For over 5 months now, me and Dennis have spoken every day. I don’t think we’ve missed a day yet. Sometimes we don’t manage our several hour long sessions on Skype, occasionally it’s just a quick Viber conversation or text chat but we always communicate somehow.

True, some of those times are like hospital visits, neither of us quite knowing what to say, that’s the problem with the distance, those are the time when we both really just want to hug but, how does that communicate over technology?

Of course, I’ve totally no idea what Dennis sees in me. I’m stressed more often than not, I rearrange our slots online, cut them short, invite the family along, take him someone else for the chat. I’ve ballooned, I think, since he first saw me. When I get stressed, I eat and, when I eat I get bigger ‘almost’ everywhere! But, I do love him, there is something special about Dennis. Beyond his good looks and his amazing smile he is just this amazing person with a great sense of humour, some honest humility and vulnerability. He’s got confidence where it is needed. He’s intelligent .. wait, I am going to start repeating myself here! No one could be more proud than me when he sings, I don’t care if he wins the 2017 XFactor or never does more than sing in the shower, as long as I can hear him then I am happy. Of course, the more happy Dennis is the happier I am.

We’ve got some struggles ahead the two of us but, as Dennis said, together we can do it.

Even on my most stressed out days, one smile from Dennis and I know I can cope.

I am both excited and scared of finally meeting … at long last! (when we do)

Just now I can cope (just) not being physically in the same place but, once I know how it feels, wow, how can I walk away from that?

No way can I imagine a future without him and the future with him seems to very clear to me.

Yes, this is a little embarrassing maybe, soppy, maybe but some people worry they will never find someone to get old with, I really, really feel that I have and I don’t ever want to forget how blessed I am.

<3

I am amazed
When I look at you
I see you smiling back at me
It’s like all my dreams come true

I am afraid
If I lost you now
I’d fall through the cracks
And lose me track in this crazy lonely world

Sometimes it’s so hard to believe
When the nights can be so long
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me going on

You are the love of my life
And I’m so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me

I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

I feel guilty because I didn’t get to see Zoey today. It must be so scary for her and difficult to trust anyone. We’ve all but told her she’ll be coming home yet no one visited today. Of course, had we gone we’d still have had to leave her there and perhaps that might have been worse than not going at all, who knows?

Today I’ve been getting some help from a friend to put a stronger case for Zoey’s release should they deny her the right to come home by Monday. I knew most of it but, even so, having someone else write it all up and to act as a sounding board and come up with the same conclusions as me is comforting.

Today I passed on visiting the hospital as I’d not have been strong enough to cope if Zoey got upset. Yes, that’s selfish, I know this but I don’t want her to feel my nervousness as to whether she is coming home or not. Yesterday we all managed to be so positive and that’s how I want her to carry on feeling.

It feels like I am not likely to get completely over the bug I had for a while yet, I’ve felt a little feverish today on top of my cold, I really just want to go to bed if I am honest.

There is only one option to not coping and that’s giving up and I don’t like to do that, I’ve rarely got to the point where I had to and I don’t relish the thought of having to do it again, I am not in that mindset.

I am very grateful to all those who have been are remain supporting me and the rest of the family, it is much appreciated. It’s tough not just on me but on everyone who cares about Zoey not least Zoey herself.