17
Aug, 2020

Heart on my Sleeve

 

If I were to get a tattoo, it’d likely be something like this
True, it is unlikely I ever would get one but, if I did and here is why …

I am the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I am an open book, what you see is what you get and nothing complicated about it. Therein lies the problem. In this day and age and especially in the UK, genuine people are few and far between. There is so much dishonesty and deceit everywhere, especially online, that it is so difficult to trust anyone.

Then, we have ‘profiles’ everywhere which tell the world what we want the world to think we are. These things don’t allow room for individuality on any significant scale.  These things have to be filtered down so that we remain acceptable to the people around us and then we have to come across as likeable and interesting and, before long we have a fairly generic profile structure and we are loathed to be more honest in case it makes us look weak, turns us into that freak with issues, with baggage. No one wants to get cancelled out of the modern age, we have to play it safe.

As such, wearing our heart on our sleeve doesn’t work in 2020. We become vulnerable, we are perceived as weak and worse, as ‘up to something’. As though, no one can be genuine, something else has to be going on in the background.

In my life I have experienced real sadness and loneliness, times of absolute despair, of grief and pain. This gives me a perspective on life. If I say “I know how you feel” I probably do.
As we go through life we meet people and they get a snapshot of us at that time in that place and their entire knowledge of us is based on the feelings they get at that time. They don’t know our background, they probably don’t want to know our background. This is ‘baggage’ and it’s not a popular topic but, with baggage comes wisdom.
I like many others have experienced my fair share of grief with the loss of someone or, several in my life. As a child I experienced years of bullying likely brought on by my inability to socialise. That in itself was likely brought on by years of female care whilst I was a very sickly child in and out of hospital a great many times. My father would have argued that all that female input turned me into a ‘nancy boy’ but, that’s one of those old fashioned attitudes I had to live with in my life. I have lived through and survived an abusive relationship I didn’t share. I have been raped too by a guy at one point, I don’t normally share that information. By so many people I have been emotionally scared.
Remember I said about the lives that others create for themselves? That’s one of the classic ways I have been hurt. Getting to know me people have turned to me for help knowing I could and would. Once they get what they want they then have to create a fake news story about me to distance themselves from the problems they needed sorting. I’ve been a victim of crime and ended up the one who got the blame for it and was visited by the police. Homophobic abuse to a huge level. I have been accused more times than I can count of benefit fraud and had to prove it did not happen many times over. I’ve had officials suggest it wasn’t appropriate for me as a gay man to take my disabled son to a toilet. I could write and write about all the negativity in my life but, that gets us nowhere other than to suggest I might actually know what I am talking about.
The reality of my life is that all the best flowers grow best in shit. To occasional enjoy the beauty in life I have to that knowledge firmly fixed in my head. Eventually, this shit will be the fertiliser from which something wonderful will grow.
Just look at this great times:
On holiday with my first boyfriend in Majorca. I fell head of heels in love and then after three years, he disappeared which totally screwed me up
Yes, in the 80’s I had the hair and the huge glasses and was about to embark on a marriage which would last 14 years and lead to 4 children and 4 grandchildren.
Still with huge glasses and a perm, in the late 80’s on my wedding day

That wedding day:


My mum, bless her, had died just three weeks earlier. Honestly, I was in no mood to get married but it seemed pointless to cancel it. We were expecting our first child and delay would make the whole thing ‘awkward’. Because of family infighting and some evil ones within my family we were denied the people I would want to see, the day was really quite the emotional disaster.

The following years moved along. I was mainly working, a short while as a house husband but mainly working. in 1993 we had a really bad road accident which could have been so much worse. The long lasting effect on me was the start of my depression, something I have never got over.

By 1995 the pressure of living as a gay man became too much for me and it marked the start of the end of my marriage. By 2001 it was all over.

My body shape had wandered in and out several times but by the Millennium I was fit and ready to start my gay life … with 4 children, two of whom were very disabled.
I had a long term relationship which had a whole host of compromises attached to it, I think at the time I was living someone else’s idea of a gay life. Eventually for one reason or another this fizzled out in 2004
2006 I met someone else, we civil partnered in 2009 and that was dead by 2012. In the meantime I’d become a grandfather a few times over.
In 2015 I’d start online dating the man I would eventually marry and in later that year we met up
What I did not realise at this time was that in 2014 I had got a virus I didn’t quite recover from which led to me getting M.E. and I have been on a steady decline ever since. It’s an invisible illness though so, on the whole, most think I am a liar and make it all up. I can’t change that and regardless of what they think I still have to live with it albeit the extra help and understanding would be good.

In 2017 we got married locally in front of many we love and care about. Sadly, some are no longer with us and they are missed every day. It was a wonderful occasion and I am so grateful for my good fortune.


That shit though? Yes, I am in shit loads of debt now, debt I will never clear as things look right now, a constant worry. My health makes me watch my life go by unable to enjoy it like I used to.

Look, to get here has got a whole lot of fertiliser used.

This is my heart on my sleeve. I can tell you that being there for others is rarely reciprocated, it’s a terrible life investment but that’s me.

July Already

I am struggling somewhat with depression and anxiety at the moment. Rather a lot of things are really getting to me.

There is the issue of the garden which probably irritates me the most. Losing £3500+ to a rogue trader who left me with an utter disaster and not being able to do anything about it. I am taking legal action but am fully expecting that I just threw good money after bad and will never see a penny back from it.

Seeing the mess every day is a constant reminder of the time I became a statistic, something I thought would never happen.
Not getting money back yet from Disneyland after months of trying is upsetting me too, it just shouldn’t happen, not with Disney, it’s like showing Mickey smoking dope! No Disney, sort yourselves out.
An issue whereby I was using a charity to help me with my PiP claim but they sort of were not helping just giving me more stress.So, it looks like I am on my own with that one.
I understand we have Covid-19 still raging but the total lack of any support for day to day conditions from the NHS. It makes no sense how it is fine to go to a pub but not to see a consultant, or have a telephone consultation, they cannot all be treating Covid-19 patients.
There are good things happening too, this is always the case but, right now I’m feeling a certain burdensome amount of injustice,
5
May, 2020

#disneylandparis Where has all the magic gone?

#disneylandparis I am so disappointed in them!

We have a vacation booked in August with them. We saved long and hard and it is costing a small fortune but, hey. it’s Disney!
For us to go, my husband has to apply for a Schengen Visa which we know he will get this year as we’re still subject to EU rules until the end of the year. It’s automatic for just a few expenses.
The trip is in August.
All seems quite simple except that …
Where he works is making them take their annual leave whilst on Furlough and have insisted that all advanced booked holiday is cancelled and used to cover their stay at home cost. Actually, it just covers 20% of the cost because the other 80% is paid by the government but, that is an aside!
Of course, we still don’t know if travel restrictions will be in place in August.

The thing is, if all the annual leave is used before returning to work then, we cannot go. The same may apply to my son too who is coming with us along with my daughter and grandchildren.
Right now all I am getting from Disneyland Paris is that they will offer us a voucher for the full cost, the amount we have already paid. 
I pushed a little further. What we have is 5 nights with half board included. I asked them what would happen if the same time next year you are not offering half board and you raise the prices to cover your losses of this year and was told we would have to pay the difference! So, what they are refunding in a voucher is not what we have contracted with them but a different deal entirely which stands to very much benefit them.
Also I wanted to know, if the situation between the UK and the EU changes next year and my husband cannot get a visa, can we get a full refund on the voucher? They won’t answer that.
The thing is, accepting a voucher doesn’t constitute a holiday for insurance purposes. If I accept it and find out we cannot go, we have no recourse with our holiday insurance, we’re effectively giving up that option.
As is stands we got to wait and see. If travel restrictions are not lifted in August they have to offer us a full refund by law. Many companies are trying to get away with the voucher option but, they will eventually cover it. If they don’t, I’ve our holiday insurance to fall back on.
I told them I have visited more times than I can remember, I explained all details important to our case and yet they just direct me to their website!

We’re stuck because, right now they’ve got around £3000 of our cash. 

Some companies, especially Disney, have a responsibility which goes beyond the corporate line. Disney is a dream, Walt never planned for it to be a nightmare for anyone.
July 2020 update:

I am still waiting on my nearly £3000 refund. I finally spoke to someone on the phone but it’s not looking good for any time soon. The last contact was June 24th when we were assured that we would get an email confirmation of our cancelled stay, that didn’t happen. We were also told, as a good will gesture that they would not charge a cancellation fee. A bit rich seeing as they’d already announced our hotel wasn’t open for August when we were due to stay there! @disneylandparis #disneylandparis should be really upping their game

26
Apr, 2020

Anyone, Anywhere … Anytime

Anyone, Anywhere …Anytime 

I am one of the 25%

A quarter of everyone at some time in their lives suffers with mental health issues. There is a huge range of what qualifies as a mental health issue but we all know someone, whether we realise it or not, who suffers.

In my case I have suffered with it the majority of my life. I can recall suicidal thoughts for certain in my early teens.

Probably as a result of bullying at home and school coupled with regular health issues (and my sexuality), I felt isolated. Rarely did I ever quite fit in with anyone.



These experiences shattered my self worth

My confidence in my abilities in activities involving others was most often negligible. I was that kid who had the ball taken away more often than I can remember and who was ridiculed for being short and not able to do the highjump. I was good at Cross Country running but, that wasn’t the cool thing to be any good at so there was no pleasure in it. PE teachers would save all their praise for their muscle bound achievers. Swimming I did enjoy but constant ear infections meant I always had sick notes not to do it. I was the loser standing poolside alongside the lazy kids. Not that sport was something I could actually see to do. I was made to remove my glasses every session then shouted at because I didn’t hit the spot I couldn’t see on the trampoline. I didn’t have hearing aids then either so I was known to be running for a goal, ball at feet after a whilst had blown feeling like a total idiot even without the comments enforcing that opinion afterwards.

Having learnt no social skills at school I found the workplace a disaster. I think others made an effort for me to be involved but I was too stupid or insecure to recognise it at the time. I was quite good at being social down the pub though, I remember fun times doing that, happy times.



The good times

Life wasn’t all awful. Sadly, because they are stronger I think I recall the down moments more than the positive ones. Am trying really hard and not many positive moments are slapping me in the face! There were some though, this is quite obvious. I cannot have lived through that time without some good times.



Relationship Status

My first ever serious relationship was with a guy. I think I would have spent the rest of my life with him very happily but, that didn’t happen. Happily Ever After for gay men in the provinces wasn’t really a thing in the 80’s.

I did fall in love with a woman in the 80’s, we got married and we had children. Although there was love I was fighting every day with my sexuality. A gay man living in a heterosexual world acting it out. It’s hard going mentally. I lived on a knife edge of deceit making a very good job of convincing the world I was someone other than who I was. I am sure this took a much great toll on me mentally than I had ever realised.

Family

My experiences with blood relatives was toxic at best. Mum died in 1986 when I was 23. She had been my rock, one of the very few who was there in my corner when the world was scary and tough. A few horrible years followed where support came at a price too high to pay.

The straw on the camel

With two of the children mentally handicapped I was struggling. I realised how tender my mental health was when in 1991 on a trip back from Norfolk to Essex the car I was driving was rear ended by a Land Rover towing a trailer of bricks. It shunted our car forward two car lengths. On checking the rear it was plain to see how close to disaster it had been. Three children in the back and the boot of the car we were in had gone! Were it not full of loose clothing the result would have been fatal.

I tried to cope with it but my brain wasn’t managing it at all. I was a milkman at the time, you know, crazy early starts and people thinking I just worked a couple of hours a day. I had over 500 customers on my round. I could quote not only what their order was but also their current balance. I went into work two days later and couldn’t even remember what way to drive out the depot. The experience was a disaster!

I wasn’t able to work, couldn’t do it at all. I was in bed most of the time or crying. My wife did go out to work but, effectively that was the last job I did back then. The caring side was too much anyway so I went onto State Benefits. You know, ‘benefits’ are appalling. ‘Normal’ people really feel that they own someone receiving them. It added to my feeling of acting. Already stuck in the closet not really able to talk about my sexuality I now had the added taboo of trying not to share my life on benefits. Disabled kids was another thing people didn’t want to hear either.

Shame

The feeling of shame was always there regardless of what I tried to change it. Like I was hiding a secret, but important, defining parts of my life … no, I actually wasn’t a thief, that was just a visual prompt.

During this time I visited a Psychiatrist who had the opinion that all my issues would be resolved if I overcame my need to be penetrated! To this day this has never been a ‘need’ I identified with particularly. The psychologist I saw told me that I understood too much about psychology for him to be able to benefit me at all.

People without mental health issues may not understand.

One of the issues I have had is that friends or acquaintances have said to me before that I can’t really understand what they mean because I have never really lived their life. I have not had their experiences so I wouldn’t know.

We are our own worst enemies! We hide our life experience which makes us all feel so much more alone. Don’t get me wrong, I probably needed to see those experts just so as I knew that they couldn’t help me! That in reality they knew stuff but they didn’t know me. They were offering solutions which could apply to anyone but not, as it happens, to me.

Nightmares

The psychologist discovered I had terrible nightmares and he thought it would be good to teach me a technique to control my dreams. Very successful it was too. From that point on I was able to control my dreams to the point that I didn’t have dreams I couldn’t control eventually, I was always in control and, as such, I wasn’t dreaming any more! I was aware of everything going on, I was controlling it and eventually it became apparent that in my sleep I was mentally working as much as when I was awake!

The dreams I get now are totally screwed up. Not fantasy dreams or anything like that. Either total nightmares of losing someone close all thought out, checked and declared credible possibilities or I have dreams, as I mentioned, just reliving current issues I have to deal with. Both types are horrid. It sadly makes no difference if I try and add fluffy bunnies into the equation. I’ll find a way of making a safe and stable enclosure for them, worry about how I am going to manage cleaning them and tally up the cost!

Loneliness

I have travelled a lot to many wonderful places on my own and never did the feeling of loneliness feel stronger than at the times when I had so much to share.

There is a saying:

Someone with depression never feels more alone than when they are surrounded by people.

It’s difficult to explain it. Is it even possible to explain it to someone who has not experienced it?

My perception is that everyone else could see how I am feeling if they only looked and could just love and support me but, they don’t see me so it feels more like they’re laughing at me.

I am going into too much detail of aspects of my life which, whilst actually supportive of this ‘book’ are making it long winded and for that, I apologise but, more often than not, those with depression over think and here we are!

I met, fell in love and married Dennis, it was amazing. In my mind I was the knight on shining armour who was going to change his life for the better, give him a quality of life here like he’d never known.

In reality, I got myself in a lot of debt, more than I can handle. I became ill with a debilitating condition and now he works on a not very highly paid job to support me. He is never happier than when on video chats with friends back home. I can only hope and trust that he loves me enough to stick this out. One of my recurring nightmares is that he just isn’t there anymore.

Very Low times

Loses and major moments in my life of difficulty.

  • Losing mum in 1986
  • Discovering Zoey was also developmentally delayed in 1991
  • Losing Tony (friend) in 2005
  • The whole Javis thing between 2008 – 2014
  • Being cheated on in 2011
  • Falling in love to someone who didn’t love me back in 2004 & 2012
  • Losing my friend Claire in 2018
  • Losing Second mum Kay a few weeks ago.

One thing I remember someone in a care home told me one day ..

“The trouble with getting older is that the list of people to enjoy life with is forever shrinking”

Now I have to accept that I am on the list of those losing people all too often.

The latest is, of course, this pandemic which is affecting all of us.

My depression is creeping up on me again and the past 36 hours or so have been very difficult for me indeed. I cannot see to find anything to distract me away from it and things I try to do have made me feel all the worse. Reality is, I don’t have the ability to play fast paced games that younger people I have. My inability to reinforce how much I am loved by those I am playing with means that each time I hear them enjoy killing me in a game it feels personal. I know it isn’t but depression doesn’t have room for rationality.

Needing to feel wanted

I feel like I need to be part of a team. I was getting some of that feeling by creating quizzes, I felt needed and wanted. The interest in those has dropped away though. Participants are responding so far apart that those who finish first have little interest by the time everyone has taken part. I have a new quiz lined up but several households have two quizzes already sitting there waiting to do. So, that seems to have died a death.

Last time I actually went shopping tired me out completely for two days.

I am getting so fat I despise looking at myself. Dennis insisting on two main meals a day is certainly not helping. He has an advantage over me, he can exercise. I am just becoming Nelly the fooking elephant.

The growth on my right eyelid is starting to affect my eyesight again. I only have one good eye, on the right! Anything which changed my ability to see in that eye is a big deal.

Reading the above, I know I have every reason, some may argue, every right to be depressed. Knowing that doesn’t help at all sadly.

On reading this some may feel awkward, some will say ‘me too’ and others, probably most, would say, why do you always have to make everything about you?

But this is me. I am not a rock, more of a squiggy jelly. I don’t have all the answers just a lifetime of experiences which might coincidentally help you out. Try as I might, pulling myself together never seems to relate to something I can do. I have made huge, stupid mistakes in my life, some of them I still have to deal with, some could still place a level of stress on me I cannot possibly handle. Annoyingly, I wouldn’t be the person others seem to have feelings for without all the dire stuff which has happened to me.

Mum would say, “people get dealt the crap they alone can deal with” … hmm, I don’t know about that anymore mum.

I have seen many strong people weep. It is not a weakness, it’s truly experiencing the full range of emotions we have. Crying is an essential release for our inner boiling point.

Mental health is the elephant in the corner, show it some love