Month: April 2006

Borrowed some rubber from Ian & Richard, hope Martyn likes it as I am going to need some help getting into it and, more important, out again! (maybe pictures to follow)

Matt sent me a text on the way home. Earlier he has asked if one of his guy friends could stay over and I got quite excited, it was to be the first time he got anyone here, I am totally convinced he is ashamed of showing me off to any of his male friends. The girls are OK as clearly I am no threat but somehow I feel he this is not the case with the guys. Anyway, I got another text to say that he will probably stay at this friend’s house instead. It shouldn’t feel like rejection but it so does.

The house was a complete tip when I got home, nothing had been done since I left yesterday, I couldn’t even get anyone to make me a tea, they all have their own stuff to do, I don’t figure in it.

Visited Jermaine on the way home from Twickenham and all I could do was feel I should bring him home with me. He looked so sad and pathetic, not one smile at all and he was so drowsy as well, it was like it didn’t matter in the slightest whether I was there or not. His room stank of pee, his toilet needed cleaning, all his toys were in one of the lounge area, no one had put a video on for him to watch. It seemed to be like he was effectively banned from his room during the day and when I found him he was sitting totally bored in one of the lounge areas with nothing to do, no television on, no toys, no one but one of the other clients and a parent/relative. It was all just too upsetting and I could barely manage to stop for an hour.

So, I am feeling really quite low now after an initial high. Yesterday I cried as I drove past the A412 junction of the M25 which heads for where Jermaine is but I suspected I would feel crap after a visit so deferred it until today, it was the right thing to do.

I so need to feel close to someone that loves me and in an intimate way too but there isn’t anyone right now, I just feel quite lonely and rejected, useless even. Obviously I will pull out of it but right now it is not good. I just can’t convince myself everything is OK all the time when clearly it isn’t. I know what the cures are but they are unattainable. Life can be a right bitch at times.

Borrowed some rubber from Ian & Richard, hope Martyn likes it as I am going to need some help getting into it and, more important, out again! (maybe pictures to follow)

Matt sent me a text on the way home. Earlier he has asked if one of his guy friends could stay over and I got quite excited, it was to be the first time he got anyone here, I am totally convinced he is ashamed of showing me off to any of his male friends. The girls are OK as clearly I am no threat but somehow I feel he this is not the case with the guys. Anyway, I got another text to say that he will probably stay at this friend’s house instead. It shouldn’t feel like rejection but it so does.

The house was a complete tip when I got home, nothing had been done since I left yesterday, I couldn’t even get anyone to make me a tea, they all have their own stuff to do, I don’t figure in it.

Visited Jermaine on the way home from Twickenham and all I could do was feel I should bring him home with me. He looked so sad and pathetic, not one smile at all and he was so drowsy as well, it was like it didn’t matter in the slightest whether I was there or not. His room stank of pee, his toilet needed cleaning, all his toys were in one of the lounge area, no one had put a video on for him to watch. It seemed to be like he was effectively banned from his room during the day and when I found him he was sitting totally bored in one of the lounge areas with nothing to do, no television on, no toys, no one but one of the other clients and a parent/relative. It was all just too upsetting and I could barely manage to stop for an hour.

So, I am feeling really quite low now after an initial high. Yesterday I cried as I drove past the A412 junction of the M25 which heads for where Jermaine is but I suspected I would feel crap after a visit so deferred it until today, it was the right thing to do.

I so need to feel close to someone that loves me and in an intimate way too but there isn’t anyone right now, I just feel quite lonely and rejected, useless even. Obviously I will pull out of it but right now it is not good. I just can’t convince myself everything is OK all the time when clearly it isn’t. I know what the cures are but they are unattainable. Life can be a right bitch at times.

The level of debt I am currently in is scary. I hate debt and yet I seem to have so much of it and one crap decision from a faceless bureaucrat could bring it all tumbling down on me.

Thankfully, more than two thirds of it is money owed to me so I don’t have to find it myself, that is £1900+. Of course, that may be owed to me but those that owe it will need time to repay it and in the meantime, for the first time in ages, I am going to have to pick up some hefty interest charges on my credit card bill. One of the most upsetting aspects is that all my reserve money has gone. If someone I know needs anything I don’t have it to give anymore.

My weight has remained constant but my belly seems to have grown again so I guess I need to work more on the abs, very annoying is that and, to be honest, I have never had a great body, it always looks like a cut and shunt job to me whereby the legs and the rest of me don’t match and the join is crap too with my arse and legs further back than my top half … I really hate my body.

Driving the huge Citroen van yesterday was quite fun, I have never driven anything so high up before and it was weird looking down on all the other cars. It was just the right size for all the junk we needed to get rid off. Actually, it wouldn’t have been but some neighbours took some of the bulkier items the night before so we had less to transport. The weird part was getting used to having my automatic back again!

I am not sure about this new image I have but will stick with it for now, it certainly seems to get me several glances when walking down the street accompanied by smiles so it probably does work.

Matt has just about finished his room so I am hoping that he and Jonny can get started on my lounge next weekend. I can’t furnish it until next month because of the lead time on the furniture I have ordered but I can get it carpeted, have a TV in there and generally just be ready and waiting for the sofa bed when it arrives.

I am going green with some snazzy touches, a white or cream carpet and light wood units. The sofa is beige but looks more off white to me and is an amazing thing the way it converts to a bed, has to be seen! I wonder who will be the first to use it?

I got a really nice compliment on Kagoul earlier from someone and it made my quite flushed. I don’t get genuine compliments often and it took me back some.

The level of debt I am currently in is scary. I hate debt and yet I seem to have so much of it and one crap decision from a faceless bureaucrat could bring it all tumbling down on me.

Thankfully, more than two thirds of it is money owed to me so I don’t have to find it myself, that is £1900+. Of course, that may be owed to me but those that owe it will need time to repay it and in the meantime, for the first time in ages, I am going to have to pick up some hefty interest charges on my credit card bill. One of the most upsetting aspects is that all my reserve money has gone. If someone I know needs anything I don’t have it to give anymore.

My weight has remained constant but my belly seems to have grown again so I guess I need to work more on the abs, very annoying is that and, to be honest, I have never had a great body, it always looks like a cut and shunt job to me whereby the legs and the rest of me don’t match and the join is crap too with my arse and legs further back than my top half … I really hate my body.

Driving the huge Citroen van yesterday was quite fun, I have never driven anything so high up before and it was weird looking down on all the other cars. It was just the right size for all the junk we needed to get rid off. Actually, it wouldn’t have been but some neighbours took some of the bulkier items the night before so we had less to transport. The weird part was getting used to having my automatic back again!

I am not sure about this new image I have but will stick with it for now, it certainly seems to get me several glances when walking down the street accompanied by smiles so it probably does work.

Matt has just about finished his room so I am hoping that he and Jonny can get started on my lounge next weekend. I can’t furnish it until next month because of the lead time on the furniture I have ordered but I can get it carpeted, have a TV in there and generally just be ready and waiting for the sofa bed when it arrives.

I am going green with some snazzy touches, a white or cream carpet and light wood units. The sofa is beige but looks more off white to me and is an amazing thing the way it converts to a bed, has to be seen! I wonder who will be the first to use it?

I got a really nice compliment on Kagoul earlier from someone and it made my quite flushed. I don’t get genuine compliments often and it took me back some.