am thinking, yes, I would like to do Gran Canaria with Martyn in May and also Florida with him in October but ideally a villa of our own, I am not sure Mary and Sue would be overly keen about us skinnydipping in the pool though I am sure we’d get no complaints from Robin!

What I am finding really scary is that I am thinking to myself that, well, I have almost resigned myself to the possible fact that I may well be not long for the world of the fit and healthy. It worries me that I can be thinking that way as it certainly isn’t the way I want my life to go. The worrying aspect of that is that I would not feel right being around healthy people if I became incapable of doing stuff. Why put their life on hold. I know how I feel about the past decade or so of my life. Clearly I love my son but, on the other hand, I find myself wishing I’d had a normal life without all the caring. I am just not sure I want to put anyone else through that, I saw what it did to Nick and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Naturally enough, I don’t want that to happen to me either so I am hoping that whatever it is that is currently wrong with me turns out to be some sort of glitch and not serious. I guess this is just a huge period of uncertainty for me and … not nice.

I travelled up to Sheffield with Robin today to see Mary and Sue and they are lovely, exactly my sort of nutters. I found it a little awkward having to tell them that I could not promise to go to Florida with them next October; they seemed to be certain I was going along with them. The fact it, there are too many things I just don’t know the answers to. I don’t know when Jermaine will go full time residential, I don’t know if I will be in college, work or at home. I don’t know how this arthritis (if that’s what it is) is going to affect me because it seems to get a little worse daily. I also have no idea how much money I will have to spend on anything as bold as a Florida holiday. I mean, if anyone can find the money it’s me but it’s by no means certain. I don’t know how well my friendship with Martyn will hold up either. He knows how I feel which may have been a mistake on my part so I half expect at any moment he will go into severe freaked out mode and that’ll be that. For my part, I don’t want or need to add any pressure to him, I would rather wait and see what, if anything, happens in the future and if we end up as just very good friends, that’s cool. So, I am thinking, yes, I would like to do Gran Canaria with Martyn in May and also Florida with him in October but ideally a villa of our own, I am not sure Mary and Sue would be overly keen about us skinnydipping in the pool though I am sure we’d get no complaints from Robin!

What I am finding really scary is that I am thinking to myself that, well, I have almost resigned myself to the possible fact that I may well be not long for the world of the fit and healthy. It worries me that I can be thinking that way as it certainly isn’t the way I want my life to go. The worrying aspect of that is that I would not feel right being around healthy people if I became incapable of doing stuff. Why put their life on hold. I know how I feel about the past decade or so of my life. Clearly I love my son but, on the other hand, I find myself wishing I’d had a normal life without all the caring. I am just not sure I want to put anyone else through that, I saw what it did to Nick and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Naturally enough, I don’t want that to happen to me either so I am hoping that whatever it is that is currently wrong with me turns out to be some sort of glitch and not serious. I guess this is just a huge period of uncertainty for me and … not nice.