Well, the idea I love, the reality never seem to quite happen for me

I’d spent quite a bit of time rebuilding my own laptop when I volunteered to configure Nick’s laptop for him and get it working like his desktop … actually, better than his desktop is preferable! So, on Saturday (my day off) I went shopping and sorted Nicks ‘puters out until well into the night. I don’t mind but it was (is) very time consuming and when he got his laptop back today he still managed to mention more of the little niggles that I had missed than he did the amount of effort I put in doing the job … that and moving lots of boxes back and forth and the driving. Like I said, I don’t mind but along with the thanks was the chatter of what a nice time he was having, where he’d be going tonight with friends and his trip to Ireland next week when it is my day off, more is the point, it is fathers day and my kids have made no effort at all beyond their chores. Matt did a dash around yesterday to tidy up but Daisy wound me up last night because she wouldn’t go to bed and it was late before I went asleep last night because I was worried about Matt especially as he said he would not be late and it was already way beyond 01:30 when I went to bed not really relaxing because I didn’t know he was safe.

I was up this morning at just gone 7am. Partly because I was too hot, partly because George (cat) kept laying on me but mainly because I had some silly idea I’d be getting breakfast in bed which ended up being a cup of tea just after I was up and about to get dressed.

Still, I took Matt to work and picked him up again, did my fatherly duty.

It’s 7:30pm now. Zoey just got back from her weekend away but has not been in to see me at all, no fathers day hug. Matt has gone out for the night with James enjoying himself and Daisy is on her PC chatting to someone on msn. To put it mildly, I ask myself why I flippin well bother at times.

Got a message from Simon earlier. His daughter is with tunny bug and poorly, Si had it but was feeling better if I understood correct. Anyway, either because of the tummy bug or work or whatever it looks like he’s again not going to Manchester and it’s driving me nuts because I am feeling like a mistress with none of the benefits! I seem to keep my diary clear each week yet nothing happens.

I understand that Si wants to be there for his kids, what I don’t understand is (and I may have misunderstood) this ruling that he isn’t supposed to have a life, like he has to sneak to meet a guy on a business trip if he feels the need either because he doesn’t want to mix home life and gay life or that his ex wife won’t let him, I know not which. What I do know is that it’s driving me nuts. Si said there would be difficulties but I didn’t comprehend that would mean that his own personal needs would be so totally neglected let alone his dreams and aspirations along with mine too I guess. There was me thinking that somehow we could find a workaround, find some middle ground whereby we could have a relationship and care for the kids and be happy. As it is, it just seems like there is no room for me, not now or probably in the future as Si seems to really not like the idea that his daughter would ever live away from home. I can’t wait forever, I need to have some sign that just maybe there is a flicker of something there to work with, that I am not entirely wasting my hopes on the possibility of getting back together.

One thing I know for sure is that I am sick of being alone yet kinda of avoiding guys in the hope something may happen with someone else, I can’t do that, it’s too damaging to me.

I want to do this Cornwall weekend and I want to do Venice, I can’t wait for Si to make his mind up so I guess I shall just have to go ahead and book something on my own. Nick has expressed an interest in coming to Venice with me though I’d feel awkward about that because there is Andrew and I really don’t quite understand that relationship, I certainly don’t want to be a complication in it. It’s not like I even want a relationship with Nick, what I certainly don’t want is to be blamed for being the other man when I just am not!

My old school mate Paul keeps calling. He’s depressed and he wants me to go help him out, to be with him and make it all go away. He doesn’t want that enough to stop drinking though, he still keeps doing that knowing that he will kill himself. He just won’t take any notice of me or the doctor but believes his solution is in the beer glass. The guy is ill, he needs more help than I can give him but basically, he just won’t listen. He says he wants to talk but he doesn’t because all he wants me to say is that I love him and want his babies or something and I’ve made it clear, I totally don’t have those sort of feelings for him. There may have been a time when I lusted after him but now, whilst I hold some sympathy, on the whole the man sickens me.

Robin should be over soon so hopefully that will cheer me up a little.