Went over to see Jermaine earlier.

He wasn’t in such a good mood today, told me to ‘Get out’, well, shouted at me actually. I ignored him and after half an hour managed to get a hug. I love him to bits but, at the same time, and I know this comes across as selfish, it’s really distressing seeing him like this and there is totally nothing I can do about it. I can’t communicate in any meaningful way and neither can he. As a parent, and knowing it’s not true, I still feel like I am letting him down … the joys of parenting, knowing one thing and feeling another.

You know, just not make any life changing decisions, don’t even date anyone, don’t even talk to someone with a view to dating them.

It would seem that I keep making the same sort of mistakes with people. You know, I trust them, I open up, lay myself vulnerable and then get stabbed in the back.

Certainly I need to stop being so stupid as to think I could have a long distance relationship! Hell, I’ve been lied to and cheated on by those in my own town, I must increase the chances of that happening many times over by adding distance into the equation!

What has sparked this?

Well, you’ll recall I got quite attached to a guy called Randy. He’s been quite lovely, saying all the right things, giving the real impression that he had hopes for something special between us, even just a couple of days ago he said this face to face across Skype and yet … I got a message from someone else in the UK telling me they’ve declared unending love for each other and they are going to live happily ever after. I was a little shocked but then, it also made sense, you know, one of those light bulb moments. Turns out it’s all true of course, Randy was keeping his options open, probably not just with me but, clearly waiting to see which guy would come up with the very real promise of money and Randy’s shipment to the UK!

So, I got made to look totally and utterly stupid again, a recurring theme of late.

Really it is, I just need not to trust anyone. It’s not serving any purpose, no one benefits from it and I end up the victim. So, time to toughen up and join the very real world where we assume we’re being lied to unless we get proof otherwise, assume someone is playing an angle at each opportunity. Had I done that previously I’d not been made such a fool of in the past. I’d have straight away suspected something and told those concerned to go do one!

So, time to take stock and just spend time with those who have not shit on me previously from now on. Thankfully I do still know plenty of people like that. Time to create some stability in my life. Not quite sure how I am going to do that but, I got to try at least. (When I think of something)