Three surnames, one person
I am aware that after Boxing Day we have New Years Eve and … well, we don’t know 2021 will be any better than 2020 and I am feeling almost inclined to just let it slip in (so to speak) without any acknowledgement and take the attitude ..
“It is what it is”
This is going to sound like a rant, and maybe it is and perhaps I am just writing this for me to get some of the frustration out there, out of me!
Much of the time I feel like an utter fraud with my health. In my mind I can just do all the things I used to do, no doubt about that at all. 10 mile walk? No problem! Walk up a mountain? Sure, swim a mile? Yeah, not an issue! I can carry heavy things, I can run, I can jump, I can do everything I ever did before and then some.
So I get this disability benefits and think to myself that I shouldn’t be getting them, I am fine. Sure, I hurt like crazy every day and I feel tired all of the time but, that’s OK, I mean, that’ll clear up eventually, it’s just temporary, it’ll pass.
What I cannot accept, despite all the evidence is that this is permanent, I am actually ‘disabled’. Earlier I saw a job offered and thought to myself, I can do that, it’s easy for me a role like that. Sure, £10 an hour is crap but, why not? This is how my mind still works!
The frustration is, there is this huge gap between my idea of me and my reality.
Every day I have to push through the most basic of tasks, just thinking wears me out now. If I am out I feel the fatigue creeping in and know I have to leave right there and then else I won’t be able to drive home, it would be dangerous, I’d be too tired. Likely I’ve only been up after 8 hours sleep for 2-3 hours and that’s me done. So I’ll get home and I’ll force myself through where most likely would be in bed. Realistically, I know I am not going the day without sleep, if I didn’t sleep it would be dangerous for me to drive to collect Dennis.
Today I was ‘normal’, my interpretation of it anyway. I took Dennis to work then me and Daisy went to Milton Keynes, we did the Disney Store, had a coffee and then went off to Costco for some serious shopping. We overshot a little on the timing coming home so had to dash back, we’d forgotten we couldn’t go straight to the school as the back seats of the car were covered in shopping so we had to get that out. This meant me carry heavy stuff indoors in a hurry. Got home with the kids, had a cuppa, got a take out then got the kids to boys brigade in the village. We visited Robin whilst they were there then collected them and went home. I went out, collected the bins from the back and I’ll leave the positivity there and now mention what I left out.
The entire time in Milton Keynes I was using my mobility scooter, I didn’t walk anywhere. We had to stop on the way back because I needed a break, it’s only 30 minutes from Milton Keynes but I needed a break. Daisy had go with me to collect Dennis, I was actually way too tired and shouldn’t have been driving but it was my responsibility and someone with me keeps me alert enough to drive safely. I went to Robins because I would rather ask him in person to collect Dennis tomorrow because, I wouldn’t be able to. I nearly fell trying to collect the bins and Sean rescued me. I caused myself unbearable pain doing it and couldn’t use my left arm for a while.
By 10:30 I was mentally awake but in every other way, I was exhausted so went to bed. At around 2am I woke up again unable to sleep because of the pain and the sweats that I all too often get even when everyone else says it’s chilly. 3:15 and I am still awake and not feeling sleepy. I have taken the strongest pain relief I can but still hurt like crazy. I am also as itchy as can be and have sores in various places which is very uncomfortable.
Friday I know I am going to continue in my melt down, this always happens if I try ‘normal’, the next few days are just really unpleasant. To clarify, I am not depressed or anxious at all, this is pure frustration. I am so looking forward to Christmas, to making plans for next year, it’s going to be great.
Next week I hope to start an exercise course in Daventry, building up slowly at a specialist centre to try and loosen me up again. It’s what they do there, they take sick patients and work them through whatever they can do. Notice how I instinctively didn’t type ‘us’ there?
But, I like my frustration, it means I keep pushing, keep fighting. I am never not going to hug or play with my grandchildren!
The most frustrating part of this frustration is it makes me grumpy sometimes, not fully able to let matters ride. Generally, when I get like that, this is when I relent and sleep. It’s not anyone else’s fault I am like this, or mine for that matter!
I know tomorrow I am going to be screwed but, we are having steak for dinner dammit! Daisy, did I mention we’re having steak? I may even get my new glasses ordered again, maybe!
Now, I am only wearing my underwear and my dressing gown but am sweating loads, should I just go sit in the garden for a bit? It’s 2°C out there so it might cool me down enough to get some sleep. I can feel the pain relief having some effect now.
I know I shouldn’t have to do this but there are some evil people in the world … All that stuff I wrote about mountain climbing, swimming and so on, that’s in my mind, I can’t actually do that so, hold off on the reporting to the DWP fraud line!
I know it’s very council estate but the other day I just left home and looked over my shoulder and suddenly realised just how happy I am living here with who I am living with.
Sure, I’d love a mansion big enough for all the family or, better yet, a large house with houses in the grounds for family so they all get their own space.
Home is just such a special space though, wherever it may be. It’s tatty and run down on the outside, the garden is overgrown and if anyone wants a meter reading I’m in trouble but, it’s where I live and love, it’s home.
Anywhere can be home though, it’s not so much a location as the place where we share love. There are many places I feel at home, places I can happily lay my head and feel safe.
Since having a house with my name on it I have totally up 4, two in Basildon, two in Northampton, probably lived here longer than any of them! We moved in this place in March of 2003, on Matt’s birthday as it happens and, not the best of birthdays for him. If it could have gone wrong it did. Let me fill this story out more. I guess a picture speaks a thousand words
Firstly, the safe bit … when I came out in … OK, I came out several times but I started living as a gay man in 1995 and I thought it would be really useful to set up an online group for other gay men around the country who were like me, married and with the realisation that they were gay. The group worked well, I helped thousands of men, literally saved some lives and improved the lives of many men and couples. This success had a twist I wasn’t expecting and wasn’t prepared for. I became saleable. To me all publicity was good publicity, it had to help people to get the message out there and so, at first I did some magazines.
The results were rewarding, membership grew and many more families were helped. I also got asked to do radio as well which I gladly did. Local radio at first then national and leading on to International with a guest spot on a radio show in the States somewhere. Again, the only impact this had was positive so, I didn’t see the harm. Then the TV offers appeared. This is where things went very wrong!
It seems like common sense now but my brain didn’t figure that there was a world of difference between appearing on low grade media to starring in an hour long C4 documentary! I was so keen to get the message out that it didn’t cross my mind that I’d be putting anyone at risk but this is exactly what I did.
Not only was there the documentary but the morning the show was aired we were in London filming a promo gig for ‘This Morning’. Yes, it is all kind of glamourous, expensive hotels and the such like, certainly an experience and then:
In desperation I opted to do more press, anything to try and demonstrate we would not be beaten, to try and show that this couldn’t be how people could be treated.
The problem was, the adults behind the attack knew how to work the system, they got their kids and their friends to do the physical assaults, encouraged them heavily to do whatever they liked. Because the eldest, an Ashley Nestor, was just 15 at the time the police handled him very delicately. He was asked to go for an interview and treated to McDonalds first, they warned him over and over that if he didn’t stop they would prosecute him but they never did of course. At the request of our landlord they installed a camera and recording equipment then openly admitted they told this Ashley which area the camera covered (to avoid unpleasantness in the community). In other words, they’d rather sacrifice our family that deal with the crime and consequences.
After nearly 3 years we were moved for our own safety.
Honestly, I loved that house when we moved there in 1995, it was like a dream location compared to where we’d come from. The TV had a plus side in that it finally forced me and my wife into making a decision and divorcing. It wasn’t that we’d stopped loving each other, I really do not feel that was ever an issue, more that my sexuality was never going to make our marriage fulfilling for either of us.
I have skipped many details, some really nasty stuff, physical assaults, hospitals and so on.
Me & Matt did make an informed decision to do one last piece for ‘The Sun’, the money was good and on this one we were right, there was no negatives.
Now it is just this blog and the usual social media that we all use. I have no desire to ‘go public’ again, we’ve done our bit and I can tell you something for nothing, likely not one of the thousands of guys and their family I helped ever give me a moments thought but, that’s fine. I can but hope that their home is as happy as mine.
I suspect my blog was actually getting on a bit, that I’d started it some time ago so I went and took a look and was quite shocked to discover the first entry was actually from June 2004!
Somehow I have managed to keep it all in one piece despite numerous moves about from one remote location to another.
I’ve probably lost some images along the way which went with entries but, back then, the internet was really slow so, quite likely those pictures were poor quality and barely worth bothering with.
2004 was a really very busy and decisive year. It was when I decided to end the relationship I was in at the time and rediscover myself, so much has happened since. I am tempted to read it all through just in case I missed something fun!
You take care now
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