You Bloody Idiot

I had a really enjoyable time in Meltham with Stan and Pete, even that walk against the wind up the pub on Saturday evening in a blizzard was fun.

On the way there I thought it’d be fun to take some pictures of the car in the snow. I had not realised just how windy it was, I seriously thought my door was stuck when I tried to open it but it was just being pressurised by the forces outside. I am lucky really the wind had not been behind me else the door would have been ripped off.

On the way back on Sunday I paid a visit to Sue in Sheffield. I like Sue and she is a great conversationalist. The journey was not without incident as the satnav kept failing and crashing and just became useless. I eventually tracked the problem down to the loudspeaker connection for the mount and once I’d removed that it was stable and guided me well to Sue’s door.

I am really happy to report that the steroid injection I had last week as helped ease my pain. I still have the pain but it is not restricting me anymore, it’s a shame that it will most likely go back to how it was again in a few weeks.

This morning I awoke with a sudden realisation that once again I was being a control freak arsehole! On top of that was being a hypocrite and lying to myself as well. I had made it clear to Martyn “don’t worry about my feelings for you, they are my problem” and “I know I am a control freak and I hate it and I don’t want to do it” and this is the reality:

“OK, I will allow you to go out and have some fun if you want but don’t tell me about it, don’t snog a guy in front of me, don’t even let me think you are seeing anyone else, don’t do what you want to do because it will upset me and I can’t allow that!”

I mean, what a complete and total idiot I am. I am mostly annoyed with myself for not noticing what I was doing sooner. I felt there was something not right about the situation but couldn’t work out what and that’s it. I was controlling the situation and making it Martyn’s problem.

So, what I can do now is apologise to Martyn and suggest he just ignore me and do what he feels he wants to do as he probably should be doing and certainly what he has the right to be doing. What I don’t have the right to do is to be told he wants to be single and then manipulate a situation to make it look like he is my boyfriend … shame on me …. I need a slapped bottom so please form an orderly queue.

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