I wish, at times, I didn’t have them.

In the time it takes to publish this entry I shall become 43 years old. That isn’t old and I could have a lot more birthdays yet but too many of them are taken over with negative emotion.

In my head I am alone, there is the world and then there is me and it is one huge battle. I value the part in my life my friends play but they are not, cannot be inside my head.

I feel my only achievment in life is my kids. Sure, I have spread a little happiness, some cash and whatever but it won’t be remembered. If I croaked tomorrow there would be them that miss me for a bit but most won’t notice.

Matt is out with James getting pissed, he’ll be back whenever, I am about to go do the clearing up he left downstairs, the dirty dishes, the left over food. Then I will ut a wash load on. Daisy is out tonight, said she’ll be back about 11 tomorrow. There is just me and Zoey.

My world is off out living their lives and it’s my fucking birthday, happy birthday Steve.

For the record, I so don’t want to talk about this, I want this entry to absorb how I am feeling and make it all go away, back to the stage.