If I was as good as I sometimes think I am at psychology then I would understand why it is that for many weeks I have felt the way that I do but I am not as good as I’d like to be so I just don’t understand this.
The facts, as I know them are this:
- Clearly I am loved and admired by many
- Many depend on me for their happiness, their well-being and financial security
- I work really hard
- I push my self to my limits and go out of my way to do the right thing
Knowing those things doesn’t change the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely.
I don’t ever feel as though anyone thinks more than in momentary passing what it is that Steve needs in life. Anyone who seems to make the effort generally seem to have their own motivation & satisfaction at heart. This makes me feel like a non person. Like ‘that’ I exist is important but ‘who I am’ simply isn’t.
When it comes to being looked after and nurtured I am bottom of the list, at the back of the queue. Those around me who do so little get rewarded with treats and pleasures whilst I am left to get on with things and carry on working. I don’t remember a day when I have had the day off, not had to do anything all day. That is not to say it hasn’t happened but more that this is such a rare occurrence I just can’t remember it. Indeed, it would have to be a birthday or something similar before anyone consider my existing for long enough to believe an effort should be made.
Someone owes me money but they find it more convenient to rewrite history than to repay the loan. I never said “You don’t have to repay me” I said, “I don’t expect to be repaid but it would be really good if you did”. To my way of thinking that means, in light of how difficult it has been to get blood out of your stone I don’t expect to be repaid, that doesn’t mean you don’t owe the money, more that I predict my insisting on repayment won’t get me anything. So, they write history to my cost and then flaunt their money in front of me.
Because of a stupid mistake I made early in the year I could find myself effectively bankrupt within 12 months. That thought scares me constantly. I don’t often make mistakes but I made that one and either way I am going to have to pay for it. If I settle now then I have to make those around me go without now, just before Christmas. If I leave it, I may lose and then have to make those around me go without later. Which ever I decide I am going to lose big time, those around me will dislike me for it, I shall feel humiliated and unsupported. Whilst this is going on I am being asked if I am going on holiday next year! The simple fact is, I can’t really make a commitment about anything any longer. I really don’t know what money I am likely to have and it is scary. I am doing OK now but with this legal battle ahead of me I could well be royally screwed.
Social Services are being arses over James. It seems to me the only course of action is really to allow James autonomy to make his own choices. To remove his involvement with social services and to be self reliant with my help. That clearly further reduces my financial abilities as I will have to fund him with the situation being so that I can’t even claim for child benefit if he attends college.
Next month I have the tribunal hearing with regard to Jermaine and his DLA. I am expecting that to this time be rejected for us to have to put in an appeal. If it is approved then we shall still have to wait for the DWP to once again object and appeal. It is going to be many months before I have the slightest idea what is going on.
In short, my best doesn’t feel good enough any more. I am questioning my abilities. I don’t feel valued as a person and valued as a resource isn’t good enough for me.