Pigeon Holes

Do you ever find that without you doing much you have been placed in a pigeon hole? Judgements are made and those opinions stick with you. You are effectively the short, fat, old, ginger, gay, black … guy

Well, when I identified as ‘gay’ (because I am so, not a choice then) I was OK to find my pigeon hole was with gay men, lesbians and bisexual men and women. It worked, we all were attracted to someone of the same gender (at least sometimes in the case of bisexuals).

True, I rapidly discovered it wasn’t that simple. You see, I was not a stereotypical gay man. No, a stereotypical gay man was gay first and foremost. Everyone had to know they were out and proud, they were not monogamous, they were often rude and opinionated and, well, I wasn’t. I also discovered that actually, quite a lot of lesbians really don’t like men at all be they gay or heterosexual and, as for the bisexuals, well, no one ever quite knew where they were with them.

But, basically, I was part of the LGB ‘community’. Community is actually a really bad word, it totally isn’t! It’s full of cliques, and this group, that group, tops, bottoms, versatiles, leather queens, twinks … of it so goes on!

But, if someone (clearly not thinking much) wants to put me in the LGB pigeon hole, then OK.

Except now it isn’t OK!

Imagine you are in your lovely Catholic support group and then you discover, it’s no longer the Catholic support group but rather, the multi-faith support group! I mean, a radical departure right. Now imagine it is the black and multi-faith support group, wow, suddenly it feels like it’s not your group any more right?

So, imagine, if you will, how I felt when I’d just got used to this LGB thing when suddenly I was now in the same pigoen hole as trans and heaven knows what other gender issue groups there are.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own unique community but, what do trans people have in common with LGB? One is about sexuality and the other about gender and, news flash, these are not the same thing.

I therefore disconnect myself, I have left the pigeon loft and am a community of one

(unless other gays choose to join me).

Leave me the F*** alone!

It is absolutely impossible for me to rest, never!

I honestly feel that I am involved with Zoey’s care 24/7, like, anyone can contact me at any time with an absolute screw up of their own making and I will deal with it.

Social Care have made so many screw ups it’s just awkward now. Despite the mess they’ve created it’s still the same people making the mistakes who are running the shit show.

One crap care provider after another, each competing with each other to see which can come up with the biggest bullshit to explain why they’re not managing her.

No one, not a one of them, ever has a clue what might be going wrong, it’s sickening. It’s like they are just not there. Sure, they know about the damage Zoey causes in great detail but, not what is actually upsetting her.

You know, Zoey was previously abused by her carers, years ago now. Sadly, any carer who looks like them seems to be a trigger and yet, because looking like them refers to their colour, she is told to just get over it and she keeps getting these triggers but, their hands are tied as they are not allowed to mention this could be a trigger!

I said to them, if she had been abused by a male carer recently, is it OK to say ‘no male carers’ and the social workers said that, of course, that’s OK!

Let’s look at the definition of the groups which cannot be discriminated against:

Oh dear, apparently, gender is included and, as such, social care cannot discriminate about a man but, they say they can.

I wonder, are there any provisions whereby any of the above can be a factor when engageing somebody to work with a vulnerable adult? I would think that, if social care feel a man can be but, someone non white can, there must be such a provision so, is there any workaround?

There are some instances where patients are discriminatory that should be dealt with differently.

These can be categorised under three headings:

  1. When a patient’s behaviours are linked to an underlying condition or pathology e.g. mental health illness, dementia.
  2. When the behaviour is from a legal guardian of the patient e.g., parent of a child or person who has power of attorney for a patient.
  3. When the characteristic of the healthcare worker will affect the physical and mental wellbeing of a patient e.g. requesting a specific gender for a personal or sensitive care, or psychological treatment.

Apparently, there is something which could be used here but, they cannot use it until they acknowledge the previous abuse. Once that is acknowledged they can then state that because a certain characteristic is likely to be a trigger, those who have that cannot work with Zoey.

The bottom line is, for the second time this week, in the middle of the week I am sorting things out which are the responsibility of others because they either do not want to or, don’t know they should.

Friday afternoon, I have another online MDT. I don’t really feel inclined to attend to be totally honest. By no accident it has been arranged just in time for everyone to go home and enjoy their weekend. It is, therefore, really just a tick box thing, we did it and let’s just cross our fingers and hope nothing happens over the weekend.

Anyway, right now, Zoey is under arrest somewhere in Kettering. Because someone employed by social care said she has capacity they had no interest in whether she might need her LPA, they would deal with everything themselves. The phone call was so short as to be rude. Well done social care for that.

There is no outcome from this which is going to be good for Zoey. Everyone was told to do a proper risk assessment, they didn’t. Same as the last lot and the lot before that. This is crisis managment on top of crisis management.

Were I fit and well, I’d be a lot more affective, just now, I don’t have much left to give.

Are single dads treated differently to mums?

I would argue that absolutely this is the case!

  • Mothers who genuinely believe only they are uniquely capable of raising children
  • Women who have been surrounded by women dealing with women their entire career who just do not really understand why a man is trying to raise children
  • Women who feel men are heroes for doing what every parent should do regardless of gender
  • Organisations which are mainly female dominated such as education, health, social care and so on who instinctiverly look for the Mrs to write to or telephone and then, when they cannot find her, wonder if the ‘father’ perhaps needs some parenting support because, it won’t come naturally to him.

Yes, those above groups are the main offenders but, let’s not forget the:

  • Men who feel the place of a woman is in the home, doing the cooking, cleaning and raising the kids, after all, Mums’ gone to Iceland.
  • Mothercare because, only mothers need to buy nappies
  • Mother and toddler groups, yes, they still exist
  • Netmums. Isn’t it strange as that is seen as a group of mums just being mums whereas a male group trying to do the same thing would be seen as political.
  • The assumption that men are potential abusers whereas, ‘mothers’ could never do such a thing.
  • Those who feel on a mother can truly ‘get it’.
  • Only a mother can comfort a screaming child

Yes, I have experienced all of the above. I’d like to say only once or rarely. I’d like to say that in 2024 it doesn’t happen but, yes it does. The assumption is still there that really, they’d all rather be dealing with their mother. That any claims of inappropriate behaviour or risk a father might mention about the mother if not taken seriously as ‘obviously’ he has an agenda.

Then there is this widely held belief, held as much by men as men, that men are just not cut out for it, they just are wired wrong. Lazy arsed me go along with it because, frankly, that means the mother changes the nappies and, women persist in the belief to maintain their central role.

Above ar the top 8 searches for ‘parent uk’ on Google

Reassuring that the first is actually a man every other one is either a man, woman and child or just a woman and child.

That’s an absolute random snapshot, nothing scientific.

Do you understand that in many cultures, many of which now form part of multicultural Britain, genuinely believe there is something wrong if a male is parenting on his own, To do so much mean that there was a mother but, she has obviously and sadly died and even then, the role would be expected to be done by the nearest female surviving relative.

Go to a parent and child swimming session at the local pool, men are stared at as though they are a threat.

Look, if you think I am wrong, leave a comment and say why, insults and crap will be ignored by well researched real world comments are welcome.