Ponderations, Only $3.99

No Charge by J J Barrie from 1976 kind of just happened to me and I’d quite forgotten it. I may remember to play this to the kids next time they argue about their chores and expect something by return.

Emotions, vibrant and flowing just now for reasons I can’t quite fathom and just about anything can bring me tears of joy or happiness … It’s possible I am quite enjoying this as quite often I am flat with my feelings just beneath a thick layer of ice … could be global warming I guess, is it wrong to blame that for everything?

I have been pondering that maybe it is the subconscious awareness of my feelings as they were just a year ago and that may have some merit as I find that this often happens around July 10th when my mum died. The feelings just match up to the time of year when maybe things that we don’t even notice are there to remind us or could it be an internal body clock that automatically knows the season?

Whichever explanation I may eventually settle upon it doesn’t change the fact that I have a need to be close to those that matter to me and especially those I so seldom see. Danny has been in my thoughts a great deal recently. If I had the money I’d fly out there tomorrow as I would really like him to meet John. I don’t know whether he ever felt my visit there in 2004 was to see him or maybe just me grabbing a cheap holiday. Well, I guess that’s partly my fault as I never qualified it as anything in particular except the need to get away. The reality is that I wanted to be with him because of who he is. He was my first choice and the right choice. It’s not a lust thing though, let’s get real, he’s cute, no, it’s just that we seem to share some empathy between us that I value, there is no motive from either of us, nothing to gain from the other. I am missing spending time with Nick too. We spent many years together and it seems a shame that we don’t spend more time together as mates. Of course, having a boyfriend does that to me and I suppose a lot of others too. So wrapped up in ourselves we sometimes forget those that have helped us get to the point we are now and I intend to rectify that one.

Certainly I am looking forward to going to Ian & Richard’s for New Year eve though I prefer the more intimate visits with either just me or me and John as it enables me to just chill and unwind more. Parties are fun but can also be such hard work to get around. On the plus side, I think a lot of people that I am keen to meet will be there too so I doubt there will be s shortage of friends to talk to … we so need to have a party ourselves.

On that note I missed a trick, I didn’t arrange a Halloween party here. It was John that asked if we had been asked to one and, as it happens, we were driving through Castlethorpe at the time. It suddenly hit me that I was expecting to go to Tony’s as always but that won’t happen anymore, someone should have taken on the party mantle from Tony so maybe next year we shall sort something here.

Just recently spoken to Jason and he seems a lot better though it sounds like a slow recovery … at least he assures me that he has retained his irresistible good looks!

McFly, what is it about them? Each time I listen to them I get a lump in my throat and it is worse still if I watch them. At first I just put it down to being horny and them not being pig ugly but it isn’t that at all … OK, clearly if I was single and any one of them called me up and asked for hot sex and probably not be holding an argument but no, that’s not why I like them and get so emotional. I pinpointed the feeling and it’s that which I get when I look at my own kids sometimes when they just make me so proud of them. I guess I am just feeling the pride those boys parents must feel for them that they seem to be so talented and, perhaps even more importantly, they come across as really having fun doing it … what could any parent want more than to see their kids having fun and making a living for themselves?

The other day I acquired every number one hit from the UK hit parade since 1953 right up to today (yes, that’s a lot) and am currently listening to 1977 having reminded myself of the tracks from the summer of ’76 … boy there was some crap! The Wurlzles for heaven’s sake oh, and currently I have Elaine Paige doing her Evita thing … oh brother! By the way … that one I mentioned earlier about the ‘No Charge’, that was from 1976 and it reminded me how crap I felt about myself at the time asking my mum for payment for something.

Oh, as I know he reads this … Andy, we really must meet up for a chat, been neglecting you too, soz.

Matt finally asked James earlier to go to Gran Canaria with us and he said yes which I think will help take some of the stress off the girls from Matt’s moods and also, naturally enough cos I am careful with cash, get the cost down!

Robin is going through a shite time right now but it doesn’t bother me as I reckon it’s 90% nerves which will evaporate rapidly somewhere over the Atlantic giving him a fantastic time in the States next month … I so wish I could have gone too but it wasn’t to be … not unless I win EuroMillions on Saturday and, oh look, it’s that flying pig delivering my ticket.

I have the urge to write again … you’d not have guessed would you? Anyway, this ponderation will be available in all bad bookshops for $3.99 … ttfn

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