Anyone, Anywhere …Anytime 

I am one of the 25%

A quarter of everyone at some time in their lives suffers with mental health issues. There is a huge range of what qualifies as a mental health issue but we all know someone, whether we realise it or not, who suffers.

In my case I have suffered with it the majority of my life. I can recall suicidal thoughts for certain in my early teens.

Probably as a result of bullying at home and school coupled with regular health issues (and my sexuality), I felt isolated. Rarely did I ever quite fit in with anyone.

These experiences shattered my self worth

My confidence in my abilities in activities involving others was most often negligible. I was that kid who had the ball taken away more often than I can remember and who was ridiculed for being short and not able to do the highjump. I was good at Cross Country running but, that wasn’t the cool thing to be any good at so there was no pleasure in it. PE teachers would save all their praise for their muscle bound achievers. Swimming I did enjoy but constant ear infections meant I always had sick notes not to do it. I was the loser standing poolside alongside the lazy kids. Not that sport was something I could actually see to do. I was made to remove my glasses every session then shouted at because I didn’t hit the spot I couldn’t see on the trampoline. I didn’t have hearing aids then either so I was known to be running for a goal, ball at feet after a whilst had blown feeling like a total idiot even without the comments enforcing that opinion afterwards.

Having learnt no social skills at school I found the workplace a disaster. I think others made an effort for me to be involved but I was too stupid or insecure to recognise it at the time. I was quite good at being social down the pub though, I remember fun times doing that, happy times.

The good times

Life wasn’t all awful. Sadly, because they are stronger I think I recall the down moments more than the positive ones. Am trying really hard and not many positive moments are slapping me in the face! There were some though, this is quite obvious. I cannot have lived through that time without some good times.

Relationship Status

My first ever serious relationship was with a guy. I think I would have spent the rest of my life with him very happily but, that didn’t happen. Happily Ever After for gay men in the provinces wasn’t really a thing in the 80’s.

I did fall in love with a woman in the 80’s, we got married and we had children. Although there was love I was fighting every day with my sexuality. A gay man living in a heterosexual world acting it out. It’s hard going mentally. I lived on a knife edge of deceit making a very good job of convincing the world I was someone other than who I was. I am sure this took a much great toll on me mentally than I had ever realised.

Family

My experiences with blood relatives was toxic at best. Mum died in 1986 when I was 23. She had been my rock, one of the very few who was there in my corner when the world was scary and tough. A few horrible years followed where support came at a price too high to pay.

The straw on the camel

With two of the children mentally handicapped I was struggling. I realised how tender my mental health was when in 1991 on a trip back from Norfolk to Essex the car I was driving was rear ended by a Land Rover towing a trailer of bricks. It shunted our car forward two car lengths. On checking the rear it was plain to see how close to disaster it had been. Three children in the back and the boot of the car we were in had gone! Were it not full of loose clothing the result would have been fatal.

I tried to cope with it but my brain wasn’t managing it at all. I was a milkman at the time, you know, crazy early starts and people thinking I just worked a couple of hours a day. I had over 500 customers on my round. I could quote not only what their order was but also their current balance. I went into work two days later and couldn’t even remember what way to drive out the depot. The experience was a disaster!

I wasn’t able to work, couldn’t do it at all. I was in bed most of the time or crying. My wife did go out to work but, effectively that was the last job I did back then. The caring side was too much anyway so I went onto State Benefits. You know, ‘benefits’ are appalling. ‘Normal’ people really feel that they own someone receiving them. It added to my feeling of acting. Already stuck in the closet not really able to talk about my sexuality I now had the added taboo of trying not to share my life on benefits. Disabled kids was another thing people didn’t want to hear either.

Shame

The feeling of shame was always there regardless of what I tried to change it. Like I was hiding a secret, but important, defining parts of my life … no, I actually wasn’t a thief, that was just a visual prompt.

During this time I visited a Psychiatrist who had the opinion that all my issues would be resolved if I overcame my need to be penetrated! To this day this has never been a ‘need’ I identified with particularly. The psychologist I saw told me that I understood too much about psychology for him to be able to benefit me at all.

People without mental health issues may not understand.

One of the issues I have had is that friends or acquaintances have said to me before that I can’t really understand what they mean because I have never really lived their life. I have not had their experiences so I wouldn’t know.

We are our own worst enemies! We hide our life experience which makes us all feel so much more alone. Don’t get me wrong, I probably needed to see those experts just so as I knew that they couldn’t help me! That in reality they knew stuff but they didn’t know me. They were offering solutions which could apply to anyone but not, as it happens, to me.

The psychologist discovered I had terrible nightmares and he thought it would be good to teach me a technique to control my dreams. Very successful it was too. From that point on I was able to control my dreams to the point that I didn’t have dreams I couldn’t control eventually, I was always in control and, as such, I wasn’t dreaming any more! I was aware of everything going on, I was controlling it and eventually it became apparent that in my sleep I was mentally working as much as when I was awake!

The dreams I get now are totally screwed up. Not fantasy dreams or anything like that. Either total nightmares of losing someone close all thought out, checked and declared credible possibilities or I have dreams, as I mentioned, just reliving current issues I have to deal with. Both types are horrid. It sadly makes no difference if I try and add fluffy bunnies into the equation. I’ll find a way of making a safe and stable enclosure for them, worry about how I am going to manage cleaning them and tally up the cost!

Loneliness

I have travelled a lot to many wonderful places on my own and never did the feeling of loneliness feel stronger than at the times when I had so much to share.

There is a saying:

Someone with depression never feels more alone than when they are surrounded by people.

It’s difficult to explain it. Is it even possible to explain it to someone who has not experienced it?

My perception is that everyone else could see how I am feeling if they only looked and could just love and support me but, they don’t see me so it feels more like they’re laughing at me.

I am going into too much detail of aspects of my life which, whilst actually supportive of this ‘book’ are making it long winded and for that, I apologise but, more often than not, those with depression over think and here we are!

I met, fell in love and married Dennis, it was amazing. In my mind I was the knight on shining armour who was going to change his life for the better, give him a quality of life here like he’d never known.

In reality, I got myself in a lot of debt, more than I can handle. I became ill with a debilitating condition and now he works on a not very highly paid job to support me. He is never happier than when on video chats with friends back home. I can only hope and trust that he loves me enough to stick this out. One of my recurring nightmares is that he just isn’t there anymore.

Very Low times

Loses and major moments in my life of difficulty.

• Losing mum in 1986
• Discovering Zoey was also developmentally delayed in 1991
• Losing Tony (friend) in 2005
• The whole Javis thing between 2008 – 2014
• Being cheated on in 2011
• Falling in love to someone who didn’t love me back in 2004 & 2012
• Losing my friend Claire in 2018
• Losing Second mum Kay a few weeks ago.

One thing I remember someone in a care home told me one day ..

Now I have to accept that I am on the list of those losing people all too often.

The latest is, of course, this pandemic which is affecting all of us.

My depression is creeping up on me again and the past 36 hours or so have been very difficult for me indeed. I cannot see to find anything to distract me away from it and things I try to do have made me feel all the worse. Reality is, I don’t have the ability to play fast paced games that younger people I have. My inability to reinforce how much I am loved by those I am playing with means that each time I hear them enjoy killing me in a game it feels personal. I know it isn’t but depression doesn’t have room for rationality.

Needing to feel wanted

I feel like I need to be part of a team. I was getting some of that feeling by creating quizzes, I felt needed and wanted. The interest in those has dropped away though. Participants are responding so far apart that those who finish first have little interest by the time everyone has taken part. I have a new quiz lined up but several households have two quizzes already sitting there waiting to do. So, that seems to have died a death.

Last time I actually went shopping tired me out completely for two days.

I am getting so fat I despise looking at myself. Dennis insisting on two main meals a day is certainly not helping. He has an advantage over me, he can exercise. I am just becoming Nelly the fooking elephant.

The growth on my right eyelid is starting to affect my eyesight again. I only have one good eye, on the right! Anything which changed my ability to see in that eye is a big deal.

Reading the above, I know I have every reason, some may argue, every right to be depressed. Knowing that doesn’t help at all sadly.

On reading this some may feel awkward, some will say ‘me too’ and others, probably most, would say, why do you always have to make everything about you?

But this is me. I am not a rock, more of a squiggy jelly. I don’t have all the answers just a lifetime of experiences which might coincidentally help you out. Try as I might, pulling myself together never seems to relate to something I can do. I have made huge, stupid mistakes in my life, some of them I still have to deal with, some could still place a level of stress on me I cannot possibly handle. Annoyingly, I wouldn’t be the person others seem to have feelings for without all the dire stuff which has happened to me.

Mum would say, “people get dealt the crap they alone can deal with” … hmm, I don’t know about that anymore mum.

I have seen many strong people weep. It is not a weakness, it’s truly experiencing the full range of emotions we have. Crying is an essential release for our inner boiling point.

Mental health is the elephant in the corner, show it some love

Fatty

I am still gaining weight, don’t know what on earth to do about it. I walk so slow it won’t make any difference and I am not really pigging on food. Something has to happen else it won’t be covid-19 which gets me.

Mum

We lost my second mum the other day. I am writing it but still don’t accept it. She was so strong and stubborn.

She was only in her 70’s and as far as we know she fell and hit her head on a sink. This caused a bleed on her brain and despite surgery, she never recovered.

I first met her in 1985 when I started dating Kris (Lorna) who would become my wife the following year. Both mum and dad, the only names I can refer to them as, took me on as their own from the outset. When my own mum died in 1986 just three weeks before our wedding, they were both there for me and I have seen her as my mum ever since despite being divorced since 2001 (I think).

All the kids adored her, she was that sort of lady. She had her little code. If she called you ‘mate’ then this was the inner circle. ‘Dear’ was often a polite acknowledgement. She had her little sayings too which made no sense but we loved her for them. “Leave what you want and eat the rest” being a regular at the dinner table. It actually says just to eat the bits we don’t like but that wasn’t what she meant it to say! TV shows such as “Are you being framed” and such like were always ones to raise an eyebrow and a smile. She could be a stroppy matriarch if she wanted to be too … “It’s my Christmas and I will do it my way” said more than one year at Christmas at our house!

I know I am very sad about it, the kids most certainly are. At a time of self isolation and social distancing it is all the more awful as we have to leave Dad in Essex on his own to deal with it. We’ve offered all the support we can but, realistically, unless he specifically kicks us into action there is sod all we can do.

She will be very much missed.

CFS/Fibromyalgia 

Yes, I know I have mentioned this before but, it doesn’t go away.

Because I cannot control my weight it is fair to say the CFS symptoms are getting worse. I say CFS because this is the diagnosis that I have but, I suspect it should actually be Fibromyalgia

Now, there is an issue with both CFS & Fibromyalgia. Although many women find it difficult to get their diagnosis done and accepted, it is all the tougher for the 10% or so of male sufferers.

US Website gives a notion of this

As well as all the fatigue as shown in the image above, there is a lot more pain involved with Fibromyalgia and I can attest to that from experience.

Some ladies on forums slip up and refer to all members as ‘girls’ and whilst I don’t much care it does show how much the condition is seen as a women only one. On the plus side, whilst shocked that men suffer too, I have never experienced any hostility about it.

I recall when I was raising the kids on my own and the hostility I got from the ladies then who refused to accept that I could possibly ever parent as good as they can, I apparently didn’t have the instincts, didn’t have the strong bond. all absolute rubbish but, that’s prejudice for you … I digress, I have not experienced it amongst sufferers but certainly at my local surgery where they are as close to insulting as it is possible to be without just coming out and saying they think I am lying about it.

I am sure there are some who will pretend to have the condition, she it as a free ride to benefits. Trust me, this is the wrong option if someone wants an easy route to disability benefits! It’s all uphill buster and the evidence has to be overwhelming where as, in reality, it’s often non existent because there is no diagnosis! All anyone can offer is a series of tests proving that the symptoms we say we have don’t show up as anything visible! So, we have to get proof that we are just saying we have something! If a doctor chooses to be one of the old school types they’ll just dismiss the argument as a hypochondriac and that’s that. Of course, at the other end of the scale, once a diagnosis has been made, that’s the end of any chance we have something else because every ailment afterwards is dismissed as part of ‘the condition’.

State Benefits

Yes, benefits! To some everyone who claims is, as the title image suggests, a ‘benefits cheat’ until proven otherwise.

Those on benefits are often seen as the scourge on society and on the bottom rung of the social ladder.

Over the years I have had to claim benefits. For a while back in 1993 I think it was I claimed unemployment benefit. I was advised that I had that wrong. Someone pointed out that the only reason I wasn’t working was because I needed to be at home to take care of disabled children. I needed to actually claim ‘Invalid Care Allowance’ as it was then and top this up with Income Support, Housing benefit and council tax relief. Of course, back in the day council tax relief was at 100% of the amount and there were no deductions to housing benefit based on how many bedrooms a person had.

Did I like being on benefits? Nope, not for one moment!

There is no dignity on receiving benefits. Sure, it’s an insurance payout. We pay into the system and when we need to, we make a claim but because society doesn’t accept it this way, it is just horrible.

One of the first question particularly men get is “What do you do for a living?” There is no good/right answer to that when receiving benefits, it’s always ‘awkward’.

My Experience

Back in the 1990’s the system was a little different to how it is now. We actually had some income from those benefits. We generally had a new car to drive around in too. With careful budgeting we could afford some nice holidays too. All of that causes a lot of bitterness from ‘workers’ who feel that no one on benefits should have a ‘better’ life than they have working. Yeah, in the very simplistic sense that makes sense. I understand the thinking but, it forgets the old familiar line of … ‘Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes’. So easily forgotten is the hard graft that caring actually involved. For many and certainly us, it was literally a 24/7 obligation.

The entire family was involved. The eldest was particularly challenging. We never knew when he was going to have a seizure other than ‘every day’ and we never knew when during the day or night so had to be alert. He tuned in perfectly to any friction in the house and became very violent and unmanageable. We learnt never to argue and to bottle everything up. This is not a healthy way to live!

Anyway, all the caring came to a close late 2016 I think it was. I did move onto caring for my best friend Robin for a while and claimed benefits for a while because he really needed support at that time. My income plummeted though. If I didn’t have Sean & Daisy living here then I would have lost everything. This is one of the problems with spending the income on holiday times for the kids when they were growing, nothing left in the bank for my later years. Don’t get me wrong, I spent plenty on me too, it was my coping with life mechanism, not a healthy way to do it.

I worked, came off benefits but realised that the more I tried to do the less I could actually do. My condition was getting steadily more apparent. I loved the professional caring I did but with this condition, I couldn’t do it safely.

I gave up fighting the pointless fight in 2019.

Currently

Right now I am getting base rate ESA, later in the year they’ll do a health assessment and probably reject me for that so the entitlement will run out late autumn.

On top of this I am doing a PiP claim. Was supposed to have a health assessment for that today but they cancelled it. They didn’t tell me they did, they just didn’t call so I called them and discovered they’d cancelled it. I probably won’t get that either. Not many men do get PiP with CFS or Fibromyalgia, as aforementioned, it’s not a mans condition!

Blue Disabled Parking Badge

I finally got one of these the other week and it helps loads.

With the lock down I have barely used it, just three times so far but it has really helped. Not as much as having the scooter but it has been a significant step in the right direction.

I didn’t get it straight off, I had to appeal but they did accept the evidence I submitted which I was grateful for.

The Sunflower Lanyard

Another Godsend to me!

It shows participating organisations that I have a hidden disability. So far, only once has it been properly recognised but boy did it make my life easier! Sainsburys earlier noticed it and gestured me directly into the store bypassing the queue. It was a lovely feeling not to have to beg and explain myself.

This is unlikely to happen this year. We have it all booked for May but the lock down will stop us. We can’t even cancel it yet because we have to wait until our departure date is officially covered. With the UK government renewing things every 3 weeks the current travel restrictions on apply to May 7. We have to wait until then for our dates to be included and get a refund. It’s most annoying because, despite knowing it’s not happening, because we can’t fully cancel it, there still feels like a chance.

This one is booked for August, also looking very unlikely.

We’ve been wanting to go there for around a decade now. Finally made our minds up to go having even bought a car for the occasion and wham! Covid-19 kicks it into touch for us.

I have now gone a very long while without a proper holiday. My last foreign outing was for Zoey’s benefit and all focused on her so, not much of a break there, actually, no break at all.

I am quite desperate to get away from the UK for a bit and escape my everyday for something different. Sure, my abilities are still restricted but at least the sights and smells will be different.

Birthdays

We will have tons of them to catch up on once we get together again! Not quite two weddings and a funeral but that’s what it feels like.

Unwanted Costs

The tumble dryer died on us so had to replace it. Likewise the car battery died and had to replace that. Both together wrote off around £500. As always, could have done without that but worse things happen at sea … quite literally in the current pandemic!

Covid-19

Yeah, it’s damned annoying!

Small Help

I discovered that one of these really helps me get trousers and shorts on. I have been really struggling and not knowing what to do. Not sure yet they will solve the sock issue but I am not overly fussed with that.

Not sure what else I can do to help me. Perhaps a better water heater instead of the kettle. Scared me every time I use that thing in case I drop it. The one I have stops after a cup and a bit for ages. Annoying when I am trying to make two drinks!

Scooter Travels

I need to get out on this more. Am not entirely sure where I can go with it though. We’re supposed to justify where we are heading when we travel. Not entirely sure how many journeys I can justify. Will the police accept me choosing a store which isn’t my closest?

Sainsburys scares the hell out of me. No social distancing at all. It’s like Russian roulette with a virus!

I’d like to give Morrisons a go. I know the scooter can handle it for sure.