… Sometimes … well, most times …
My brain is working on hyperdrive. I never stop thinking about all sort of things, not worrying, thinking. I could be trying to remember what we have in the freezer. How am I going to pay the bills? Is this task or that task going to get done? Do people like me? I am going to concentrate on that idiot driving in front of me, watch my speed, keep my distance, time my route, get there on time, park here or … maybe there. When I get there I am going to, several different options, think on that. My knees really hurt, my vision is blurred again, my eye feels like sandpaper is rubbing on the inside, my hearing aid is whistling, that’s really annoying and, I can’t hear the music either. Memo to self, change playlist, add this, take away that.
That’s the first few minutes of just a single journey …
Every day I get all that going on, all the time, every waking moment of every day all at the same time as my body is telling me it’s going into shut down mode. I am too tired, I’ve not had enough sleep, the more I think the more I am going to feel crap. By 3pm I feel how I used to feel at 3am. Sleep only takes those feelings away, it turns off my complaining mind and body and kills some time. Then, I wake up and it all starts again.
For sure, I’ve what is referred to as ‘my allergies’. It’s a cover for what the real issue is. I have allergic rhinitis, this means a great deal of artificial chemicals, even if I don’t knowingly smell them, make me feel ill ranging from sneezing to flu like symptoms. Yeah, that sucks. I got a condition called ‘Uticaria’ … yeah, WTF right? It means my skin is stupid sensitive. Without a lot of meds I look like a mild burn victim or a someone who does repeated suicide attempts with a razor blade. Any pressure anywhere on my skin makes it crazy itchy. It lumps up, goes bright red and can last for hours, I mean, any pressure, anywhere. Not too many details but there is no underwear which stops one part of my anatomy feeling pressure from another and when ‘down there’ has an itch like no other itch, it’s hell to ignore it. Arthritis in my knees, yeah, that sucks too. I got pains in my left arm now too, you know, just in case I was feeling like I was missing out!
So, what do I do?
Fight on,.Hey, you think I have choices here? No, this is my life! Barely any of these are visible conditions, many on their own are horrible, together, they’re unbearable at times but, even those who know forget. When I say I am feeling whacked, that’s me saying, no, not just now, I really can’t. If I say ‘OK’ that means, sure, I’ll feel like shit but, either, I need the money or, you’re worth what I am having to go through. So, I work through because, that really is the only option isn’t it?
Does anyone care?