I found out earlier on today that this could now be about to happen.

A date of March 2nd has been arranged for Jermaine to go to the Chalfont Centre initially for an assessment of at least 4 weeks but up to 8 and then he just may never come home again.

This is particularly difficult because as per usual, I can deal with a certainty, it is all up in the air. My idea was that he went for a brief assessment and then came home whilst we prepared him and us and then went back again for good a few weeks later in a big move with all his things and we’d all be ready. This just doesn’t feel right, it’s like he is on remand and we have no idea until the court case what is happening.

Needless to say I feel weird, I don’t really know how to feel. It is a kind of grief but underlying that is a need to feel relieved that I can’t do. That was part of my vision of what would happen, a great deal of upset that he has gone but also relief that we can finally be a ‘normal’ family again. I just don’t think I like this idea at all and will need to do a lot of thinking and talking to get my head around it.

… and in other news … the kids start half term today, seems barely a week since they went back to school but here we are again and on Friday I have to go pick up Jermaine from respite for what is possibly his last stay here and I feel so terribly guilty about that. OK, dropped back again into the same subject there.

Met Nick for lunch, he was quite impressed by my wearing of lycra tops again and I am very proud of myself too. I keep seeing myself in the mirror and it is so good to look like me again. I did make the mistake of having a couple of biscuits for lunch so now I have to try and get myself hungry enough to have dinner, worse yet, I am supposed to be cooking it or buying it.

What I like about my weight loss is it is all about me. I took an illness, a bad situation and turned it to my advantage and with quite a lot of effort I look good again, look healthy and feel better. This is the first time I have done this on my own without anyone to encourage me without anyone to compete with, no challenge to lose weight by a certain date or a holiday, just me wanting to do this for me and it’s quite an achievement.