I travelled up to Sheffield with Robin today to see Mary and Sue and they are lovely, exactly my sort of nutters. I found it a little awkward having to tell them that I could not promise to go to Florida with them next October; they seemed to be certain I was going along with them. The fact it, there are too many things I just don’t know the answers to. I don’t know when Jermaine will go full time residential, I don’t know if I will be in college, work or at home. I don’t know how this arthritis (if that’s what it is) is going to affect me because it seems to get a little worse daily. I also have no idea how much money I will have to spend on anything as bold as a Florida holiday. I mean, if anyone can find the money it’s me but it’s by no means certain. I don’t know how well my friendship with Martyn will hold up either. He knows how I feel which may have been a mistake on my part so I half expect at any moment he will go into severe freaked out mode and that’ll be that. For my part, I don’t want or need to add any pressure to him, I would rather wait and see what, if anything, happens in the future and if we end up as just very good friends, that’s cool. So, I am thinking, yes, I would like to do Gran Canaria with Martyn in May and also Florida with him in October but ideally a villa of our own, I am not sure Mary and Sue would be overly keen about us skinnydipping in the pool though I am sure we’d get no complaints from Robin!

What I am finding really scary is that I am thinking to myself that, well, I have almost resigned myself to the possible fact that I may well be not long for the world of the fit and healthy. It worries me that I can be thinking that way as it certainly isn’t the way I want my life to go. The worrying aspect of that is that I would not feel right being around healthy people if I became incapable of doing stuff. Why put their life on hold. I know how I feel about the past decade or so of my life. Clearly I love my son but, on the other hand, I find myself wishing I’d had a normal life without all the caring. I am just not sure I want to put anyone else through that, I saw what it did to Nick and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Naturally enough, I don’t want that to happen to me either so I am hoping that whatever it is that is currently wrong with me turns out to be some sort of glitch and not serious. I guess this is just a huge period of uncertainty for me and … not nice.

I travelled up to Sheffield with Robin today to see Mary and Sue and they are lovely, exactly my sort of nutters. I found it a little awkward having to tell them that I could not promise to go to Florida with them next October; they seemed to be certain I was going along with them. The fact it, there are too many things I just don’t know the answers to. I don’t know when Jermaine will go full time residential, I don’t know if I will be in college, work or at home. I don’t know how this arthritis (if that’s what it is) is going to affect me because it seems to get a little worse daily. I also have no idea how much money I will have to spend on anything as bold as a Florida holiday. I mean, if anyone can find the money it’s me but it’s by no means certain. I don’t know how well my friendship with Martyn will hold up either. He knows how I feel which may have been a mistake on my part so I half expect at any moment he will go into severe freaked out mode and that’ll be that. For my part, I don’t want or need to add any pressure to him, I would rather wait and see what, if anything, happens in the future and if we end up as just very good friends, that’s cool. So, I am thinking, yes, I would like to do Gran Canaria with Martyn in May and also Florida with him in October but ideally a villa of our own, I am not sure Mary and Sue would be overly keen about us skinnydipping in the pool though I am sure we’d get no complaints from Robin!

What I am finding really scary is that I am thinking to myself that, well, I have almost resigned myself to the possible fact that I may well be not long for the world of the fit and healthy. It worries me that I can be thinking that way as it certainly isn’t the way I want my life to go. The worrying aspect of that is that I would not feel right being around healthy people if I became incapable of doing stuff. Why put their life on hold. I know how I feel about the past decade or so of my life. Clearly I love my son but, on the other hand, I find myself wishing I’d had a normal life without all the caring. I am just not sure I want to put anyone else through that, I saw what it did to Nick and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Naturally enough, I don’t want that to happen to me either so I am hoping that whatever it is that is currently wrong with me turns out to be some sort of glitch and not serious. I guess this is just a huge period of uncertainty for me and … not nice.

We have some heavy snow here and … some sunshine. Do we get some sort of weird rainbow?

The temperature is currently just above freezing so it is settling but I suspect it will be all but gone by tomorrow if it lasts that long. My only real concern is that the roads are clear enough later to get Jermaine back into respite as I don’t have time tomorrow to do it really. I hope too that the roads are clear tomorrow as Robin and I are meant to be headed off north to be socialable.

I am still not really sleeping. I suspect it is the joints causing me grief but when I am aware I am awake at night I also get the feeling that I have been laying there like that for some time, more resting than sleeping and it is not doing me any good. I am having trouble concentrating, simple things like adding up I am having trouble with and it’s a little scary. After the holidays I shall go see the doctor again and see if I can’t get something to make sure I sleep and see if that makes a difference. I have had to stop the pain killers as I suspect that are affecting my stomach. I keep getting tummy pain and the only contstant on my intake is the pain killers so it has to be them. I will only know by not taking them for a few days.

What I am wondering is if the doctors are open today? If not I am in trouble as I places a repeat prescription in there for Jermaine last week and he does need to have that taken with him to respite. As long as they have it they can get the medication so it doesn’t really matter whether or not there is a pharmacy open.

Now, should I walk there, this is the question? I am a little nervous, no pain killers means that excersise will hurt more but then, the car sliding off into a bus will hurt even more so I guess I answered my own question!

We have some heavy snow here and … some sunshine. Do we get some sort of weird rainbow?

The temperature is currently just above freezing so it is settling but I suspect it will be all but gone by tomorrow if it lasts that long. My only real concern is that the roads are clear enough later to get Jermaine back into respite as I don’t have time tomorrow to do it really. I hope too that the roads are clear tomorrow as Robin and I are meant to be headed off north to be socialable.

I am still not really sleeping. I suspect it is the joints causing me grief but when I am aware I am awake at night I also get the feeling that I have been laying there like that for some time, more resting than sleeping and it is not doing me any good. I am having trouble concentrating, simple things like adding up I am having trouble with and it’s a little scary. After the holidays I shall go see the doctor again and see if I can’t get something to make sure I sleep and see if that makes a difference. I have had to stop the pain killers as I suspect that are affecting my stomach. I keep getting tummy pain and the only contstant on my intake is the pain killers so it has to be them. I will only know by not taking them for a few days.

What I am wondering is if the doctors are open today? If not I am in trouble as I places a repeat prescription in there for Jermaine last week and he does need to have that taken with him to respite. As long as they have it they can get the medication so it doesn’t really matter whether or not there is a pharmacy open.

Now, should I walk there, this is the question? I am a little nervous, no pain killers means that excersise will hurt more but then, the car sliding off into a bus will hurt even more so I guess I answered my own question!