… Sometimes … well, most times …

My brain is working on hyperdrive. I never stop thinking about all sort of things, not worrying, thinking. I could be trying to remember what we have in the freezer. How am I going to pay the bills? Is this task or that task going to get done? Do people like me? I am going to concentrate on that idiot driving in front of me, watch my speed, keep my distance, time my route, get there on time, park here or … maybe there. When I get there I am going to, several different options, think on that. My knees really hurt, my vision is blurred again, my eye feels like sandpaper is rubbing on the inside, my hearing aid is whistling, that’s really annoying and, I can’t hear the music either. Memo to self, change playlist, add this, take away that.

That’s the first few minutes of just a single journey …

Every day I get all that going on, all the time, every waking moment of every day all at the same time as my body is telling me it’s going into shut down mode. I am too tired, I’ve not had enough sleep, the more I think the more I am going to feel crap. By 3pm I feel how I used to feel at 3am. Sleep only takes those feelings away, it turns off my complaining mind and body and kills some time. Then, I wake up and it all starts again.

Pain? Discomfort?

For sure, I’ve what is referred to as ‘my allergies’. It’s a cover for what the real issue is. I have allergic rhinitis, this means a great deal of artificial chemicals, even if I don’t knowingly smell them, make me feel ill ranging from sneezing to flu like symptoms. Yeah, that sucks. I got a condition called ‘Uticaria’ … yeah, WTF right? It means my skin is stupid sensitive. Without a lot of meds I look like a mild burn victim or a someone who does repeated suicide attempts with a razor blade. Any pressure anywhere on my skin makes it crazy itchy. It lumps up, goes bright red and can last for hours, I mean, any pressure, anywhere. Not too many details but there is no underwear which stops one part of my anatomy feeling pressure from another and when ‘down there’ has an itch like no other itch, it’s hell to ignore it. Arthritis in my knees, yeah, that sucks too. I got pains in my left arm now too, you know, just in case I was feeling like I was missing out!

So, what do I do?

Fight on,.Hey, you think I have choices here? No, this is my life! Barely any of these are visible conditions, many on their own are horrible, together, they’re unbearable at times but, even those who know forget. When I say I am feeling whacked, that’s me saying, no, not just now, I really can’t. If I say ‘OK’ that means, sure, I’ll feel like shit but, either, I need the money or, you’re worth what I am having to go through. So, I work through because, that really is the only option isn’t it?

Does anyone care?

Sometimes

I have got myself stuck in a bit of a rut. Not entirely sure which direction to go down except that, as I clearly need an income, I got to get myself employed fully again.

The weekend job had to go. This is a no blame statement but the reality is, I needed 15 hours, I rarely got close to it. That was not sustainable. I was still holding onto it though hoping it would get better. Last weekend, because of some mix up or another, I went to work early according to the rota I had to be told after a half hour my rota had been cancelled. That to me was a reality check. Time to call it a day in as dignified a way as possible.

Thankfully, I was already looking elsewhere, as I said, I needed more hours, more regular, it was common sense to see what else was available. It’s not a firm offer as yet but probably will be.

For now, I am just working the two day week. I love that role and don’t want to give it up so am trying to make any new job work around it … I am still open to a lottery win of course!

On a different note … I am having issues being able to prove I was a social housing tenant from 1987-1995. It makes a significant difference to how much I’d have to pay on this house if I am able to purchase it with Dennis … not that a mortgage is likely with all this messing about but I got to try at least. If it doesn’t work now then, at least when I have been working for 6 months again we can try again then and I’ll have all the information to hand.

Hopefully, at some point this week I shall allow myself a lay-in. It’s been ages since I had a week off and, as is often the case with me, it really isn’t being a week off! Such is life.

I am struggling is the actual truth here. Making things right seems a little beyond me at the moment. I thought 2 jobs would be enough but now I’ve had to apply for another. I thought with what was being offered, getting a lodger would be easy but, it seems miles off. 

Coping with constantly being tired is no joke, it really isn’t.

As if the M.E. wasn’t bad enough, clearly lack of self worth is contributing to the tiredness.

I think I just need lots of hugs from my mum 🙁