Month: March 2006

I was hoping that when Jermaine went residential that my life would change for the better, I would be able to relax and enjoy myself more but I should know better.

It seems that I have to still be doing stuff, sorting things out, looking out for his welfare. I stupidly forgot to make a claim for him to get benefits in his own right when he was 19, that is over £500 I have lost. The advice I got regarding the DLA was also wrong. I was told that once he left I kept the payments for 12 weeks. When I say ‘I’ what is meant there is that I act for Jermaine so the money does come to me. The false information means a loss of a further £823. The Chalfont also got money out of me under what could be a false pretence and that is another £360. In all that means I have lost around £1700 that I thought I would have for this coming year plus being £200+ a week worse off now Jermaine is gone anyway it has made a huge difference to what I can do and how I do it. It is looking increasingly as though I won’t be able to go to Florida after all in October and I was really counting on that holiday as that place has just about everything I can want from a holiday destination and totally no stress and no having to worry about what anyone else is thinking.

There was a time when I managed to find a work around for such problems but I just can’t see it as things are. I just seem to be having more money out than I do coming in. The worse aspect is that 2007 promises to see an even great loss of revenue and a fight on my hands. I cannot see that Zoey will easily get DLA again but then, she is also not able to be left on her own so that I can get a job. If she does get DLA it will be at a much reduced rate making coping with stuff even more stressful and Matt still has this attitude that I am the one that is supposed to support him through college and Uni and I just can’t do it. It’s like I had mega pressure when Jermaine was here but a financial buffer but now have slightly reduced pressure but with the money being taken away, my safety net is slipping and it dead scary.

Martyn has decided not to do Florida, probably academic under the circumstances but I know if I can find the cash I will have just as good a time with Robin and the girls as long as I have my own wheels. The only problem as I see it is that they will have money to do what they want and I won’t. It may be cheaper for me to find somewhere cheap to stay so I really don’t feel obligated to try to ‘keep up’ financially with them or have any awkward moments concerning money.

Am finding it very difficult to get motivated just now. I really don’t feel like doing anything except spend loads of money and eat copious amounts of food. Both these things would ultimately make me all the more miserable. I suspect I know what I am missing but as they don’t sell it at Tesco I shall have to go without for a while longer

I was hoping that when Jermaine went residential that my life would change for the better, I would be able to relax and enjoy myself more but I should know better.

It seems that I have to still be doing stuff, sorting things out, looking out for his welfare. I stupidly forgot to make a claim for him to get benefits in his own right when he was 19, that is over £500 I have lost. The advice I got regarding the DLA was also wrong. I was told that once he left I kept the payments for 12 weeks. When I say ‘I’ what is meant there is that I act for Jermaine so the money does come to me. The false information means a loss of a further £823. The Chalfont also got money out of me under what could be a false pretence and that is another £360. In all that means I have lost around £1700 that I thought I would have for this coming year plus being £200+ a week worse off now Jermaine is gone anyway it has made a huge difference to what I can do and how I do it. It is looking increasingly as though I won’t be able to go to Florida after all in October and I was really counting on that holiday as that place has just about everything I can want from a holiday destination and totally no stress and no having to worry about what anyone else is thinking.

There was a time when I managed to find a work around for such problems but I just can’t see it as things are. I just seem to be having more money out than I do coming in. The worse aspect is that 2007 promises to see an even great loss of revenue and a fight on my hands. I cannot see that Zoey will easily get DLA again but then, she is also not able to be left on her own so that I can get a job. If she does get DLA it will be at a much reduced rate making coping with stuff even more stressful and Matt still has this attitude that I am the one that is supposed to support him through college and Uni and I just can’t do it. It’s like I had mega pressure when Jermaine was here but a financial buffer but now have slightly reduced pressure but with the money being taken away, my safety net is slipping and it dead scary.

Martyn has decided not to do Florida, probably academic under the circumstances but I know if I can find the cash I will have just as good a time with Robin and the girls as long as I have my own wheels. The only problem as I see it is that they will have money to do what they want and I won’t. It may be cheaper for me to find somewhere cheap to stay so I really don’t feel obligated to try to ‘keep up’ financially with them or have any awkward moments concerning money.

Am finding it very difficult to get motivated just now. I really don’t feel like doing anything except spend loads of money and eat copious amounts of food. Both these things would ultimately make me all the more miserable. I suspect I know what I am missing but as they don’t sell it at Tesco I shall have to go without for a while longer

Isn’t that really what life is about? Once all the cynicisms are stripped away, all the mistrust, the doubt and the fear of what we don’t understand, the aim has to be for Unquestioning Love?

Well, it is for me and I guess that is partly the theme of today when I had my first counselling session. It is not the first time I have heard someone say so but it is the first I have believed anyone. She told me I had done and am doing an amazing thing, that I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and carrying it comparatively alone. I chose to be a dad and remain a dad when most would have taken the easy option and lived the gay life leaving the mother to cope. I have given up a lot for that choice, my freedom, my ability to have true freedom, to love another, to be loved. She said I should be proud of me, hold my head up high and show myself off but, well, it is early days and I cannot see myself feeling that or doing that for some time to come if ever. Part of that is just because right now I don’t see any gain in it. If I accept I am this wonderful person what does that gain me? I feel like a character from the Wizard of Oz and in need of some symbol of my achievements that other guys, even gay guys will see and say “Bloody hell, well done mate” and it means something to them, they somehow value me more but, I can’t see that happen so what use is it?

On the way back and feeling a little emotional I had the radio on and they were discussing a poem and a hymn, one of the ones played at Tony’s funeral and one of his favourites. It made me cry, I just wanted to be hugged by him in those big arms of his and be told it was all OK.

I am not happy with the Chalfont Centre, they have been proving to me that they show no consideration toward family and carers at all, it is really quite upsetting that all they want from me is answers to questions and money.

Martyn and I had a very good time at Ian & Richard’s this weekend. There was an issue that I thought may occur and I was not sure how I would deal with it despite what I had said. In the event, I was fine and it would have even been enjoyably memorable had I not been so utterly pissed.

If I am honest and, this is my blog so I have to be, I got too knackered with all the driving over the weekend it did spoil some of the enjoyment for me. Part of that was the desire to have some tender moments of one to one with Martyn whereas all I really seemed to do was sleep and I suspect, well, hope, that Martyn too was just as knackered. There were certainly times when I could have done with a lot of personal physical attention yet it was not going to happen. The trouble with all the driving is how much I was left aching, anything physical I did really did hurt but that’s me, I will always do what I am capable of doing until I am not capable any more. The weekend was good but just a bit of a blur and now it is over and I am feeling a little empty and unfulfilled and it isn’t really anyone to blame, just the way things happened.

Calais was great yesterday once we eventually got there and would have been better had customs not decided to ask loads of anal questions in Dover.

One special mention I want to make:

The one dog I ever found myself attached to died on Sunday after a short illness.

Gershwin was a very loveable bundle of fluff and always greeted me when I arrived and just stroking him often got me over some of my blues and he was so gentle. I know Robin will miss him terribly but I think it is important, even for a ‘dog’ that others also loved them and will miss them now they are gone. Gershwin, Unquestioning Love. Sleep well little fella.

Isn’t that really what life is about? Once all the cynicisms are stripped away, all the mistrust, the doubt and the fear of what we don’t understand, the aim has to be for Unquestioning Love?

Well, it is for me and I guess that is partly the theme of today when I had my first counselling session. It is not the first time I have heard someone say so but it is the first I have believed anyone. She told me I had done and am doing an amazing thing, that I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and carrying it comparatively alone. I chose to be a dad and remain a dad when most would have taken the easy option and lived the gay life leaving the mother to cope. I have given up a lot for that choice, my freedom, my ability to have true freedom, to love another, to be loved. She said I should be proud of me, hold my head up high and show myself off but, well, it is early days and I cannot see myself feeling that or doing that for some time to come if ever. Part of that is just because right now I don’t see any gain in it. If I accept I am this wonderful person what does that gain me? I feel like a character from the Wizard of Oz and in need of some symbol of my achievements that other guys, even gay guys will see and say “Bloody hell, well done mate” and it means something to them, they somehow value me more but, I can’t see that happen so what use is it?

On the way back and feeling a little emotional I had the radio on and they were discussing a poem and a hymn, one of the ones played at Tony’s funeral and one of his favourites. It made me cry, I just wanted to be hugged by him in those big arms of his and be told it was all OK.

I am not happy with the Chalfont Centre, they have been proving to me that they show no consideration toward family and carers at all, it is really quite upsetting that all they want from me is answers to questions and money.

Martyn and I had a very good time at Ian & Richard’s this weekend. There was an issue that I thought may occur and I was not sure how I would deal with it despite what I had said. In the event, I was fine and it would have even been enjoyably memorable had I not been so utterly pissed.

If I am honest and, this is my blog so I have to be, I got too knackered with all the driving over the weekend it did spoil some of the enjoyment for me. Part of that was the desire to have some tender moments of one to one with Martyn whereas all I really seemed to do was sleep and I suspect, well, hope, that Martyn too was just as knackered. There were certainly times when I could have done with a lot of personal physical attention yet it was not going to happen. The trouble with all the driving is how much I was left aching, anything physical I did really did hurt but that’s me, I will always do what I am capable of doing until I am not capable any more. The weekend was good but just a bit of a blur and now it is over and I am feeling a little empty and unfulfilled and it isn’t really anyone to blame, just the way things happened.

Calais was great yesterday once we eventually got there and would have been better had customs not decided to ask loads of anal questions in Dover.

One special mention I want to make:

The one dog I ever found myself attached to died on Sunday after a short illness.

Gershwin was a very loveable bundle of fluff and always greeted me when I arrived and just stroking him often got me over some of my blues and he was so gentle. I know Robin will miss him terribly but I think it is important, even for a ‘dog’ that others also loved them and will miss them now they are gone. Gershwin, Unquestioning Love. Sleep well little fella.