It’s so difficult to cope with a condition I know will never get better.
To carry on being me with ME.
I love easily, I help beyond my capacity, I forgive endlessly.
I do those things because of who I am. Who I want to be but …
Doing so is breaking me.
I need to learn not to volunteer, to say no, to not care when someone acts let down by my decisions. I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, to make others prove their value of me before I keep on giving.
For maybe the last dozen years I have just been on a destructive path. Trying to do the right thing and being taken for granted for it.
Agreements of any kind made to me have no value, they are taken back when the giver changes their mind no matter how sincere the promise felt at the time.
To cope with ME, alone, I need to stop being me.
By the way, if you don’t understand the title is about my condition, you don’t know me well enough to matter or, you don’t care enough to remember.
It is absolutely impossible for me to rest, never!
I honestly feel that I am involved with Zoey’s care 24/7, like, anyone can contact me at any time with an absolute screw up of their own making and I will deal with it.
Social Care have made so many screw ups it’s just awkward now. Despite the mess they’ve created it’s still the same people making the mistakes who are running the shit show.
One crap care provider after another, each competing with each other to see which can come up with the biggest bullshit to explain why they’re not managing her.
No one, not a one of them, ever has a clue what might be going wrong, it’s sickening. It’s like they are just not there. Sure, they know about the damage Zoey causes in great detail but, not what is actually upsetting her.
You know, Zoey was previously abused by her carers, years ago now. Sadly, any carer who looks like them seems to be a trigger and yet, because looking like them refers to their colour, she is told to just get over it and she keeps getting these triggers but, their hands are tied as they are not allowed to mention this could be a trigger!
I said to them, if she had been abused by a male carer recently, is it OK to say ‘no male carers’ and the social workers said that, of course, that’s OK!
Let’s look at the definition of the groups which cannot be discriminated against:
Oh dear, apparently, gender is included and, as such, social care cannot discriminate about a man but, they say they can.
I wonder, are there any provisions whereby any of the above can be a factor when engageing somebody to work with a vulnerable adult? I would think that, if social care feel a man can be but, someone non white can, there must be such a provision so, is there any workaround?
There are some instances where patients are discriminatory that should be dealt with differently.
These can be categorised under three headings:
When a patient’s behaviours are linked to an underlying condition or pathology e.g. mental health illness, dementia.
When the behaviour is from a legal guardian of the patient e.g., parent of a child or person who has power of attorney for a patient.
When the characteristic of the healthcare worker will affect the physical and mental wellbeing of a patient e.g. requesting a specific gender for a personal or sensitive care, or psychological treatment.
Apparently, there is something which could be used here but, they cannot use it until they acknowledge the previous abuse. Once that is acknowledged they can then state that because a certain characteristic is likely to be a trigger, those who have that cannot work with Zoey.
The bottom line is, for the second time this week, in the middle of the week I am sorting things out which are the responsibility of others because they either do not want to or, don’t know they should.
Friday afternoon, I have another online MDT. I don’t really feel inclined to attend to be totally honest. By no accident it has been arranged just in time for everyone to go home and enjoy their weekend. It is, therefore, really just a tick box thing, we did it and let’s just cross our fingers and hope nothing happens over the weekend.
Anyway, right now, Zoey is under arrest somewhere in Kettering. Because someone employed by social care said she has capacity they had no interest in whether she might need her LPA, they would deal with everything themselves. The phone call was so short as to be rude. Well done social care for that.
There is no outcome from this which is going to be good for Zoey. Everyone was told to do a proper risk assessment, they didn’t. Same as the last lot and the lot before that. This is crisis managment on top of crisis management.
Were I fit and well, I’d be a lot more affective, just now, I don’t have much left to give.
… To work out some things in life just cannot be explained.
When I was a kid, back when I had to run away from dinosaurs and there was no McDonalds or Sainsbury I had some really crazy wishes for a kid growing up on a council estate.
I want a 4 bedroom house
I want a new car
I want children
I want to be happy
I want to see Disneyland
I want to be married
Let me tell you how that worked out:
I have a 5 bedroom house
I get a new car every three years
I have 4 children and 4 grandchildren
I am happy
I have been to 4 Disney parks (some many times), just two to go!
I have been married to a lady, I have been civil partnered to a man, I am now married to a man
Now, what I had in mind as a kid is not how it worked out. To my immature mind I thought we just aspired to something and there would be no cost, there is always a price to pay and those who know me, know some of those prices I have paid.
Every parent says the same “I don’t care what they are as long as they’re healthy”. Well, mine were not healthy, they all have problems, some more than others but, I am grateful for having them. I got the house because not all my kids were healthy. I get a new car because I now am not healthy. I am happy because what I have outweighs what I suffer. The Disney parks, well, they’re just a huge bonus, even I wonder how that happened. Being married, yes, I also got divorced and dissolved (eww) but, that’s OK as we’re still friends. For sure there was a lot of intervention for me to find Dennis, it’s not like our eyes met in the store! He lived 7000+ miles away!
I wrote something earlier, read that:
Sa bata pa kita gisultihan kita nga mosalig nga ang Dios mag-atiman kanato Samtang nagkadako na kita, ang mga katingad-an nga wala damha nga mga butang mahitabo Mga butang nga dili nato mapasabot sa bisan unsang paagi gawas sa, nangutana ko sa Diyos ug nahitabo ra. Samtang kita adunay mga anak, ang Dios nagbilin kanato sa pagpadayon niini (Kinahanglan naton ang responsibilidad sa usa ka butang) Samtang sila nagtubo siya mibalik ug diin kita nagkinahanglan kaniya, siya anaa. Sa panahon nga kita moretiro na ug modawat sa pagka senior Makataronganon ang kinabuhi Atong naamgohan nga ang mga importanteng butang sa kinabuhi atong naangkon. Nasayud kita nga gibayran nato ang bili sa Dios alang niadtong mga butanga ug, OK ra. Nakakat-on mi nga magmapainubsanon. Nakakat-on kami nga magmapasalamaton. Ang akong nahibal-an labaw sa tanan mao Kung kita naghunahuna nga ang Dios maghatag sa atong kinabuhi sa mga ganti Sayop mi. Ang iyang gibuhat dili kaayo klaro apan kini mahitabo. Dili perpekto ang kinabuhi pero, nakakat-on ta gikan niana. Usahay ang kinabuhi lisud, kini makalilisang, kini makalilisang Naglisod mi Kita makakat-on gikan niana Unya kita molingi ug, ang atong kinabuhi mao ang kinabuhi nga atong gipangayo. Bisan kinsa nga naghunahuna nga ang Dios walay bahin Nagtuo ko nga mahimo nimong gimingaw ang usa ka daghan sa dalan!
When we are young we are told to trust that God will take care of us
As we get a little older, strange unexpected things happen
Things we cannot explain any way other than, I asked God and it just happened.
As we have children God leaves us to get on with it
(We have to take responsibility for something)
As they grow he steps back in and where we need him, he is there.
By the time we get to retire and accept being a senior
Life makes sense
We realise that the important things in life we got.
We know that we paid God’s price for those things and, it’s OK.
We learnt to be humble.
We learnt to be grateful.
What I know more than anything is
If we think God is going to pave our life with rewards
We are wrong.
What he does is never so obvious but it does happen.
Life will not be perfect but, we learn from that.
Sometimes life is hard, it’s awful, it’s terrible
We struggle
We learn from that
Then we look back and, our life is the life we asked for.
Anyone who thinks God played no part
I think you may have missed an awful lot along the way!
Things I know.
If there is no God, how can there be an afterlife and, I know there is because I have witnessed it. I saw my granddad after he died, clear as day, when my mum was alive she told me that her old landlady promised that when she died she would make something move which didn’t usually move and they would then know, she was OK. Soon after her death a hot water bottle hanging on the wall, moved. When my mum died, before I knew she was dead, weird stuff happened. She was in hospital, I didn’t even know she was that ill. Her crutch which had stood at the top of the stairs fell over. I went to pick it up and her dressing gown fell off the door behind me and on a door I had not walked past. Those delays forced me to stay home an extra few minutes at which time the phone rang to tell me to get to the hospital. She had died just before they called me.
I overdid it with two of the children back in the 1980’s. We walked too far, I mean, miles further than we should and ended up on the wrong beach in Spain, the one which had no way to get back and it was really hot. I could see no way of getting back so I did a hail Mary, well, in the non religious sense and I prayed. Within a few moments a very random Spanish lady who spoke little English approached me and asked, was I OK. I don’t know how much she understood but she gestured for us to follow. She squeezed us into a tiny little car with her kids and drove us back into town and then drove off before we could say thank you. Intervention of a divine nature? I choose to believe that, yes.
There have been many similar experienced throughout my life. Everything I ever asked for I got. I say God has a wicked sense of humour because he did. This would be an example and a tiny one. I ask for a lottery win and, low and behold, I win the lottery. Sure, it’s £1.75 but I wasn’t specific!
I always wanted to be different, right from as long as I can recall. My questions were answered years later. I was gay, I was mostly deaf, my eyesight is shite, I was born with really short legs, my teeth have always been terrible. So, yes, my feeling was correct and I am different. Perhaps I shouldn’t have wished to be because, this isn’t what I meant when I asked to be different.
I am no bible basher. I have no respect for any organised religion, absolutely none. I honestly believe they are all power hungry, dangerous and corrupt. But, just because they created their own version of things doesn’t mean that the basic of those things are wrong. What they are based on was pure. Things like us all being God’s children, us all being in his image and created equally.
None of those things sit at all well with my being condemned to hell for being gay. Nothing pure demands me to show pure devotion to the organisation with gifts of money.
No, I believe in the pure being, that the church is all around us, freely created. That we can speak freely, there are no rules on how to speak to God.
You know what? I also believe that we are here for a reason, we are here to learn to be better, to live a life we do not understand or accept. The homophobe must live life as a gay man before he can be reconsidered entry to eternity. The murdered must live life experiencing tragic loss … indeed, until we understand how to be good people without prejudice, we just keep living one life after another until we finally get it. I think I might still have a few more to go as I know I still have some prejudices I need to resolve.
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