Not the Only Poof in the Gatwick Village

Memoirs of a Gran Canaria Vacation

Gran Canaria is one of those places that was nothing (and some would say still is) and yet is now a bustling tourist resort for that all year round holiday experience …. Well, that’s what the brochures say but who believes what they read in a brochure … yes, most holidaymakers! The reality is, the island is extremely variable both in weather and how many people visit. It’s fair to say that a July or August visit is going to be very hot with unbroken sunshine and wall to wall families, screaming brats and yobs. The winter months, for those of us further north, will be reasonably busy but with the more affluent as prices sky rocket when the comparative temperatures between the UK and the Canaries is huge. That said, it is not to be assumed that one can have sunshine every day in February, that’s a choice of the good Lady Luck.

When I went was May, the heterosexual nightmare and gay paradise month. With the onset of the Gay Pride week, Gran Canaria is busier than at any other time of year with homosexuals from across the globe. The hetties stay away in droves with row upon row of deserted holiday accommodation and sunbeds.

The weather in May can be changeable. Being sub tropics Gran Canaria can have great weather all year but in May we are looking at changeable even from morning to afternoon. Not that it could be described as ‘cold’ at any time with temperatures rarely falling below 18C but certainly not balmy strip naked type weather. Lots of shirtless cute boys with goosebumps.

Oh, I get ahead of myself as this trip did not start in The Canaries but in sunny Gatwick … that was a joke by the way, it was raining and not particularly warm.

Well, this poof set off from home on Sunday afternoon Gatwick bound allowing a little time for the normal delays on the British motorways and, as is typical of the Law according to Lord Sod, there were none meaning I got to Gatwick airport way too early and had to park the car which cost nearly £4.00 for a little over 30 minutes which is how long it took for Martyn’s coach to arrive. That is to say, how long I had to wait for him, not how long it took him to get to Gatwick from Bristol!

Onto the guest house and then the pub which was a typical nearby airport establishment with assorted guests from all over the place. The Americans that just sat there thinking how quaint everything was, the German that looked like a British World War II pilot except for the ankle socks with his brown shoes and exactly 25p tip, he actually sat there and worked it out. Zer Chockens Avay!

It would be fair to say that I savoured the delights of the hostelry a little too much and upon return to the room I got out of bed and then promptly fell backward again striking my head very hard upon the bed. I swear I felt fine when I got up to pee but after that bump it was multi coloured sneezing for some considerable time. That Bitch, the Mistress Stella of Artois had struck again.

Our original flight has already been put back from 11:00 to 15:00 with a different company. Our sole reason for booking the guest house was to be in Gatwick early enough for the original flight. As it was, we had way too much time to kill.

The flight been altered to make a stop off in Manchester ‘on the way’. In total it was over 7 hours of sitting on that plane for a flight of a little under 4 hours. The company ‘XL’ did not help matters. I was fairly convinced that what had occurred was that our Gatwick flight had been cancelled because the aircraft developed a fault and the only spare they had was a 747. Now, that is a huge plane for such a passenger number so someone in XL management had a brainwave … ‘how about we cancel the Manchester flight too and then combine it with the Gatwick flight?

It was pure inspiration on the part of XL. For the price of some severe customer inconvenience they could save a small fortune.

Those of us waiting at Gatwick were really kept waiting. The problem with using the 747 is that it requires a much larger crew compliment so we had to wait for them to arrive from wherever they were. Once the doors of the plane were closed we were pushed back onto the taxiway ready for the short journey to the runway and then not a lot happened. The engines started and then stopped again. ‘I am sorry but we seem to have a warning light, our chappie says he can fix it but we need to go back to the gate first it’ll be about 10 minutes”.

Over half an hour later and we were ready to try again and this time we were off to Manchester, oh, joy. This is not to say there were not complaints, there certainly were but those complainants were silenced by the cabin crew telling of their heroic performance in turning up and how grateful everyone should be.

Up in Manchester was a similarly peeved passenger set. They had been given £3 to spend on refreshments much to their disgust. They were still complaining when they boarded the flight with us sitting there blissfully unaware that by now we had been aboard for well over an hour and at this point were further away from our destination than when we started.

There was another delay for yet another heroic crew to join us and then we were off without incident.

After many of the passengers had bought drinks and snacks the Captain announced that these would be complimentary so some got freebies and others did not. It took the second round of drinks much later in the flight and having to get up before any of the crew gave us some attention. Pressing the call button achieved nothing.

PR is certainly not one of XL’s strong points and even if it were and they may have tried to apologise, few could hear the announcement system as it was just too quiet.

As mentioned previously, the Gran Canarian weather is unpredictable and so it was on the very first day. Overcast and chilly in the morning and by afternoon it was bright sunshine. The following day was even worse with the clouds being consistent all day and the temperatures actually worse than those of the UK.

The accommodation hosted the holiday company’s pride party in the evening and it was a little less than perfect. The food was OK and ‘free’ but the drinks were short measures and overpriced at the bar. The entertainment started quite late and was Karaoke. This may not have been so bad had the sound system been OK but on leaving some poor guy was trying to sing to near non existent music whilst fighting with feedback. Oh dear … that was not the reason for leaving but could well have been were there not many others to choose from.

Let’s say a little about the accommodation, Los Almendros.

They are the higher end of the market consisting of small bungalow type buildings. I heard one older guy refer to them as ‘chalets’ Happy Camping!

Several are around the pool area with others in more secluded locations in the same small complex. Nude sunbathing is allowed and is enjoyably noticed. Only gay people can stay there except for very gay friendly straight people and maybe those that are just a bit poofie. Bacardi and Coke please Myfanwy. Speaking of drinks, they are very expensive at the Almendros. With a captive audience they can afford to charge silly prices. €3.30 for a pint is not cheap anywhere except maybe Stockholm!

All staff are friendly though once an effort has been made to speak to them.

Pub Nestor was holding their regular Wednesday night ‘Open the Box’ and as usual it did not start until late but it was already quite clear who at least one of the cute guys on the stage was going to be and he was very cute. I had all sort or visions about what I would like to do to him blissfully unaware of how our paths would soon cross.

It has to be said that I do enjoy being centre of attention but I didn’t account for what happened that evening. I was dragged (get it?) up on the stage by drag queen ‘Ricky Glass’ and subjected to some time of humiliation. She was one of those that love to get their laughs from making others look bad. I had the piss taken out of my hair, my glasses, my smell and my tits. The audience roared with laughter as she mentioned these things and went on to insinuate how I clear couldn’t have had sex in such a long while I must be o desperate… I am a good actor so no one knew how much that hurt. It was made worse as Martyn’s friend had joined us and been placed between Martyn and I and clearly had no interest in me at all. I spent some considerable time just being ignored whilst they chatted.

The only plus from this situation was the boy as mentioned earlier . Not sure how old he was but he was from Norwich as though that matters!

Anyway, it was thrust upon me to remove his jeans with my teeth, boy I had died and gone to heaven until … that bitch ‘Glass’ decided it would be way more fun to bring up a lesbian too to help in the fun. This was the lesbian from hell. She didn’t want to be there and boy did she make it clear. As soon as the Drag Queens back was turned she opened the second button down on the guys jeans and then turned to him and asked if they were now loose enough to drop off, he said they were. Les-bitch turned to me then and handed me my instructions:

“Let’s get this done quick and we can both sit down”

I tried to find a way of doing that button up again, I had plans for this ‘open the box’ postie and none of them included getting his jeans off quick and sitting down.

Alas, it was not to be and removed with haste they were.

I was left alone soon after that and not wanting to sit there getting bored I came back to the accommodation.

It’s a long while since I have had to deal with humiliation that I was not in control of. I mentioned that earlier on to Martyn that having people laugh with me was fun, laughing at me wasn’t, I so didn’t like it. I was just a kid again being bullied at school.

So, I took that long walk back and I cried; it hurt like hell.

Martyn returned later that night but I had gone into a deep sleep and he couldn’t wake me. The next morning he asked me what was wrong and after some explaining he gave me a huge hug and apologised for leaving me.

Bless him, he has never really experienced emotion before and is way out of his depth but still does amazingly well and hugs brilliantly.

What I really wish for is that should Martyn ever find he has tired of that lifestyle of sleeping around just for the relief with no attachment, that someone else will come along that loves him and he’ll be happy. Even more so, I hope he realises it when it happens. He’s terrible for not seeing his plus points and putting himself down … I sense one of those sagas involving differing but similar well used cooking vessels here!

Pride, what can I say … bloody brilliant! I was in prime position and had so many pictures taken it was unreal … that and several video shots as well, I was on top of the world in my little loaned rubber shorts and red boa.

‘___ing hell, is that the time … well, for those not here right now it is 02:22 and boy am I knackered. I had to all but force Martyn to go and do what he wanted to do at the Cellar Bar … the dumb thing is, and what I’ll probably never understand is that he could have come back here to the apartment and had great sex but no … in line with true poof tradition he is looking for the perfect 10 … well, wake up and smell the coffee. (I am justifiably proud of my ability not to be a bitter old faggot) When you got something that works and is great fun, why go shopping for shallow STD ridden sluts? Don’t get me wrong, each to his own but I am a logical person and it just makes no fucking sense to me buggrit!

That may sound very opinionated and that may possibly be because it is. ___ing hell, everything we say or think is opinionated; the issue is not with the opinion but with the understanding that conjured it up.

How can I say this? I have just spent a week with an incredibly sexy guy yet only once have I got to ‘that point’. I could accurately say ‘frustrated’ at this juncture without fear of contradiction! So, it may be better understood why, right now, I am a little miffed by anything that gives him the chance of getting his rocks off elsewhere leaving me alone in that wasteland of sexuality and dry riverbed of orgasmic flow. It would be fair to say that Martyn is like that prized item on EBay … I place my bid and I know it’s a good one but as soon as someone else see’s what’s on offer, I am beaten into second place and second place is the equivalent of last, a miss is as good as a pile.

So, right now, dark rooms, bitch’s of friends and probably sand dunes all have horns to me and should be banished to the darkest recesses of some other place or summat …. Buggrit!

C’mon, let’s get real here … I have done my fair share of sordid places and I have made my point of how my sordid place is less sordid that say … a back alley or the public loos but they are all the same and only the level of comfort and facility changes. That they are all meat factories replete with bugs and other nasties is a fact that cannot be ignored, that they scare the shit out of me also can’t be ignored. In short (and it wasn’t) I am a jealous little queen right now! I, of course, have my standards and as long as I know who I am having sex with I don’t give a shit who has been with before … see, I am just so much better than all the others … NOT!

Meanwhile … the weather outside is sunny and hot and I am in indoors, This may seem like the wrong place to be but I was starting to get a little too sizzled and I had open to me two choices … go for a swim in the pool or go and sit in an air conditioned apartment for a short while … the fact that you are reading this suggests I did the latter.

For a few days now I have been reading the 25^th DiscWorld Novel ‘The Truth’ and it is like an old friend. As usual, it is well written and often witty with some familiar characters and some fascinating new ones. Reading in bright sunshine can be quite tiring on the eyes though so a good break now and then is a positively good idea.

I was with Martyn earlier and it dawned on me that a ‘Man is worth More than the Sum of his Farts’.

We have a chav with us here, it is just so weird seeing all these camp as tits poofs and then a bling bling chav …

Maybe it takes a while to fully unwind but yesterday was magical. Very hot so sweating buckets but something close to pure bliss doing as little as possible and enjoying doing it. Come evening we had a magical walk along an all but deserted avenue except for the twittering of birds. Blue skies, a pleasant breeze, palms and cacti … sigh. This we followed with a Chinese meal which was excellent and some drinks at Pub Nestor, one of the more popular bars in the Yumbo. Slightly pissed I suggested a walk down by the sea shore as it was a near full moon, it just seemed so amazingly beautiful, and it was. I couldn’t resist and just had to walk down to the waters edge and dip my toe. Just standing there bathed in that moonlight, dragging myself away was so difficult. But drag I did and then had a long walk across the dunes back to the hotel that marks the start of civilisation again.

There are some moments that just cannot be described in any detail and that were one of them. There was nothing at all could have spoiled that for me. Except maybe a plague of locust or, a large meteor, a stray Moroccan, a … well, nothing did and that’s what matters!

Openeth thy box doth behold wonders of the bollox escapas variety with the added pleasures of the thong bird, shy but amazing when in full display during the breeding cycle. Sadly, the lesser sparkled drag was well past her prime and it may be that she shall soon lose her matriarchal position to be replaced by queen drag or ‘gay warbler’ as she is sometimes known.

The Nocturnal Homosexual Erectus & Deep Throated Pooftie were spotted on a night time foray onto the edge of the great savannah. A shy species, they hurriedly scurried off into the night.

Sitting around looking glamorous can be fun but after a while it can get a little boring so something different was called for and a nice long walk along the shoreline was chosen as the activity of the day. Thankfully, though it was very hot, there was also a breeze off the sea cooling us down nicely and once across the dunes the walk was flat and easy. The tide was way out making the ground easy to walk on rather than trudging through loose sand. There is only so much silliness by way of exercise a poof should do so we got a taxi back and resumed relaxation mode by the pool.

A visit to ‘La Belle’s’ is a must for anyone visiting Playa Del Ingles. It is the premier nightspot in the Yumbo Centre. Cute boys wearing not a lot that danced forcefully if not in time with the music! There was the ‘Kylie’ tribute segment which was mimed but done so very well and in ways that would have put the old days of ‘Top of the Pops’ to shame and she/he quite managed to look convincingly like Kylie too. The tribute to ‘Cabaret’ was spoilt by one of the boy dancers having a private joke with the other dancer that was off stage which ruined the otherwise very entertaining piece. One of the stars of the show was the dog used in the Judy Garland tribute. Shame it couldn’t sing as that could only have improved matters. There were few moments of humiliation comedy but one guy, Craig, a holiday rep was certainly used extensively and at one point rendered naked on stage. This he did for the price of a bottle of cheap sparkling wine … I so don’t think I would have gone there with that one but he looked cute and seemed to take it OK. ‘Some’ of the comedy one liners were fun but sadly, by the time they became two liners and three times liners they lost their humour and a lot of tightening up needs to be done to avoid that sort of careless repetition. All in, a good night out for the price of a drink and, on that note, they are probably the most expensive place to get a drink in the Yumbo with just a bottle of water costing €3.00 or about £2.00 which is excessive by anyone’s standards.

In days of old when nights were cold and long johns were in fashion

Disgruntled poofs, themselves up took

And to the sun they flew

Anal and oral and rimming and wanking

Fucking and fisting, felching and bareback

They didn’t have a clue

On their return, the clap they had, some say was richly deserved

No lessons learned, no warnings headed

To the sun, the sea and sex they returned.

The lazy nights, the long hot days the itching they ignored

Again each evening their butts were heaving

In and out, yet another, suck then off, fuck his brother

Boyfriends, girlfriends, left at home

To all the world they were alone.

But always looking, always hunting

My God he’s cute but look at him

I’ll have him next, stuff the condom, he must be safe, who gives a shit

Back at home they hear the news, I’m sorry sir, it isn’t good

It’s long gone now that time of freedom

Now it is tablets, cream, doctors’ nurses.

Any regrets, one or two, that guy they missed, the one the few

Their friends are visiting, those that are left

It’s lonely now, not long, no time, no future

Back then, the life, the shags, the boys, the …

So long ago, a life in nappies, no more callers, no sex, it’s over

Should it have been different, should precautions been taken?

Fuck it, it was fun, goodnight and goodbye.