Category: Family

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Gay Rights again takes a nosedive!

I wonder how many I have looking at my blog are in their late teens? From distant memory it was seen as a huge success for a teen 16+ to bed a much older woman, to have their own ‘milf’. Society seems to accept that this is OK, some might even argue, it’s good to have a woman with some experience to show them the way and then we have Huw Edwards!

I do not pretend to know the man. This said, I am a bit of an expert on gay dads. Many will have known about their sexuality before they got married. They will have lived in an environment where even for them to accept their sexuality was not acceptable, just not a realistic option. They would have to give up everything familiar. Mr Edwards is the same age as me more or less. Back in the 1970’s there were very few parts of the UK where being out and proud was an option. The vast majority of men will have suppressed their sexuality, got married (to a woman they no doubt love) and had children and as life progressed the very real difficulties will have hit.

Sometimes, when we are young, it’s really difficult if not impossible to comprehend what a lifetime actually is, just how long it is. What we think we can manage in our late teens or early 20’s eventually catches up on is.

Many men will just leave their wives and go it alone but for most, they’d already have children by this time. They will have realised that they are performing with their wife but they still love her and absolutely adore their children, they struggle on managing their repressed sexuality as best they can. Sometimes with their wife’s knowledge and sometimes in secret they will find a way to satisfy their need to be with a man or even convince themselves that doing it virtually is enough.

Would it have been a news story so enormous as this if a newsreader had a distance fling with a younger woman? No, it would barely have attracted a mention. Maybe, as was the case with me, the wife is fully aware and accepting because it maintains their life of respectability. We just do not know but ‘The Sun’ came at this from the outset with their suggestions of what went on. To read what they wrote there was a newsreader obtaining sexually explicit images with a teenager. For many reading that they would have presumed the teen in question to be around 14, very much still a child. As it was, nothing illegal happened, both were of legal age and consenting.

I was listening to the radio this morning. People phoning in to explain how disgusting it was for this married man to have sex with a teenage boy … not that there has been, as far as I am aware, a fact that sex occurred but, even if it did, how is this in the public interest?

If Mr Edwards had spent his career being homophobic and challenging same sex relationships then yes, that is in the public interest but, again, AFAIK, he never did. He and his family have struggled through trying to have their private lives.

Then people are saying victim blame is going on, how so? The alleged ‘victim’ was legally able to consent to what he did AND had said prior to the printing of the story by the sun, that the story his parents told is just untrue. We cannot blame a victim who doesn’t exist?

Those who feel gays have got full equality need to understand from this story that they don’t. The UK press will still see their activities as a scandal, their life choices are not private.

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Thoughts today

For most of my adult life I think I’ve lift for now. Maybe I am in the minority for that with so many investing for the future, ensuring their retirement is the best time of their lives. There is a lot of merit in that but, here is why I chose not to do it.

Way up there on the top of that list is that my mother died at 52. Her and Dad went down the route of saving for their retirement, buying a house and so on and yet, there she was. For her it didn’t pay off and how might her life had been different had she lived to the full whilst she could?

My nan would have got another 13 years out of her life in retirement though, she didn’t take the route of investment for the future. She remained in her council house her entire life and seemed happy. Nowhere near as stressed as the home owning elements of the family. Her husband, my grandad, he went at 67. He got just two years of retirement before he died.

A boss of mine had this huge retirement party when he left at 65 on his last Friday which turned out to be just that, his last Friday.

You may have gathered that what I am saying here is, to me, buying a house, going short, managing for most of my life didn’t seem to make sense, I just didn’t know what the future would hold.

I cannot say how my life would have been different if I had of gone the house ownership route. What differing opportunities I may have had and taken. Would I have picked up a virus in 2014 which would leave me disabled for the rest of my life? Maybe not.

If I did not invest for the future, what did I do?

Travelled mostly. My kids didn’t just read about Europe at school, they went there and not just the tourist places either. I know I got a lot out of that and I am sure they did too. Perhaps even a love of travel which will pass to my grandchildren, a legacy maybe?

My homes were always comfortable. Furniture was placed when it needed to be as were carpets and walls decorated. The kids grew up in lovely places despite all the family difficulties we were to face.

Sure, in the back of my mind there was always that question: What about when I am older and perhaps in need of extra love and support? I always imagined it would be like my nan. Always getting someone popping in, invited over for Sunday dinner, doing holidays with her children and never alone at Christmas. Sadly, it is looking like that is not going to happen to me but, it was my gamble to take and I would do it all again just the same.

Here and Now I still need to invest in my comfort. All the carpets needed to be replaced, many are over 20 years old. It was bugging me that they looked so horrible and were impossible to keep clean so, they are being done. I still feel the need to feel safe and comfortable in my own home. I know it is ‘only’ a rented place. These spends will gain me nothing financially but, that is not my chosen path. What they do now is to ensure my life is as pleasant as it can be.

The problem for me, having a much younger husband is that we differ in our outlook. When he retires I will be 83 presuming the retirement age remains as it is. I won’t have many years in front of me assuming I last that long. Investing heavily now for that future is too high risk for me. For him it makes perfect sense. In 20+ years he can retire in comfort to his country of birth still a relatively young man. It makes sense for him and yet, not for me. Sure, I could get lucky and live until I am 100 but, it doesn’t look likely given my health issues.

My children, they aspire to house ownership and I would always argue, if the salary is high enough that it’s not a significant drain on daily living and leaves plenty of saving room then, it’s good, long term it makes sense knowing that some day that mortgage is paid and that will be extra in pocket income. However, if they must struggle to afford it, I can only advise, don’t do it. Enjoy your lives and your time with the children whilst you are able.

Ultimately, we only know which case is right or wrong when we die. Only then do we know whether we made the right choice or not. For now, I have some amazing memories to carry with me, worth every penny.

I’ve included a gallery which only brings me up to 2010 with so many great times after that.

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Marriage and what it means

Marriage Vows

I have strong feelings about this and a reason for why.

My parents got married in the 1950’s I believe. Toward the end of the late 60’s mum developed rheumatoid arthritis and it got worse and worse.

By the 1980’s mum really struggled. Dad wasn’t keen on taking over and mum frankly, wouldn’t have wanted that. However, certain aspects of their marriage had long since ended as mums level of pain rose over time.

On one occasion dad randomly started a conversation about toilet use and during it he made the statement, in front of mum that “to be honest, a good shit has always been better than sex with your mother”. That was his kind of humour but it’s a humour I know mum never got used to and I didn’t also. That comment really upset her.

in Late 1985 mum had to go into hospital. They took her in as much for a complete rest as anything else. However, on this occasion during usual visiting I noticed some weird shit happened with the fuel and mileage of the car I shared with my dad. I would not have noticed had he not begun to complain I wasn’t putting in my fair share. I discovered that each time he visited mum at the hospital and extra 40+ miles got added to the odometer in the car more than the journey actually took. As it kept happening I got out a map and drew a circle covering the additional distance. The conclusion was quite clear, he was meeting someone and not only anyone, he was meeting my aunt, one of mums closest friends.

He just randomly came out with it at Tesco one day when mum was still in hospital. I cannot recall anything relating leading up to him just coming out and saying “So, you know I am seeing Kath, don’t tell your mum”.

I said that if she didn’t ask I would say nothing but, on the contrary, any question she did ask I would answer honestly. Sure enough, within 24 hours she had asked me outright if Dad was seeing Kath. I told her what I knew.

Her heart was broken. She told Dad to go that Christmas of 1985 which he seemed to do willingly moving in with Kath. Some six months after that, after giving up on life, she died at the age of 52.

From that point onwards my life was devastated. Most of my closest family members I lost as they started to take sides. I was deemed to be on Dad’s side just because I had the surname and resembled his appearance. I totally was not on his side so I was just left in limbo right at the start of my own marriage and the birth of my eldest son.

A few years later I did ask Dad outright, why? His response sticks with me and prompts this blog post.

“I gave her the best years of my life, I got nothing out of the relationship after she got ill and I would have got less for murdering someone, I was entitled to a life too.”

Looking at the promise he made to mum, was that right or fair? I can see at least two broken promises and the other was relieved to boast about that she was dead so death had parted them!

Now, we have a friend who is from another country. The man to be her future husband contacted her, was very open with her, gave her all the information of a degenerative condition he had and what it might mean for her but, despite that, she agreed to marry him anyway.

Less than 20 years later she was complaining that he expected too much, wanted her to wash him, sometimes feed him and look after their kids. She left a few times going back and now she has left for good and also washed her hands of her kids neither of which are yet adults but teens. She is proud to boast she called one of them a prostitute for what she was wearing and content that her daughters regularly took over with their dad including bathing when she opted out.

Her parents she says, have turned against her saying she should have stayed and honoured her marriage and, of course, she disagrees, she’s ‘done enough’ which, to me, sounds all too family.

It worries me she has any influence in my own marriage. As my own condition gets worse I am terrified that those like her will persuade my own husband that I expect too much and that the marriage vows do not matter.

Now, to come clean. I used to be married to a lovely lady. I got married because in my life I had been convinced it was my only option. That living a life with respect to my own sexuality was not a choice I was ‘allowed’ to make. I had explained to my wife about my sexuality and I did try really very hard to ignore my dominant side of being gay, indeed, my only side. Eventually we did agree after around a decade to slowly, at our own pace, move away from our marriage. Live together but separate lives. Within 5 years it became apparent that this was not workable and we agreed to divorce. She knows that I remain there for just as I promised. Sadly, this was one of those occasions whereby marriage should not have been an option for us. Glad as I am that it was because of the experiences and the children but, this was not the honest life either of us should have lived and we remain good friends.

Why is it, I have to ask, that people are prepared to spend £10’s of thousands just to say those wedding vows *promises and yet, they mean so very little with them thinking that when the going gets tough, the promises don’t mean anything?

Makes me sad

Marriage and what it means

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Invisible Illness


Learn Something Today




Whilst I do have an invisible illness this is not just about me. So many people have an illness we can’t see and most of them share the same experiences in their lives. Short lived sympathy, well meant encouragement and disbelief.





This is true for so many … including me




I think we have all done it, we’ve been either sick or healthy ourselves then seen someone who isn’t working, perhaps claiming financial support and we’re like …. yeah right, looks like they’re ill!

No one intends to be mean about it but, we just don’t think. I know I have been guilty of it myself and I should know better and, this is why …





My Mum!




Mum had chronic arthritis. I had many stern comments to say to people on trains who left her standing whilst they sat in the disabled seat but mum was in constant agonising pain every day for the last 20 years or so of her life. I have lived knowing what invisible illness looks like so, yes, I should know better.





One of the things people might say to mum was “Oh yes, tell me about it, I have such pain with my rheumatism, you have no idea”! Now, true, to them it was bad pain but it didn’t compare to mum but she always took it graciously.





The truth is, even two people with the same diagnosis can have hugely different symptoms and degrees of severity. It simply isn’t right or fair from one sufferer to say to another that they do this or that so if they are copied then someone else will cope too, we are not the same.





Because it doesn’t




Why should we expect our lives should ever change whilst we are young and healthy? Mum died at 52, I am fast approaching 56. We just never know what ‘old’ is for us, we don’t know what cards life is going to deal us until we get them.





It is really upsetting to someone bravely suffering to imply that they might be making it up, they might be lazy or expect the state to support them.





“You’re too young to feel like that.”





“It’s all in your head.”





“Everybody gets tired sometimes.”





“Your pain isn’t real.”





“You’re cancelling on me again?”





“I’d like to lay in bed all day too but some of us have to work!”





“Well, you don’t look sick.”





Don’t judge that which you do not understand





The worst part is, sometimes the very people who say it have an invisible illness themselves. They might sufferer terrible migraine, anxiety or depression and, to them those things are totally real. It is no good telling your migraine that it is all in your mind and expecting it to go away!





Let’s get real, if it really is all in the sufferers head, wouldn’t they rather imagine they were wonderfully healthy full of bounce and vigour? Why would someone choose to struggle on a little income if they can choose a good job and big wage packet?





Why do women make this mistake?




Many women each month go through something quite unpleasant and to the outside world, entirely invisible yet, many may well expect and be given time off work for it and extra understanding from those around them simply by saying “It’s my time of the month”. Why can these ladies not understand how hurtful it is to tell someone they’re making it all up?





Next time you are confronted by someone who tells you they have an illness you don’t understand find difficult to accept, give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them. You don’t ever have to fully understand it but, one of the greatest comforts is having those closest to us tell us we are believed.