A relaxing weekend

Gonna take my laptop with me so I may update the blog or I may not undecided at this stage,

Just read Martyn’s blog and it really upset me, I thought we’d sorted all that stuff about controlling things what with me trying to explain how I am not really, I am more just voicing my thoughts, everything I say can be challenged and when I make a suggestion, and that is all it is, I am looking for a better one, it’s a starting block not a decision. As I am so flippin’ pissed off about my control freak image I really need Martyn to understand the real me, to know that sometimes I come across wrong but that he needs to question me on it rather than bottling things up and getting angry inside about it. It hurts because it feels like I am being blamed for something I didn’t do like if I’d accidentally bashed into someone yet they believed I’d taken a swipe at them, less still from a person that should know I’d do nothing to hurt or upset them. My point being, I have feelings too and I need to be as much understood and have allowances for me as Martyn does and I do try so hard not to make it sound like anything I do or say is one-upmanship or controlling.

As for Gran Canaria, as it happens it never crossed my mind that I was Martyn’s guest, I really thought it was an equal holiday where we just decided together what we wanted to do whether it was together, he went off or I did, we’d kinda just sort that out when we were there. But, I am happy to be the ‘guest’ … hell, I need a break so much I am happy to be told exactly what we are doing at any one given moment! As for Florida, I’d want Martyn to fully participate because I have already been there so I have done stuff already, I don’t mind missing some things out if Martyn would rather do something else. I’d be hoping Martyn looks into it beforehand and decides what he may like to do (or not) and I can certainly help as to how viable something may be having already done it.

In short, I do just need to be able to relax around Martyn and have him put in the same amount of effort as me and I think that just means communicating more as most if not all our difference can be explained by misunderstandings on both sides.

With Gran Canaria I only have one thing I would have real difficult with and that would be if Martyn was to start fooling around with some other guy in front of me. It doesn’t really bother me if he wants to go off and have some fun if that’s what he wants to do but no, I don’t think I’d like to watch as that would make me feel very lonely and excluded. Apart from that though, and we already agree it I think, I don’t have any must do’s on the holiday other than to have some fun

For the record again and to totally clear these silly thoughts from my mind (the purpose of this blog) I would never do anything to knowingly upset anyone least of all someone I think as much of as Martyn.

Okies, that sorted then, I may be able to get some sleep now!

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