Category: Marriage

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I hate ME

It’s so difficult to cope with a condition I know will never get better.

To carry on being me with ME.

I love easily, I help beyond my capacity, I forgive endlessly.

I do those things because of who I am. Who I want to be but …

Doing so is breaking me.

I need to learn not to volunteer, to say no, to not care when someone acts let down by my decisions. I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, to make others prove their value of me before I keep on giving.

For maybe the last dozen years I have just been on a destructive path. Trying to do the right thing and being taken for granted for it.

Agreements of any kind made to me have no value, they are taken back when the giver changes their mind no matter how sincere the promise felt at the time.

To cope with ME, alone, I need to stop being me.

By the way, if you don’t understand the title is about my condition, you don’t know me well enough to matter or, you don’t care enough to remember.

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Pigeon Holes

Do you ever find that without you doing much you have been placed in a pigeon hole? Judgements are made and those opinions stick with you. You are effectively the short, fat, old, ginger, gay, black … guy

Well, when I identified as ‘gay’ (because I am so, not a choice then) I was OK to find my pigeon hole was with gay men, lesbians and bisexual men and women. It worked, we all were attracted to someone of the same gender (at least sometimes in the case of bisexuals).

True, I rapidly discovered it wasn’t that simple. You see, I was not a stereotypical gay man. No, a stereotypical gay man was gay first and foremost. Everyone had to know they were out and proud, they were not monogamous, they were often rude and opinionated and, well, I wasn’t. I also discovered that actually, quite a lot of lesbians really don’t like men at all be they gay or heterosexual and, as for the bisexuals, well, no one ever quite knew where they were with them.

But, basically, I was part of the LGB ‘community’. Community is actually a really bad word, it totally isn’t! It’s full of cliques, and this group, that group, tops, bottoms, versatiles, leather queens, twinks … of it so goes on!

But, if someone (clearly not thinking much) wants to put me in the LGB pigeon hole, then OK.

Except now it isn’t OK!

Imagine you are in your lovely Catholic support group and then you discover, it’s no longer the Catholic support group but rather, the multi-faith support group! I mean, a radical departure right. Now imagine it is the black and multi-faith support group, wow, suddenly it feels like it’s not your group any more right?

So, imagine, if you will, how I felt when I’d just got used to this LGB thing when suddenly I was now in the same pigoen hole as trans and heaven knows what other gender issue groups there are.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own unique community but, what do trans people have in common with LGB? One is about sexuality and the other about gender and, news flash, these are not the same thing.

I therefore disconnect myself, I have left the pigeon loft and am a community of one

(unless other gays choose to join me).

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Are single dads treated differently to mums?

I would argue that absolutely this is the case!

  • Mothers who genuinely believe only they are uniquely capable of raising children
  • Women who have been surrounded by women dealing with women their entire career who just do not really understand why a man is trying to raise children
  • Women who feel men are heroes for doing what every parent should do regardless of gender
  • Organisations which are mainly female dominated such as education, health, social care and so on who instinctiverly look for the Mrs to write to or telephone and then, when they cannot find her, wonder if the ‘father’ perhaps needs some parenting support because, it won’t come naturally to him.

Yes, those above groups are the main offenders but, let’s not forget the:

  • Men who feel the place of a woman is in the home, doing the cooking, cleaning and raising the kids, after all, Mums’ gone to Iceland.
  • Mothercare because, only mothers need to buy nappies
  • Mother and toddler groups, yes, they still exist
  • Netmums. Isn’t it strange as that is seen as a group of mums just being mums whereas a male group trying to do the same thing would be seen as political.
  • The assumption that men are potential abusers whereas, ‘mothers’ could never do such a thing.
  • Those who feel on a mother can truly ‘get it’.
  • Only a mother can comfort a screaming child

Yes, I have experienced all of the above. I’d like to say only once or rarely. I’d like to say that in 2024 it doesn’t happen but, yes it does. The assumption is still there that really, they’d all rather be dealing with their mother. That any claims of inappropriate behaviour or risk a father might mention about the mother if not taken seriously as ‘obviously’ he has an agenda.

Then there is this widely held belief, held as much by men as men, that men are just not cut out for it, they just are wired wrong. Lazy arsed me go along with it because, frankly, that means the mother changes the nappies and, women persist in the belief to maintain their central role.

Above ar the top 8 searches for ‘parent uk’ on Google

Reassuring that the first is actually a man every other one is either a man, woman and child or just a woman and child.

That’s an absolute random snapshot, nothing scientific.

Do you understand that in many cultures, many of which now form part of multicultural Britain, genuinely believe there is something wrong if a male is parenting on his own, To do so much mean that there was a mother but, she has obviously and sadly died and even then, the role would be expected to be done by the nearest female surviving relative.

Go to a parent and child swimming session at the local pool, men are stared at as though they are a threat.

Look, if you think I am wrong, leave a comment and say why, insults and crap will be ignored by well researched real world comments are welcome.

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You don’t have to be religious …

… To work out some things in life just cannot be explained.

When I was a kid, back when I had to run away from dinosaurs and there was no McDonalds or Sainsbury I had some really crazy wishes for a kid growing up on a council estate.

  • I want a 4 bedroom house
  • I want a new car
  • I want children
  • I want to be happy
  • I want to see Disneyland
  • I want to be married

Let me tell you how that worked out:

  • I have a 5 bedroom house
  • I get a new car every three years
  • I have 4 children and 4 grandchildren
  • I am happy
  • I have been to 4 Disney parks (some many times), just two to go!
  • I have been married to a lady, I have been civil partnered to a man, I am now married to a man

Now, what I had in mind as a kid is not how it worked out. To my immature mind I thought we just aspired to something and there would be no cost, there is always a price to pay and those who know me, know some of those prices I have paid.

Every parent says the same “I don’t care what they are as long as they’re healthy”. Well, mine were not healthy, they all have problems, some more than others but, I am grateful for having them. I got the house because not all my kids were healthy. I get a new car because I now am not healthy. I am happy because what I have outweighs what I suffer. The Disney parks, well, they’re just a huge bonus, even I wonder how that happened. Being married, yes, I also got divorced and dissolved (eww) but, that’s OK as we’re still friends. For sure there was a lot of intervention for me to find Dennis, it’s not like our eyes met in the store! He lived 7000+ miles away!

I wrote something earlier, read that:

Sa bata pa kita gisultihan kita nga mosalig nga ang Dios mag-atiman kanato
Samtang nagkadako na kita, ang mga katingad-an nga wala damha nga mga butang mahitabo
Mga butang nga dili nato mapasabot sa bisan unsang paagi gawas sa, nangutana ko sa Diyos ug nahitabo ra.
Samtang kita adunay mga anak, ang Dios nagbilin kanato sa pagpadayon niini
(Kinahanglan naton ang responsibilidad sa usa ka butang)
Samtang sila nagtubo siya mibalik ug diin kita nagkinahanglan kaniya, siya anaa.
Sa panahon nga kita moretiro na ug modawat sa pagka senior
Makataronganon ang kinabuhi
Atong naamgohan nga ang mga importanteng butang sa kinabuhi atong naangkon.
Nasayud kita nga gibayran nato ang bili sa Dios alang niadtong mga butanga ug, OK ra.
Nakakat-on mi nga magmapainubsanon.
Nakakat-on kami nga magmapasalamaton.
Ang akong nahibal-an labaw sa tanan mao
Kung kita naghunahuna nga ang Dios maghatag sa atong kinabuhi sa mga ganti
Sayop mi.
Ang iyang gibuhat dili kaayo klaro apan kini mahitabo.
Dili perpekto ang kinabuhi pero, nakakat-on ta gikan niana.
Usahay ang kinabuhi lisud, kini makalilisang, kini makalilisang
Naglisod mi
Kita makakat-on gikan niana
Unya kita molingi ug, ang atong kinabuhi mao ang kinabuhi nga atong gipangayo.
Bisan kinsa nga naghunahuna nga ang Dios walay bahin
Nagtuo ko nga mahimo nimong gimingaw ang usa ka daghan sa dalan!

When we are young we are told to trust that God will take care of us

As we get a little older, strange unexpected things happen

Things we cannot explain any way other than, I asked God and it just happened.

As we have children God leaves us to get on with it

(We have to take responsibility for something)

As they grow he steps back in and where we need him, he is there.

By the time we get to retire and accept being a senior

Life makes sense

We realise that the important things in life we got.

We know that we paid God’s price for those things and, it’s OK.

We learnt to be humble.

We learnt to be grateful.

What I know more than anything is

If we think God is going to pave our life with rewards

We are wrong.

What he does is never so obvious but it does happen.

Life will not be perfect but, we learn from that.

Sometimes life is hard, it’s awful, it’s terrible

We struggle

We learn from that

Then we look back and, our life is the life we asked for.

Anyone who thinks God played no part

I think you may have missed an awful lot along the way!

Things I know.

  • If there is no God, how can there be an afterlife and, I know there is because I have witnessed it. I saw my granddad after he died, clear as day, when my mum was alive she told me that her old landlady promised that when she died she would make something move which didn’t usually move and they would then know, she was OK. Soon after her death a hot water bottle hanging on the wall, moved. When my mum died, before I knew she was dead, weird stuff happened. She was in hospital, I didn’t even know she was that ill. Her crutch which had stood at the top of the stairs fell over. I went to pick it up and her dressing gown fell off the door behind me and on a door I had not walked past. Those delays forced me to stay home an extra few minutes at which time the phone rang to tell me to get to the hospital. She had died just before they called me.
  • I overdid it with two of the children back in the 1980’s. We walked too far, I mean, miles further than we should and ended up on the wrong beach in Spain, the one which had no way to get back and it was really hot. I could see no way of getting back so I did a hail Mary, well, in the non religious sense and I prayed. Within a few moments a very random Spanish lady who spoke little English approached me and asked, was I OK. I don’t know how much she understood but she gestured for us to follow. She squeezed us into a tiny little car with her kids and drove us back into town and then drove off before we could say thank you. Intervention of a divine nature? I choose to believe that, yes.

There have been many similar experienced throughout my life. Everything I ever asked for I got. I say God has a wicked sense of humour because he did. This would be an example and a tiny one. I ask for a lottery win and, low and behold, I win the lottery. Sure, it’s £1.75 but I wasn’t specific!

I always wanted to be different, right from as long as I can recall. My questions were answered years later. I was gay, I was mostly deaf, my eyesight is shite, I was born with really short legs, my teeth have always been terrible. So, yes, my feeling was correct and I am different. Perhaps I shouldn’t have wished to be because, this isn’t what I meant when I asked to be different.

I am no bible basher. I have no respect for any organised religion, absolutely none. I honestly believe they are all power hungry, dangerous and corrupt. But, just because they created their own version of things doesn’t mean that the basic of those things are wrong. What they are based on was pure. Things like us all being God’s children, us all being in his image and created equally.

None of those things sit at all well with my being condemned to hell for being gay. Nothing pure demands me to show pure devotion to the organisation with gifts of money.

No, I believe in the pure being, that the church is all around us, freely created. That we can speak freely, there are no rules on how to speak to God.

You know what? I also believe that we are here for a reason, we are here to learn to be better, to live a life we do not understand or accept. The homophobe must live life as a gay man before he can be reconsidered entry to eternity. The murdered must live life experiencing tragic loss … indeed, until we understand how to be good people without prejudice, we just keep living one life after another until we finally get it. I think I might still have a few more to go as I know I still have some prejudices I need to resolve.

Anyway, until than, thanks for reading