Judgements impaired

I have to be honest and say that this posting is about how I am feeling and doesn’t contain anything that I would want to have to either prove or justify. Sometimes feelings are so strong and others make an impact on them that they don’t need to be justified.

Tony is dead, I can’t change that or, really, just about anything else just now and that isn’t a good feeling.

To me Tony was really special and I spent a hell of a lot of time with him, I considered that I was a special friend to him, one he valued on many different levels. It is hurting me like crazy right now that I feel excluded from the sympathy that is pouring in. I mean, it is being targeted well but, well, it is the first time I have ever thought of myself as ‘and all Tony’s other friends’. It really hurts to be clumped like that. I know others miss him too but I also know Tony valued me, was there for me and I for him during some difficult times, some really painful times for the both of us, well, it just doesn’t feel right. Actually, to be fair, I do have Dave who called me and Rich and I really appreciated Pete breaking the news to me and obviously Robin as always there for me … oh, it’s just messy and there is sod all I can do about it. Each time I read a message saying, ‘all my love to Pete and to Danny’ and I am thinking, OK, thanks, that hurts. I love both Pete and Danny and Danny has been a star because he could. If I didn’t have commitments I couldn’t drop I would have been there for Tony like a shot. Oh fuck, I am screwing this up but it has to be said in print and I guess, well, maybe if someone reads it they will understand it, see it is just me hurting.

Things are also not well at home. Zoey is off all this week with her school so I am going to miss her and Jermaine is back again after a month and I am not sure I am going to cope with that. I am going to have to try and find some way of getting Jermaine looked after next Monday so I can go to the funeral, begging again. Matt has said he will try and get time of college but he has already had some days off and it just isn’t fair.

Nick and I are having problems. I hope we can sort them but it is tough. I just spent an age trying to make adjustments and understandings for the previous Nick and that is no more a complaint about him that it is the current Nick. Joining this family is tough, it would be mad for anyone worse yet for someone who has no experience of kids and the responsibility that goes with it.

Earlier on … well, today was meant to be one where by this afternoon we would be resting and enjoying a nice meal that Nick cooked for us. It seemed all too familiar when I was being blamed for forgetting some ingredients, I am just so used to being the bad guy that has to be at fault for everyone else’s mistakes. Then I was doing way more driving that I had bargained for. It’s becoming all too apparent that Nick being of a student mind and with many much younger friends is causing issues. He is used to getting pissed regularly, smoking and generally being irresponsible (as students should be) and I really don’t enjoy getting pissed, hate smoking and have responsibilities whether I like it or not.

Having someone this evening for the second time go behind my back (could be coincidence, could be knowing how much I would disapprove) and get Nick to take him out whilst I was feeling ill in bed and Nick was meant to be cooking dinner, was just so low. I mean, if that person had brought those drugs into this house they just need to know how not on that is. I have kids here, kids of an impressionable age and they were lied to, told they were going out to buy wine (of which we have by the gallon here) when they were really out to go buy drugs for this ‘friend’. My head is just spinning when I am being told I need to allow time for Nick to make adjustments, he can’t just change overnight; it’s the life he is used to. Well, maybe, but then I can’t just make adjustments to finding out my boyfriend is visiting drug dealers instead of doing what he promised to do. I actually do love him but we have such a way to go still and I am not sure I am strong enough to make that sort of effort. I really don’t need to have yet another kid in this house that does not take responsibility for themselves. The washing up was meant to be done this evening but it wasn’t. Nick was tired so went to bed; I was tired but did the washing up anyway as it needed to be done. I still need to get a bag packed for Zoey and I just don’t have the time … I will find time in the morning. I also have to see the doctor tomorrow which I am convinced will be a waste of time and then I have a really heavy session with my advocate ahead of yet another meeting with social services this week..

I have just noticed I have the address of a drug dealer written on my notepad. In fact, looking at my desk it is near impossible to see my own stuff as it is a tip with papers everywhere. This is so not helping my stress levels.

Hopefully my next posting will be one where I retract most of what I have written or at least more upbeat … in a nutshell, I am not ecstatically happy like perhaps I should be with a new boyfriend … but then, losing my best friend is not helping. I need some serious looking after and it isn’t happening.

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