Category: My Thoughts

Everything which isn’t specifically related to one subject

Posted on

As I get older I think I get less ‘me’

I just watched an episode of Queer Eye which touched on some realisations I know apply to me.

Let’s do the history lesson:

I was a very in the closet guy until I was around 20, actually terrified of being ‘me’ so perfecting an image I could become. It was always an act and, as such, I wasn’t a very good version of myself, others noticed I was still not up to their expectation and I was in no position to explain my truth to them.

My absolute conditioning was to grow up, find a nice girl and get married. Honestly, being ‘gay’ was some vague thing other people far, far away might be and it was all a bit of a joke and no one took them seriously. Most certainly it couldn’t apply to me.

So, I got married, had children. Some believed I was the perfection of a heterosexual lifestyle.

Yes, I had some male/male experience and a two year boyfriend but, despite that, being straight still remained my only realistic option.

However, this boiler had to blow at some point (clean your mind, not in that way). At 32 I admitted to myself that I was totally, without any doubt, gay. The road to leading that lifestyle had begun and would continue to grow.

By the new century I was dating guys, raising 4 kids and life was good but, it wasn’t good at the same time. I had guilt. I now wanted the desire of acceptance to be a reality but, it so obviously wasn’t. My kids suffered because of my sexuality. Over time I stepped further and further into an internalised state.

Right now I am not really enjoying being ‘me’ as I feel my priorities are always the happiness of those around me, I come a poor third, fourth or twelfth on my list of priorities.

I have allowed myself not to be known. Seems that different people would describe me totally differently like I am several people all at once depending on who is asked. Many wouldn’t know my favourite food or drink, my dress style, my music taste and so on. It absolutely amazes me if someone perceives me correctly.

Now I worry that I might repeat to my grandchildren what I did to my children, make them explain ‘me’ to others.

The me inside wants to be out and happy to be so. I want to hold my husband’s hand in the street, give him a hug when I feel the need where so ever we are but, it doesn’t happen.

Genuinely, I think I am apprehensive of being happy, concentrating on whoever I am.

It’s OK though AS LONG as I actually am making others happy in some small way. A small sacrifice to make.

Posted on

PEM

Post-exertional malaise (PEM) is the worsening of symptoms following even minor physical or mental exertion, with symptoms typically worsening 12 to 48 hours after activity and lasting for days or even weeks. PEM can be mitigated by activity management (pacing).

I have been suffering for a few weeks now and I am hoping that this week I can get myself back to some sort of pacing. Sadly, unless I want to risk something going horribly wrong, I am going to have to say no a lot more often.

Ah, but, I hear you say, you just need to push through it.

That is precisely my problem, I keep trying that. The results of stupidly trying to push through knowing that this very act makes matters significantly worse astounds me and yet, that is what I have been doing.

Do you know what it feels like to forget your address? I have lived here over 20 years and I just couldn’t remember it. I was totally relaxed, not stressed at all and my brain just wouldn’t go there. That is a result of pushing through. It’s scary, it feels how dementia must feel. It’s not just a moment of blankness, it took me many minutes, too many minutes using a process of elimination before I got it close enough, it still wasn’t quite there but it was near to it!

Driving knowing I am too tired, that I am not at all alert and having to push through to get from A to B. That is mega scary. Planning a trip around a nap break. Not because I didn’t sleep at all, just because it didn’t work.

By exercising we are not referring here to going for a run or even a walk. It can be something like doing household chores, even feeding the cat! Mostly the above chart is spot on. It’s all very depressing in nature but, it is what this condition feels like and it’s not imagined.

Having too many days when waking up feels exactly the same as heading to bed, nothing has changes apart from some missing hours. Knowing that last night I went to bed feeling like this but somehow, I got to get through this day feeling how I felt last night!

Pleasure being measured by the possibility of just sleeping. Getting into bed, putting the phone too far away to hear, no alarm clock, no deadline, just resting.

The absolute madness of seeing a call come in on my mobile and knowing that the very action of taking that call is going to ruin every plan I had for the day. Trying to stay cool and not get mad at them when right there and then I just wish they’d left me alone. It’s always wanting me to do something, ideally now. So rarely do I get a call where someone just says “fancy a coffee, my treat”.

Even when I am given help I hear through the grapevine that they felt compelled to do them, like I am some great burden. It’s just so amazing when someone does something for me which makes my life better, no complaints, no reluctance, just doing it ‘because’.

Just writing this I feel my mind shutting down. Typing is more difficult as I go, more mistakes. I lose words. I start of typing and cannot think of the next word or anything like it. I feel what I want to write but the words just won’t come to me.

In the diagram above it goes a little understated or, over emphasise on quite hefty activities. It seems to imply that a sufferer going about their normal daily tasks or work and social suffer. This is way more basic than that. Just making breakfast cereal in the morning can render me unfit to drive. I know this and tend to avoid eating when I know I have to drive. As for the blue section, most are such radical events. I can get exhausted just by an attitude someone gives me, anything negative at all. It’s not realistic to expect constant adoration and praise but, all too often I feel I am being got at, used even just by the vibes I pick up that I am just too much effort.

Tomorrow I have a couple of things I need to do, I might even trim those down a little. Thursday I just have to get Dennis to and from work. I need to force myself to sleep at the other times.

I saw a shocking picture of a friend being treated for a very noticeable condition. I know they are getting shit tons of support (rightly so) and just sometimes I think to myself, why can’t people just see what I am going through here?