I wish, at times, I didn’t have them.

In the time it takes to publish this entry I shall become 43 years old. That isn’t old and I could have a lot more birthdays yet but too many of them are taken over with negative emotion.

In my head I am alone, there is the world and then there is me and it is one huge battle. I value the part in my life my friends play but they are not, cannot be inside my head.

I feel my only achievment in life is my kids. Sure, I have spread a little happiness, some cash and whatever but it won’t be remembered. If I croaked tomorrow there would be them that miss me for a bit but most won’t notice.

Matt is out with James getting pissed, he’ll be back whenever, I am about to go do the clearing up he left downstairs, the dirty dishes, the left over food. Then I will ut a wash load on. Daisy is out tonight, said she’ll be back about 11 tomorrow. There is just me and Zoey.

My world is off out living their lives and it’s my fucking birthday, happy birthday Steve.

For the record, I so don’t want to talk about this, I want this entry to absorb how I am feeling and make it all go away, back to the stage.

I wish, at times, I didn’t have them.

In the time it takes to publish this entry I shall become 43 years old. That isn’t old and I could have a lot more birthdays yet but too many of them are taken over with negative emotion.

In my head I am alone, there is the world and then there is me and it is one huge battle. I value the part in my life my friends play but they are not, cannot be inside my head.

I feel my only achievment in life is my kids. Sure, I have spread a little happiness, some cash and whatever but it won’t be remembered. If I croaked tomorrow there would be them that miss me for a bit but most won’t notice.

Matt is out with James getting pissed, he’ll be back whenever, I am about to go do the clearing up he left downstairs, the dirty dishes, the left over food. Then I will ut a wash load on. Daisy is out tonight, said she’ll be back about 11 tomorrow. There is just me and Zoey.

My world is off out living their lives and it’s my fucking birthday, happy birthday Steve.

For the record, I so don’t want to talk about this, I want this entry to absorb how I am feeling and make it all go away, back to the stage.

Had a lovely few days with Stan and the journey back was easy too so that was a result.

Now, every year I have a birtday, I understand most people do the same thing so this is probably not so unusual. What I also do each year is the pre birthday assumptions.

This year I am assuming I shall get gifts from 3 people. From those three, one I shall near as dammit pay for myself.

I shall get 3 phone calls to wish me a happy birthday, possibly only 2. The kids will do so eventually which will be a quick ‘happy birthday dad’ and then the day will carry on like any other.

My birthday being a Sunday I know I already have any postal gifts I am going to get. I guess that’d mean probably all the cards too, that’ll be 4 then.

I may at some future date get a delayed gift but that is by no means certain, I suspect I shall also not get a gift that was promised me but I was expecting that.

On the plus side, the weather will be nice, I may well get some gardening done as it currently resembles something very wild indeed.

I learn a few things each birthday, no ‘learn’ is the wrong word. It is more accurate to say that I am reminded that unless they are reminded, most of my nearest and dearest forget my birthday assuming they don’t need to remember because having a family that side of things is already covered. Well, it isn’t but that’s fine. Something else I know about birthdays is how they seem to be days of extremes. They can be either really happy ott events or total non events and depressing as hell!

As I say over and over, there is always next year (I hope).

Had a lovely few days with Stan and the journey back was easy too so that was a result.

Now, every year I have a birtday, I understand most people do the same thing so this is probably not so unusual. What I also do each year is the pre birthday assumptions.

This year I am assuming I shall get gifts from 3 people. From those three, one I shall near as dammit pay for myself.

I shall get 3 phone calls to wish me a happy birthday, possibly only 2. The kids will do so eventually which will be a quick ‘happy birthday dad’ and then the day will carry on like any other.

My birthday being a Sunday I know I already have any postal gifts I am going to get. I guess that’d mean probably all the cards too, that’ll be 4 then.

I may at some future date get a delayed gift but that is by no means certain, I suspect I shall also not get a gift that was promised me but I was expecting that.

On the plus side, the weather will be nice, I may well get some gardening done as it currently resembles something very wild indeed.

I learn a few things each birthday, no ‘learn’ is the wrong word. It is more accurate to say that I am reminded that unless they are reminded, most of my nearest and dearest forget my birthday assuming they don’t need to remember because having a family that side of things is already covered. Well, it isn’t but that’s fine. Something else I know about birthdays is how they seem to be days of extremes. They can be either really happy ott events or total non events and depressing as hell!

As I say over and over, there is always next year (I hope).