Dreams Hold the Answers?

In one of my many dreams it became apparent to me what is causing my current depressive state … if I could only have these dreams whilst awake I’d find life so much easier!

It turns out that I am actually very happy with what I have. I look around all the things I have in my life and it is good. I have great kids, I am proud of them and I know I had no small part to play in that. As some have told me, I have been some kind of hero to manage like I have, hold it all together and my kids are a testimony to my work.

Over the years I have had some amazing holidays, met some amazing people and I have some incredible friends.

Look at this house, a 5 bedroom place with a huge garden. A great TV, loads of TV channels, audio equipment, PC’s all over the place on a wireless fast broadband connection. My bedroom is just so comfy, everything in there I like.

Cars, I have a history of having some really cool cars.

I have this talking piece of a gadget in my PDA, what an amazing bit of kit that is.

So why am I depressed? I have everything that I ever dreamt of having as a kid and more than that. I have achieved far more than my expectations, I am, in short, a success. The problem is, I have reached my ambition, my pinnacle and once there, where else to go? I cannot sustain most of what I have. The kids are going to leave as they should and I am effectively redundant as a man in his 40’s. I have no idea of what job to do and even if I did, my current lifestyle expenditure is at least £16,000 a year which means getting a job paying something like £24,000 just to stand still, what are the chances of that in Northampton? For the sort of money I may be able to get I have to trim something like £100 of my weekly expenditure and that is some huge amount of trimming. To be honest, that doesn’t start to cover things … you see, I am also used to not paying rent and council tax. Add those into the equation and my yearly spend is £22,000 which means a salary of something stupid like £33,000 to just stay where I am. I am so not going to get that or anything like it so something has to go. On a quick adding up and taking away exercise I reckon I can trim it down to £14,000 outgoings but only if I have my loan repaid which has another 3 ½ years to run. But, even working that out in my head that means I need a job paying £21,000. I could get a lodger in, the good element of that is that it will earn me something around £5,000 per annum which is then doable. Do I really want to take such a downturn in fortunes? Well, no, of course not. As a person gets older they like to think that their lifestyle is maintained or improves and doesn’t get continually worse.

I keep trying to tell myself that it is only ‘stuff’ but that ‘stuff’ becomes ever so important when a guy doesn’t have anyone to share life with. With the right partner in life we can have very little and still be happy but on our own some creature comforts become all the more important.

This is why I am depressed because quite simply I have everything I ever wanted already and the only way to go from this point is down unless I pull off an amazing reinvention of myself and I don’t know that I have the energy to do that. Just writing this though I am feeling that a change is imminent. That if it is all going to get screwed up that I do need to allow my control freak attitude on life to kick in for damage limitation. The sooner I start work the better and I have to convince myself that I am not a kid anymore. The level of respect I will get from an employer is far greater now than it ever was before and there is a very real chance of making myself known, getting those promotions, making it to the sort of wage I need to fulfil what are becoming a new set of dreams for this second stage of my life. It’s is just so terribly scary though because I have no idea what to expect, I have to make this happen using all the skills I have learnt over the years. Hmm, can I do this … probably.

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