Fuzz Mind Day

Today was Tony’s funeral and much of it has blurred by. It has all seemed so surreal, like none of it was happening, I didn’t want it to be, and that is for certain.

I was doing fine chatting until we headed off for the church and the vicar had parked his red Volvo out front. I so do not like religion.

Waiting outside many introductions were happening, some by me yet I didn’t really notice them, I was away somewhere else in a place where others didn’t really figure.

The day was wonderful, for October it was amazing.

I sat a little way back from the front of the church, it really didn’t matter when it came to it, I needed to be alone anyway and I have no idea who I was standing next to.

Just about as soon as I got settled the realisation that Tony would soon come in hit me. I tried to stay strong, just for a bit but it was never gonna happen. When they walked by me carrying him, the floodgates opened. I actually didn’t stop crying much throughout though there was a brief period when I stopped to feel real anger toward the vicar for going on about God and Jesus and forgetting this man called Tony that we were really interested in.

I was pleased that I could see Pete, I really love Pete, I would have been the same if this day had been for him, there are some people, some very few people that I am just so close to it hurts. Danny walked with me outside, I am so glad he did, I would not have walked on my own, I’d have stayed on a bench alone. Danny insisted that I joined him in throwing a flower into the grave.

I just am so amazed at how many people there were there getting on so well. It was a shame there was a them and us kind of atmosphere but then, Tony preferred to keep the two sides separate most of the time and I was everso privileged to have been invited along a few times and had the chance to meet Trish and Charles before but sadly none of the rest and it was only bangor that I met today and obviously she had no idea who I was and probably cared less.

Meeting tomorrow at 10am for me to prove I am a safe parent.

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