Category: Uncategorized

I really wish there was this magic ‘difference’ that January 1st had. To me it’s like going on holiday, everything about it is different except the one thing which actually makes a difference …. us! How annoying is it that no matter how far we go we always have to take ourselves along? What we really want is to be a different person, a better person, we think that a change of year or location will make all the difference but, it won’t.

If we want to be a different, better person then it is up to us to change. No more excuses. Most of us already know what we probably need to do but we’ve built up this buffer zone between what we need to be and what we are. Too many of us are held back by those around us, we can’t always change that, that’s a result of decisions we made years ago that we just have to wait out. Some of us choose to be in a friend group which actively holds us back. If our friends are irresponsible and immature, rising above that may well mean a choice, a future life how we want it or those friends.

The bottom line is, most likely all of us are terrified of change, even more so of what we don’t know. Where we are now is comfortable, it might be horrible but comfortable. We are, in effect, in our own self made prison yet, we have the key we’re just afraid to use it.

I know I have the key but I also know my prison is stupidly complex. It has so many doors the key won’t fit and so many that it will fit but which will take me somewhere worse and I am at an age where we start to consider, we don’t have so many healthy years left to chuck away trying things out!

The next couple of years is dead scary for me, I appreciate it is for many of you. The only reason it is scary is that I need to change everything. Anything which has been an important part of who I am is going to change, nothing I can do about it. I honestly don’t think I am going to know the right door to walk though because I am too trusting. The story of my entire life has been one of trusting and helping others with the usual result that I get used and abused. That is my issue, I need to stop that, stop being something I always valued about me. I got to say no to just about everyone not because they don’t deserve it but because I obviously don’t know who to and not to trust.

Wow, it’s scary!

Let me take you into my thinking … this isn’t speculation it is how life is, what I experience.

This is a set of my ‘excuses’ to stay in my comfort zone.

I am on my own because I chose to do the right thing and get married, I then chose to do the right thing, be honest and get divorced.

Then I chose to be with some guys who either had too many of their own issues to understand the complexity of my life or, they just plain cheated on me.

The complexities, what are they?

I am a totally gay man with 4 children, two of them mentally handicapped and I have 4 grandchildren. I am below average height, have poor eyesight and am partially deaf so need hearing aids. Because of the caring role for the kids I’ve not worked since 1993. I am effectively, the anti-gay. Not many can relate to that at all even less can they to my living arrangements and they do actively tell me this. On top of this I left school with poor qualifications, I come across as reasonable intelligent but my grades say otherwise to any prospective employer. To them I am long term unemployed, the wrong side of 50 and not overly bright.

Where does this leave me, what are the options?

Do nothing, wait on everyone eventually moving out the house and seeing where I am at the time.

Go get a job if I can. I might get to meet some good people. Financially I am unlikely to be any better off but it will mean I have an excuse to say no to more people.

Go get a job and try and build up the photography. Only slight issue there which I have to be realistic about is that the cyst which occurs in my eye I have been told will likely keep happening. That means for 3-4 months of the year I cannot see well enough to take pictures, it could also affect any job I do.

Can you see another of my issues here. No decision I could make is going to be fool proof, just about anything has something in the way, something I’ve got no control over.

Meet the perfect man who will overlook all the issues above so that with two incomes we can have a comfortable life – hey, it could happen, not everyone on the planet is a dick.

If someone else was in my situation and asking my advice I honestly think I’d conclude they were screwed!

But, it’s not someone else, it’s me and I somehow have to make my future, somehow I have to make it on my own as there is no one else who is going to be there alongside me propping me up.

Yeah, it’s scary and, annoyingly, that second which changed 2014 into 2015 doesn’t help at all

January was when I was all excited. In love with my man Jo from Gensan, very much looking forward to meeting him in February and planning a future together. Christmas had gone well, Javis was still doing good and working with Zoey.

Vodafone was still be annoying and making life difficult getting Sean’s number transferred to his new network but eventually got it sorted.

Got to watch 4 films this month, Saving Mr Banks, 12 Years a Slave, The Railway Man and Walking with Dinosaurs, all worth seeing. Do see Facebook for a fuller review of those. If you don’t know already, I am easy to find by going to https://www.facebook.com/northampton 

I also went to watch Matthew Bourne’s adaptation of ‘Swan Lake’ in Milton Keynes.

February and I watched ‘the Secret life of Walter Mitty’, again, see Facebook for review.

Shortly before I left for my travels I held an ‘Adios Party’ as I called it. The reason was that Mindanao isn’t exactly one of the safest places on earth for Westerners. It has a UK Government advisory and that means, zero insurance. I thought that as I’d be taking the risk it was only right that those who wanted to got to say a nice goodbye, just in case. I was really happy that all those who turned up were there, made me feel loved.

Robin took me to Gatwick and we stayed at a hotel at the airport overnight, Robin’s treat and I so appreciated that relaxed approach to the trip. We had a lovely breakfast and said goodbye and so started a very long journey to General Santos (Gensan) Philippines. There was 8+ hours from London to Dubai then a 4 hour wait there. Following that another 8+ hours on the flight from Dubai to Manila. Once in Manila I needed an overnight stopping place as there was a long wait before the flight out the following day, even then, I had to be up at 2am. Arrived in Gensan around lunchtime the following day.

Elsewhere is a summary of my trip both in the Philippines and the US so, not much point repeating it.

There was some stresses caused whilst I was away not least by Javis. He called one time, totally forgetting the time difference telling me he was on his way to a rave and needed money ASAP. I suggested the whole venture was flawed as he had arrangements the next day but he chose to ignore my advice. I couldn’t get money to him, probably a good thing but by the time I’d worked that out I was already very anxious. As it happens, I was right, it was foolish. It messed up his work from which Daisy had to sack him and his arrangements to see Josh. I don’t know the full story, I was the other side of the planet. Javis had promised me he wouldn’t do anything stupid whilst I was away because he didn’t want to damage my experience but he did do this anyway whether deliberate or otherwise.

I want to make it clear that there is an agreement whereby I don’t comment about Javis in public. My understanding of that is that I do not make any comment which he can challenge or which may hold him unfairly in a negative light. Respecting this I am leaving a lot out which very badly had a negative effect on me the early part of the year. Things that I was unable to prove to the satisfaction of the police but which I know to be true. Therefore, any comment I make here are my opinion of how circumstances which did happen made me feel.

Other negatives in the Philippines. Jo convinced me that the done thing over there was that the man with the money or, perceived to have the money or, as I was told, the white man, paid for everything. As such I seemed to be doing a lot of paying for friends and family out there. It wasn’t until the end of trip when I met Jo’s boss that I discovered this was a Jo thing rather than typically Filipino.

I’d also discovered whilst I was away that my Dad was very mentally ill and not expected to recover, you know, basically the sort of news from home one travels to other side of the planet desperate to hear but, facts are what they are, I’d rather know such things than not know.

March was also in the Philippines so elsewhere in this blog.

April and I was home at the start of the month. Soon after I did a trip to Essex to see Dad, he didn’t really have any idea who I was I don’t think.

Only watched one film, the Lego Movie but also went to see a show with Robin and Chris in Kettering, the Wizard of Oz. The cast decided it was appropriate to mess about with it and, to be honest, they were not overly good at acting so I feel they didn’t earn the right to a matinee mess about.

May and the film of the month was Captain America 2 (even thought I’d seen it already in LA).

Also during this month I discovered how unprotected victims were by the police in Northampton. I’d made a genuine report of theft from me of items and money for which I had evidence and yet the police accepted a version of events which were miles away from the truth, that I’d ‘given permission’ for the person to use my credit & debt card and to keep items that they had simply removed from my property. Had it not happened to me I’d not have believed it. I got stupidly angry and frustrated about it and posted publically about it from which, to add insult to injury, the police then protected the person who I believe to have committed offences against me and insisted I do not contact them or talk about the events. Whilst I try here not to mention names or specifics it is fairly obvious who I refer to. I can only state that I write this without prejudice and without malice. I do reserve the right to write about my life experiences without being gagged. If I allow that to happen then I do not live in a free country, So, this month gave me a lot of unpleasantness from Northamptonshire Police and also had ramifications for events later on in the year.

Toward the end of the month me, Daisy and the boys did a trip down to Faversham to see Steve, Rosie and the kids, very enjoyable.

June and my birthday month. I was by now sending a fair bit of money over to Jo in the Philippines for his daily living costs plus various tests he needed to take, an educational course and, back home the legal fees surrounding the visa application process. I was getting myself in debt to the point where I was totally relying on Jo working when he got here to help repay all the money I’d borrowed.

Robin took me to see ‘West Side Story’ in Milton Keynes which was totally amazing.

I bought a new purple laptop as a replacement for the one which got stolen earlier in the year to make me feel better for all the upset surrounding that. I decided not to replace the stolen bag purely because I didn’t need it. There was some sentimental value but, I’d not have wanted it back considering where it had been and what it had most likely been used for.

Only film seen this month was Maleficent.

July and a treat from Robin to see Singing n the Rain in MK, another excellent show.

Dad’s condition had considerably improved and so we decided to get him assessed again and he passed very easily as quite capable of making his own decisions.

The visa application was submitted and if Jo had done his side well enough it should have been approved. Jo and I had already discussed it and said that if it wasn’t we’d appeal anyway.

August. Dad came to live here. This was always going to be difficult for all of us.

I went to Disneyland Paris with Matt & Anne and, whilst I was there I was told by Jo that the visa had been rejected. It looked easy enough to appeal as they’d just got some facts wrong but, Jo told me he didn’t want to do the appeal, that he’d had enough of it all. It wasn’t until I got back that I’d discover he was already chatting to other guys using the same dating site we’d met on. In short, whatever the reason, whenever he decided, I’d been dumped by him knowing full well the financial mess that’d leave me in. I felt totally used and abused, I thought I was too clever for that sort of thing. My stress and depression levels were going through the roof.

September I watched the two films, Guardians of the Galaxy and Pride.

This month I also started talking quite a lot to Randy who restored my faith in the Philippines and who I wish I’d got to know before Jo. We’re the same age with a lot more in common. Of course, because of my experience with Jo I feel compelled to insist that Randy finds a way to come to the UK without me doing the arranging and certainly without my financial support. I now need to know from any guy, here or abroad that they want to make the effort for me and will find a way … this could mean I’ll be alone for a very long time if not forever.

October and it was obvious a cyst had reformed in the same place on my eye again. I have been trying to get a rushed appointment to the ENT dept.

Films of the month have been Boxtrolls and How to Train your Dragon 2.

At the end of the month was fireworks in Kettering

November and it was ‘White Christmas’ in Sheffield with Robin and Sean. It was meant to be with Jo but, circumstances took a different turn.

Also this month was meant to be my wedding. Though I’d accepted that me and Jo were history already, somehow it still demonstrated a loss to me. Depression would be a continuing issue throughout November as it had throughout September and would be into December. My having to mention it in an attempt to get it out of my system also damaged a long standing friendship.

December was not of major significance. I went on a Girlie Weekend with Daisy, Kim and Lina but, sadly, a throwback to the damage which had been ‘allegedly’ caused by Javis earlier on in the year wouldn’t go away and cost mine and Lina’s friendship. To remain friends would have required her to choose between me or some of her other friends who I knew had told her lies about me. I couldn’t cope with the notion that any part of someone I cared about could tolerate lies being told about me and especially from the source of where those lies had come.

I had my eye operated on but it doesn’t seem to have got better as much as it did on either of the other two occasions so I have some concerns about it.

Summary – I’ve had worse years, this was far better than any of those worse years. It is true that once again someone reported me to the Department of Works and Pensions for benefit fraud, as usual that case was eventually thrown out but not until it I’d gone through a lot of stress about it.

My eye problem has meant my Photography hobby has been on the back burner. I manage some photo shoots during the year with Tyler in June, Tom in August and two of the grandchildren last month.

I’ve had to take on a lot with Dad, much of it not pleasant but, I believe we’re nearing the end of the chapter now and hopefully, next month should see him in his own lovely flat back in Essex.

My eye I really hope improves

My finances, I so hope I get back in control of them, it’s scary how out of control that has got.

Love life? Not looking so good without the intervention of something I am not yet away of or a miracle. I don’t know whether to hold out for the one who could be ideal but is geographically challenged or, seek out someone closer to home? My gut tells me to wait for a miracle to work but then, I shall be 52 this year, that’s how old my mum was when she died. Am not sure I want to be on hold in hope when I might not need to be. It’s a confusing dilemma.

2015 has the prospect to be one of my best ever years or an absolute nightmare. I cannot see it being just another uneventful year. For the first time in an age I have nothing planned for the entire year. No visits or vacations, this is not ‘normal’ for me.

I am an optimist, a depressed optimist but still one all the same so, I hope the answers I need come this year.

This would also be a great idea to have absolutely nothing to do with someone who came into my life in 2008, might he blight my life never again! Only one good thing came from that, for that I am grateful, for the rest, I hope there is such a thing as Karma. Who’d ever think so much damage could be caused by just one person!

January was when I was all excited. In love with my man Jo from Gensan, very much looking forward to meeting him in February and planning a future together. Christmas had gone well, Javis was still doing good and working with Zoey.

Vodafone was still be annoying and making life difficult getting Sean’s number transferred to his new network but eventually got it sorted.

Got to watch 4 films this month, Saving Mr Banks, 12 Years a Slave, The Railway Man and Walking with Dinosaurs, all worth seeing. Do see Facebook for a fuller review of those. If you don’t know already, I am easy to find by going to https://www.facebook.com/northampton 

I also went to watch Matthew Bourne’s adaptation of ‘Swan Lake’ in Milton Keynes.

February and I watched ‘the Secret life of Walter Mitty’, again, see Facebook for review.

Shortly before I left for my travels I held an ‘Adios Party’ as I called it. The reason was that Mindanao isn’t exactly one of the safest places on earth for Westerners. It has a UK Government advisory and that means, zero insurance. I thought that as I’d be taking the risk it was only right that those who wanted to got to say a nice goodbye, just in case. I was really happy that all those who turned up were there, made me feel loved.

Robin took me to Gatwick and we stayed at a hotel at the airport overnight, Robin’s treat and I so appreciated that relaxed approach to the trip. We had a lovely breakfast and said goodbye and so started a very long journey to General Santos (Gensan) Philippines. There was 8+ hours from London to Dubai then a 4 hour wait there. Following that another 8+ hours on the flight from Dubai to Manila. Once in Manila I needed an overnight stopping place as there was a long wait before the flight out the following day, even then, I had to be up at 2am. Arrived in Gensan around lunchtime the following day.

Elsewhere is a summary of my trip both in the Philippines and the US so, not much point repeating it.

There was some stresses caused whilst I was away not least by Javis. He called one time, totally forgetting the time difference telling me he was on his way to a rave and needed money ASAP. I suggested the whole venture was flawed as he had arrangements the next day but he chose to ignore my advice. I couldn’t get money to him, probably a good thing but by the time I’d worked that out I was already very anxious. As it happens, I was right, it was foolish. It messed up his work from which Daisy had to sack him and his arrangements to see Josh. I don’t know the full story, I was the other side of the planet. Javis had promised me he wouldn’t do anything stupid whilst I was away because he didn’t want to damage my experience but he did do this anyway whether deliberate or otherwise.

I want to make it clear that there is an agreement whereby I don’t comment about Javis in public. My understanding of that is that I do not make any comment which he can challenge or which may hold him unfairly in a negative light. Respecting this I am leaving a lot out which very badly had a negative effect on me the early part of the year. Things that I was unable to prove to the satisfaction of the police but which I know to be true. Therefore, any comment I make here are my opinion of how circumstances which did happen made me feel.

Other negatives in the Philippines. Jo convinced me that the done thing over there was that the man with the money or, perceived to have the money or, as I was told, the white man, paid for everything. As such I seemed to be doing a lot of paying for friends and family out there. It wasn’t until the end of trip when I met Jo’s boss that I discovered this was a Jo thing rather than typically Filipino.

I’d also discovered whilst I was away that my Dad was very mentally ill and not expected to recover, you know, basically the sort of news from home one travels to other side of the planet desperate to hear but, facts are what they are, I’d rather know such things than not know.

March was also in the Philippines so elsewhere in this blog.

April and I was home at the start of the month. Soon after I did a trip to Essex to see Dad, he didn’t really have any idea who I was I don’t think.

Only watched one film, the Lego Movie but also went to see a show with Robin and Chris in Kettering, the Wizard of Oz. The cast decided it was appropriate to mess about with it and, to be honest, they were not overly good at acting so I feel they didn’t earn the right to a matinee mess about.

May and the film of the month was Captain America 2 (even thought I’d seen it already in LA).

Also during this month I discovered how unprotected victims were by the police in Northampton. I’d made a genuine report of theft from me of items and money for which I had evidence and yet the police accepted a version of events which were miles away from the truth, that I’d ‘given permission’ for the person to use my credit & debt card and to keep items that they had simply removed from my property. Had it not happened to me I’d not have believed it. I got stupidly angry and frustrated about it and posted publically about it from which, to add insult to injury, the police then protected the person who I believe to have committed offences against me and insisted I do not contact them or talk about the events. Whilst I try here not to mention names or specifics it is fairly obvious who I refer to. I can only state that I write this without prejudice and without malice. I do reserve the right to write about my life experiences without being gagged. If I allow that to happen then I do not live in a free country, So, this month gave me a lot of unpleasantness from Northamptonshire Police and also had ramifications for events later on in the year.

Toward the end of the month me, Daisy and the boys did a trip down to Faversham to see Steve, Rosie and the kids, very enjoyable.

June and my birthday month. I was by now sending a fair bit of money over to Jo in the Philippines for his daily living costs plus various tests he needed to take, an educational course and, back home the legal fees surrounding the visa application process. I was getting myself in debt to the point where I was totally relying on Jo working when he got here to help repay all the money I’d borrowed.

Robin took me to see ‘West Side Story’ in Milton Keynes which was totally amazing.

I bought a new purple laptop as a replacement for the one which got stolen earlier in the year to make me feel better for all the upset surrounding that. I decided not to replace the stolen bag purely because I didn’t need it. There was some sentimental value but, I’d not have wanted it back considering where it had been and what it had most likely been used for.

Only film seen this month was Maleficent.

July and a treat from Robin to see Singing n the Rain in MK, another excellent show.

Dad’s condition had considerably improved and so we decided to get him assessed again and he passed very easily as quite capable of making his own decisions.

The visa application was submitted and if Jo had done his side well enough it should have been approved. Jo and I had already discussed it and said that if it wasn’t we’d appeal anyway.

August. Dad came to live here. This was always going to be difficult for all of us.

I went to Disneyland Paris with Matt & Anne and, whilst I was there I was told by Jo that the visa had been rejected. It looked easy enough to appeal as they’d just got some facts wrong but, Jo told me he didn’t want to do the appeal, that he’d had enough of it all. It wasn’t until I got back that I’d discover he was already chatting to other guys using the same dating site we’d met on. In short, whatever the reason, whenever he decided, I’d been dumped by him knowing full well the financial mess that’d leave me in. I felt totally used and abused, I thought I was too clever for that sort of thing. My stress and depression levels were going through the roof.

September I watched the two films, Guardians of the Galaxy and Pride.

This month I also started talking quite a lot to Randy who restored my faith in the Philippines and who I wish I’d got to know before Jo. We’re the same age with a lot more in common. Of course, because of my experience with Jo I feel compelled to insist that Randy finds a way to come to the UK without me doing the arranging and certainly without my financial support. I now need to know from any guy, here or abroad that they want to make the effort for me and will find a way … this could mean I’ll be alone for a very long time if not forever.

October and it was obvious a cyst had reformed in the same place on my eye again. I have been trying to get a rushed appointment to the ENT dept.

Films of the month have been Boxtrolls and How to Train your Dragon 2.

At the end of the month was fireworks in Kettering

November and it was ‘White Christmas’ in Sheffield with Robin and Sean. It was meant to be with Jo but, circumstances took a different turn.

Also this month was meant to be my wedding. Though I’d accepted that me and Jo were history already, somehow it still demonstrated a loss to me. Depression would be a continuing issue throughout November as it had throughout September and would be into December. My having to mention it in an attempt to get it out of my system also damaged a long standing friendship.

December was not of major significance. I went on a Girlie Weekend with Daisy, Kim and Lina but, sadly, a throwback to the damage which had been ‘allegedly’ caused by Javis earlier on in the year wouldn’t go away and cost mine and Lina’s friendship. To remain friends would have required her to choose between me or some of her other friends who I knew had told her lies about me. I couldn’t cope with the notion that any part of someone I cared about could tolerate lies being told about me and especially from the source of where those lies had come.

I had my eye operated on but it doesn’t seem to have got better as much as it did on either of the other two occasions so I have some concerns about it.

Summary – I’ve had worse years, this was far better than any of those worse years. It is true that once again someone reported me to the Department of Works and Pensions for benefit fraud, as usual that case was eventually thrown out but not until it I’d gone through a lot of stress about it.

My eye problem has meant my Photography hobby has been on the back burner. I manage some photo shoots during the year with Tyler in June, Tom in August and two of the grandchildren last month.

I’ve had to take on a lot with Dad, much of it not pleasant but, I believe we’re nearing the end of the chapter now and hopefully, next month should see him in his own lovely flat back in Essex.

My eye I really hope improves

My finances, I so hope I get back in control of them, it’s scary how out of control that has got.

Love life? Not looking so good without the intervention of something I am not yet away of or a miracle. I don’t know whether to hold out for the one who could be ideal but is geographically challenged or, seek out someone closer to home? My gut tells me to wait for a miracle to work but then, I shall be 52 this year, that’s how old my mum was when she died. Am not sure I want to be on hold in hope when I might not need to be. It’s a confusing dilemma.

2015 has the prospect to be one of my best ever years or an absolute nightmare. I cannot see it being just another uneventful year. For the first time in an age I have nothing planned for the entire year. No visits or vacations, this is not ‘normal’ for me.

I am an optimist, a depressed optimist but still one all the same so, I hope the answers I need come this year.

This would also be a great idea to have absolutely nothing to do with someone who came into my life in 2008, might he blight my life never again! Only one good thing came from that, for that I am grateful, for the rest, I hope there is such a thing as Karma. Who’d ever think so much damage could be caused by just one person!

Well, another Christmas, I’ve had a few of those now, how many? Well, you should know that already dear reader.

2014 has been a bit of a roller coaster year, strange I’d say that, I quite like roller coasters!

I travelled all the way around the world this year you know, easterly all the way, that’s a lot of miles

I’ve loved and I’ve lost, starting to wonder whether … well, there may be someone, watch this space. Time shall tell, no rush.

Too much time has been spent in hospital either as a visitor or a patient, not one of my favourite places.

I have been shit on from a great height by at least two, if not more people this year, actually, it’s quite a few more if I am honest with myself about it, not a good year for respect 2014.

Oh boy, the debt, hell there is too much of that. Too much of a lot of things we could all do without this year.

But, on the whole a lot of good happened, there is always good in amongst the bad, it’s like that, life.

I’ve learnt a lot more this year about what true friends are (and what they’re not) and, I am a very lucky man. As someone once said, no man is a failure who has friends, that so true.

We are measured not by what we have but what we’ve given away, that too is true.

I am starting to think about a future I’d not have imagined this time last year, can it work? I don’t know, maybe. Is it a really sensible, well thought out possible future? Hell no! I’m lucky though, I have a safety net if it all goes wrong! Anyway, no changes for a few years.

So, it’s Christmas Day 2014. Anyone wanting Santa to visit is tucked up soundly in bed, right now, there is another man entirely that I’d like to visit!

Well everyone, you’ve got the best part of the week to make your plans for 2015. This year I am breaking from tradition, I have no plans for next year!

God bless us, every one.