Month: April 2010

Wow, I am going back some 30+ years here.

Was chatting to someone very special earlier and we touched on this subject.

All my childhood I felt like the square peg ‘they’ were trying to squeeze into the round hole. I really didn’t fit in with anyone, no pigeon hole quite suited me. In my teens that was multiplied many times over! I either had no confidence or too much confidence according to what group I was with. The balance was never really there. Young kids thought I was God, kids my own age thought I was a dog and adults thought I was what the dog left behind, well, that was how it seemed.

Because of that, around adults I had no clue and was forever getting it wrong. I’d be trusting and confident with a ‘grown up’ and they’d treat me like a kid or I’d be shy and timid and they’d think I was weird for not behaving like their equal. It seemed an unwinnable situation to me.

Hell, I was well into my 30’s before I realised that most people felt the same way and we’d find that out if we stopped assuming, bothered to ask and they were honest. Some of the most confident outward sort of people are shitting bricks inside.

Something else difficult to explain is that, well, you know when you think … “I can’t wait to grow up”, well, wait cos it never happens! There had never been a part of my life where I have felt like a grown up. Sure, I know more stuff so am more confident in my thinking but, the doubts are still there, the need to have someone tell me I am a good boy and have done something right! Sounds pathetic but I reckon a lot of people feel that way no matter how hard they try.

So, anyway, fairly screwed up and not fitting in it seemed obvious to me that I was not meant for the life choices handed me, none of them worked well for me. There was always something, some alternate life just around the corner, just out of reach. It was obviously there because it has to be impossible to be so certain something is missing without it existing. My trouble is, I think I got so busy looking that, quite possible I miss what it actually is.

This goes back to that little boy. The need to be special to someone else, to be a good boy and valued. Maybe if we feel no one cares for long enough we reject it when it happens because it becomes so special to us we don’t want to lose it, we have to know it is the real thing first. Obviously, we can’t know that, it has to be on trust but that’s really difficult with a history of hurt.

Of course, I am a lot older now and, probably, a little wiser than my teen self. Even so, I still have that feeling that something else is meant for me, I am meant to be something more. What I am wondering more now though is, could it be I am not seeing the forest for the trees?

Looking back on my dreams from the past, every one of them came true. Not that it happened anything like how I would have imagined it but, it still happened. Is that destiny, Karma? Nah, I just think it was me seeing something amazing and grabbing it with both hands. My insisting that ‘no’ was not the answer I was looking for so ‘try again until you get it right!’

In my mind I am convinced that I shall be a lottery winner and possibly be able to relax when not helping others, a part of me I value above all else. The reality my logical brain goes to is different. That tells me the gravy train is leaving town and I am gonna be an old fart left with nothing probably too scared to put the heating on.

Look, we have shit in our lives, live with it. Forget the shit and how ‘shit’ it is, look at what isn’t shit. I have been lucky enough to have 4 kids and, so far, two grandkids. I have also met and value many friends and my family if forever growing. Yes, life could be better but, it could be a lot worse too and, if that happens, I am gonna just have to accept most of the blame for that. If I am only half the man I think I am, I should be OK when I am older. If I am just kidding myself about who I am then, well, then I am screwed!

How amazing is this … people are alive today because I exist, wow!

Wow, I am going back some 30+ years here.

Was chatting to someone very special earlier and we touched on this subject.

All my childhood I felt like the square peg ‘they’ were trying to squeeze into the round hole. I really didn’t fit in with anyone, no pigeon hole quite suited me. In my teens that was multiplied many times over! I either had no confidence or too much confidence according to what group I was with. The balance was never really there. Young kids thought I was God, kids my own age thought I was a dog and adults thought I was what the dog left behind, well, that was how it seemed.

Because of that, around adults I had no clue and was forever getting it wrong. I’d be trusting and confident with a ‘grown up’ and they’d treat me like a kid or I’d be shy and timid and they’d think I was weird for not behaving like their equal. It seemed an unwinnable situation to me.

Hell, I was well into my 30’s before I realised that most people felt the same way and we’d find that out if we stopped assuming, bothered to ask and they were honest. Some of the most confident outward sort of people are shitting bricks inside.

Something else difficult to explain is that, well, you know when you think … “I can’t wait to grow up”, well, wait cos it never happens! There had never been a part of my life where I have felt like a grown up. Sure, I know more stuff so am more confident in my thinking but, the doubts are still there, the need to have someone tell me I am a good boy and have done something right! Sounds pathetic but I reckon a lot of people feel that way no matter how hard they try.

So, anyway, fairly screwed up and not fitting in it seemed obvious to me that I was not meant for the life choices handed me, none of them worked well for me. There was always something, some alternate life just around the corner, just out of reach. It was obviously there because it has to be impossible to be so certain something is missing without it existing. My trouble is, I think I got so busy looking that, quite possible I miss what it actually is.

This goes back to that little boy. The need to be special to someone else, to be a good boy and valued. Maybe if we feel no one cares for long enough we reject it when it happens because it becomes so special to us we don’t want to lose it, we have to know it is the real thing first. Obviously, we can’t know that, it has to be on trust but that’s really difficult with a history of hurt.

Of course, I am a lot older now and, probably, a little wiser than my teen self. Even so, I still have that feeling that something else is meant for me, I am meant to be something more. What I am wondering more now though is, could it be I am not seeing the forest for the trees?

Looking back on my dreams from the past, every one of them came true. Not that it happened anything like how I would have imagined it but, it still happened. Is that destiny, Karma? Nah, I just think it was me seeing something amazing and grabbing it with both hands. My insisting that ‘no’ was not the answer I was looking for so ‘try again until you get it right!’

In my mind I am convinced that I shall be a lottery winner and possibly be able to relax when not helping others, a part of me I value above all else. The reality my logical brain goes to is different. That tells me the gravy train is leaving town and I am gonna be an old fart left with nothing probably too scared to put the heating on.

Look, we have shit in our lives, live with it. Forget the shit and how ‘shit’ it is, look at what isn’t shit. I have been lucky enough to have 4 kids and, so far, two grandkids. I have also met and value many friends and my family if forever growing. Yes, life could be better but, it could be a lot worse too and, if that happens, I am gonna just have to accept most of the blame for that. If I am only half the man I think I am, I should be OK when I am older. If I am just kidding myself about who I am then, well, then I am screwed!

How amazing is this … people are alive today because I exist, wow!

They are:

The ‘What if something never happened?’ game which means, if you could travel back in time and change things, what would you change and, would you actually be better off or, could it actually have stopped you getting something you value?

The ‘What would I do if I won big on the lottery?’ game which is, rather self explanatory.

For the first I have normally concluded that I could barely so much as tinker with the shit that has happened in my life without losing something I value right now. I can’t have ever persuaded the younger me to come out at 20 like I wanted to. I may have had a good life but, what I am quite certain about is that I would not have the friends I have now, would not have my kids and my grandkids. That is a price too high to pay. One thing I know, well, I ‘think’ I know is that I could have said ‘yes’ to my mum to buying her something from Sainsbury’s. I have always felt guilty saying no and … bugger, you see, there we go again. That one moment defined a part of me that it probably vital to who I am now. It kicked me in the arse and made me realised to not say no unless I have to because I never know what could happen if I do. Buggerations cos I was so certain I could alter that one and it would not change anything. Think about it honestly, what could you change without losing part of your personality, your friends, maybe your family?

The winning lottery ticket is in my hand … what do I do? You see, I’d have thought the answers would come easily and, if I were many years younger, maybe they would but, I have things that matter to me that are too important to lose but then, when would I ever get another chance?

Do I like living in England? Well, up until now, no, not really. I detest our awful weather, the nanny state, the class system, the inequality. So, I can go anywhere, where do I go and, if not, why not?

First reaction, go to Florida, I can live with the occasional hurricane but wait … if we go there, me and Deej are no longer married, we are just another gay could living together with no rights at all. I don’t like that at all. So, nice place to visit, I am not going to live there. Gran Canaria maybe? Well, it’s big but it is still an island, I’d get bored and feel trapped. I am not sure I want to learn another language. I don’t like that they seem to smoke wherever they feel like despite a smoking ban, the tourists would probably piss me off too. Erm, that rules out most of Spain then. South of France? Just about the same reasons as Spain, oh dear. Further north and it is too cold. Australia maybe or New Zealand? Hmm, Oz, maybe but then, they are not exactly renowned for their tolerance of difference. One other really important thing. Spain and France are a short flight away, when kids miss me or I miss them, they or I can get on a plane but, the other side of the planet? I don’t think that can work. My long standing conclusion seems to be … be based here regardless of the bits I don’t like and just disappear elsewhere when the mood takes me … when I write ‘me’ and ‘I’ then take that to mean, anyone who is with me. On that one question, who’d be with me (apart from Deej of course) I have few answers that I am truly happy with. I can’t imagine Matt and Anne wanting to up and move anywhere out of Northampton. I am not even sure Sean could drag himself away. Zoey, most probably. Jermaine, that would be the biggest wrench as moving away would mean barely ever seeing him, I am not sure I could handle that. Robin, I think would follow. James I would prefer to follow because he’s part of the family and should be around Josh as well as Daisy and Sean but then, if they never went then James would have no need either … you see, too many damn question when a huge injection of cash should be offering solutions! A new car … yes, a simple one … except, choosing which new car, that’s hard but I suspect fun working it out.

On another, not too unrelated note … I need photography practise … should anyone want some experimental pictures taken, please ask me!

They are:

The ‘What if something never happened?’ game which means, if you could travel back in time and change things, what would you change and, would you actually be better off or, could it actually have stopped you getting something you value?

The ‘What would I do if I won big on the lottery?’ game which is, rather self explanatory.

For the first I have normally concluded that I could barely so much as tinker with the shit that has happened in my life without losing something I value right now. I can’t have ever persuaded the younger me to come out at 20 like I wanted to. I may have had a good life but, what I am quite certain about is that I would not have the friends I have now, would not have my kids and my grandkids. That is a price too high to pay. One thing I know, well, I ‘think’ I know is that I could have said ‘yes’ to my mum to buying her something from Sainsbury’s. I have always felt guilty saying no and … bugger, you see, there we go again. That one moment defined a part of me that it probably vital to who I am now. It kicked me in the arse and made me realised to not say no unless I have to because I never know what could happen if I do. Buggerations cos I was so certain I could alter that one and it would not change anything. Think about it honestly, what could you change without losing part of your personality, your friends, maybe your family?

The winning lottery ticket is in my hand … what do I do? You see, I’d have thought the answers would come easily and, if I were many years younger, maybe they would but, I have things that matter to me that are too important to lose but then, when would I ever get another chance?

Do I like living in England? Well, up until now, no, not really. I detest our awful weather, the nanny state, the class system, the inequality. So, I can go anywhere, where do I go and, if not, why not?

First reaction, go to Florida, I can live with the occasional hurricane but wait … if we go there, me and Deej are no longer married, we are just another gay could living together with no rights at all. I don’t like that at all. So, nice place to visit, I am not going to live there. Gran Canaria maybe? Well, it’s big but it is still an island, I’d get bored and feel trapped. I am not sure I want to learn another language. I don’t like that they seem to smoke wherever they feel like despite a smoking ban, the tourists would probably piss me off too. Erm, that rules out most of Spain then. South of France? Just about the same reasons as Spain, oh dear. Further north and it is too cold. Australia maybe or New Zealand? Hmm, Oz, maybe but then, they are not exactly renowned for their tolerance of difference. One other really important thing. Spain and France are a short flight away, when kids miss me or I miss them, they or I can get on a plane but, the other side of the planet? I don’t think that can work. My long standing conclusion seems to be … be based here regardless of the bits I don’t like and just disappear elsewhere when the mood takes me … when I write ‘me’ and ‘I’ then take that to mean, anyone who is with me. On that one question, who’d be with me (apart from Deej of course) I have few answers that I am truly happy with. I can’t imagine Matt and Anne wanting to up and move anywhere out of Northampton. I am not even sure Sean could drag himself away. Zoey, most probably. Jermaine, that would be the biggest wrench as moving away would mean barely ever seeing him, I am not sure I could handle that. Robin, I think would follow. James I would prefer to follow because he’s part of the family and should be around Josh as well as Daisy and Sean but then, if they never went then James would have no need either … you see, too many damn question when a huge injection of cash should be offering solutions! A new car … yes, a simple one … except, choosing which new car, that’s hard but I suspect fun working it out.

On another, not too unrelated note … I need photography practise … should anyone want some experimental pictures taken, please ask me!