My general mood is wavering between mildly miserable to deeply depressed. I appreciate that my thoughts right now may not be entirely rational.

The physical effects have been that I have found myself really lacking in concentration some of the time. That has meant that sometimes I come out with total nonsense because I just can’t get words out or, worse, I can’t think of what I want to say. At other times I am typing and just can’t get anything right, I have had to type some things letter by letter watching what I have been doing yet, at other times; I have been touch typing like I always did.

I feel sorry for myself, I am feeling used, abused and disrespected.

In no particular order … London to Bristol does not cost £10 in petrol, it is over 200 miles round trip and my car does, at best, 30mpg and with a gallon at something like £4 these days it would be at least £14 and that is working on the assumption that I get 30mpg and that is totally ignoring the cost of getting to London and back. Like I said, no particular order for any of this. I am also not going to apologise because I need to say it in print else it’ll eat me up. The kids not respecting me. They ask a question and if I don’t give the answer they like then they keep asking and questioning and demanding and it drives me nuts. I so much want to avoid the violence that my dad did to me but it is increasingly difficult when so little else seems to work. Telling them over and over to be careful with my laptop, not to leave it on the floor, watch what they are doing and still it got broken. They don’t do their chores unless they are reminded; they begrudge doing them and then ask for more and more and expect it too. Matt showing me up in front of my ex in laws by saying how I had ruined his dinner because I decided to wait until he got home from work and we could eat it together. Little did I know he’d invited his girlfriend too. The other day he asked me to pick him up from the other side of the A5. I got there exactly when I said I would yet waited for nearly 20 minutes outside the house until he telephoned me and complained I had not knocked to let him know I was outside. The care home where Jermaine is won’t let me spend any time with him. On both occasions I have been there they have just wanted to ask questions, there has always been this threat that they will drop in again and ask more questions and I want to spend some private time with my son. Speaking of my son, Matt is 18 at the end of the month yet on the day of his birthday I have to get out of the house early afternoon on the Friday and not come back until the Sunday. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to celebrate his 18th with his dad, I am only needed to do the shopping for him, but the booze and worry myself stupid about the house and that hurts like hell. When guys have sex with me, apart from one or two, they don’t give a shit about me. I had sex with someone the other day – not Martyn – and the guy let me wank him off and that was it, he was off to have a shower to get rid of the sticky stuff. I have demands on my money left right and centre and I am only on benefits for heavens sake, I am not Bill Gates. The kids still ignore my hearing problem and mumble, it is so frustrating. The pain is starting to return in my knees sooner than I thought it would. My throat is just annoying because I feel constantly like my throat is blocked and my voice often sounds stupid. I have no idea if this one is benign like the last one or not and it worries the hell out of me.

I know I am depressed because I am tired all the time; I want to stay in bed and go back to bed. I am glad that tomorrow I am seeing the counsellor.

This is not meant to annoy anyone or many anyone angry, it is just how I am feeling and I can’t, like I said before, apologise for it. This is about me for once, I don’t want to hear anyone sulking about it and thinking about how they feel because that is another problem, I am always worrying about how others feel and I will go out of my way making every effort to make things OK, help them to feel better and all the time hardly anyone gives a shit about me. If anyone even considers falling out with me over this then they could never have been friends at all because they’d know this is me calling out for help and understanding, it is more about my ability to carry on coping than expecting anyone else to change.

Now, hopefully after writing this and seeing the woman tomorrow, I shall start to feel a lot better. I need TLC, bright lights, sunshine and hugs.

Thanks to those friends of mine that really know me.