Warning, heavy stuff but I am not about to top myself

Late yesterday morning I started to get a little tickle of a cough, nothing else, just that, nothing to worry about.

The previous night, that’s be Sunday, Matt did me some Gin & Tonics but it was not until my head started really spinning I realised how strong they were, I went from being mildly tipsy to really rather pissed. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too clever when I woke up at 8:00 on Monday morning. I also had not gone to bed until something like 3am so too much booze and not enough sleep.

I took myself off to Tesco for lunch, I had no idea why, I didn’t need to go to Tesco but there I was and I was aware I was not thinking rationally. Later on in the day I visited the GUM clinic, my throat started to tickle again so I needed some water. Had all my checks, two weeks to wait for the result.

By 9pm I had made my mind up that a bedtime prior to midnight was on the cards and so I went upstairs at 11 but realised quickly I was feeling way worse than just tired. I couldn’t get warm; my feet were really hurting they were so cold. I lay there awake, I said goodnight to Martyn and reached over to give him a cuddle … sod this, get a grip Steve. No one is here with you, you are on your own and I suddenly got very scared, felt very small and lonely. I reached over and put on my comfort light, the one Tony got me, I feel like he’s there when I turn that on. I got up, got warm things on and came downstairs, took some paracetemol and here I am, waiting for them to work and waiting for me to get out of panic mode …. I do hate this feeling.

I guess this proves my point, going to bed early is pointless because I have not gained anything, just stressed myself out. I think tonight brought it to a head for me though why I go to bed late. As long as I am up doing something I don’t feel alone, there is someone to talk to, something to read, and something to watch. In bed, unless I am really tired, I think, I think too much and right now I don’t have the answers. I shall do but not yet.

Something huge is worrying me too … this is not unique to me, parents the world over have this. It has just dawned on me that pretty soon the kids won’t need me. Sure, they will need me but they won’t depend on me, the role I have had for 19 years is ebbing away and there is nothing I can do about it. The other night, Saturday night, Daisy threatened to go live with her mum, she meant it to and Kris had things planned, it was all going to happen. I managed to stop it but that was so frightening. I mean, Matt could go any time, he’s 18 shortly. Daisy to Kris and Jermaine leaving likes rats from a ship. They are each growing up, not babies any more. I look at pictures of them when they were little and it’s really upsetting, my little babies all gone. OK, just cried my eyes out. Look, you don’t need to read this, I am sorry, please don’t get upset but I do need to write it. I feel a little better now and the tablets are starting to work too. Things will seem better when it’s light, they always do.

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