Month: June 2007

A year of change.

It’s the year that Matt got so bad that I became totally sure that he has to move out, as much for his benefit as anyone else.

I did a first and bought a car on Ebay. Little did I know how much that decision was to dominate the next few months and threaten my holiday nearly 4 months later

Robin moved to Northampton, certainly a good move.

Nick moved to his new bed-sit.

My body has got huge (for me)

Zoey is leaving school in just over a week

Jermaine is finally moving to his new flat next month

This is only the first half of the year!

I like to live life positively but I am also a realist. I would love to say that 2007 part 2 will be plain sailing and one of the happiest times of my life but I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen to really shake this year and I don’t get feelings like that often and I so hope I am wrong on it. I feel Matt is hiding a lot from me, that there is something going on in his life which is heading for disaster. All the pressure of the 1st half of this year has really halted the happiness of my relationship with John. We still love each other but the passion is on hold as I just don’t have the energy for it … maybe when Matt moves? At least that way we won’t always have the light on in the next room with the TV flickering all night never knowing if he’s up or asleep and it gives me the creeps to have one of the kids in the next room potentially listening to what we are doing.

On an unrelated note, this house seems to be constantly dirty, it’s like the 4th road bridge and no amount of me cleaning seems to be able to keep up with it. The cats both have fleas and last night we had to do the tablets, spray the house which is sending my allergies silly but it has to be done. There was a spider walking across the worktop first thing this morning. Spiders don’t bother me so much but somehow, seeing it there made it feel dirty and the flies, I hate flies because they lead to maggots and I hate those with a passion. I could swear I have cleaned every door in the house yet still, when I look, it appears some of them have had coffee sprayed on them overnight.

Ahhh, just thinking about fleas and I am scratching everywhere and there is nothing there.

I bet you are scratching now too?

A year of change.

It’s the year that Matt got so bad that I became totally sure that he has to move out, as much for his benefit as anyone else.

I did a first and bought a car on Ebay. Little did I know how much that decision was to dominate the next few months and threaten my holiday nearly 4 months later

Robin moved to Northampton, certainly a good move.

Nick moved to his new bed-sit.

My body has got huge (for me)

Zoey is leaving school in just over a week

Jermaine is finally moving to his new flat next month

This is only the first half of the year!

I like to live life positively but I am also a realist. I would love to say that 2007 part 2 will be plain sailing and one of the happiest times of my life but I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen to really shake this year and I don’t get feelings like that often and I so hope I am wrong on it. I feel Matt is hiding a lot from me, that there is something going on in his life which is heading for disaster. All the pressure of the 1st half of this year has really halted the happiness of my relationship with John. We still love each other but the passion is on hold as I just don’t have the energy for it … maybe when Matt moves? At least that way we won’t always have the light on in the next room with the TV flickering all night never knowing if he’s up or asleep and it gives me the creeps to have one of the kids in the next room potentially listening to what we are doing.

On an unrelated note, this house seems to be constantly dirty, it’s like the 4th road bridge and no amount of me cleaning seems to be able to keep up with it. The cats both have fleas and last night we had to do the tablets, spray the house which is sending my allergies silly but it has to be done. There was a spider walking across the worktop first thing this morning. Spiders don’t bother me so much but somehow, seeing it there made it feel dirty and the flies, I hate flies because they lead to maggots and I hate those with a passion. I could swear I have cleaned every door in the house yet still, when I look, it appears some of them have had coffee sprayed on them overnight.

Ahhh, just thinking about fleas and I am scratching everywhere and there is nothing there.

I bet you are scratching now too?

When I was a child I was all but ignored, my views existed but were not important in the adult world and other kids soon forgot what I had to say.

In my teens I thought I knew enough about everything to state my mind with mature abandon. Adults ignored me or agreed I was an irritation. Those or my age group valued my opinion and did what they wanted to do anyway. Those younger than me thought I knew everything. Which ever they thought, I was sure I must be right because my heart told me so.

Now in my 40’s young kids think I am a different species, teenagers know everything so what I have to say is just annoying. Those my own age listen to me as do those older … the scary thing is … my views are still what my heart tells me is right. I have no more idea if it is right or wrong now than I did when I was 7 yet the power of my age makes it right because I said so.

Realising this is one scary thing. It means I have responsibility to think more, to analyse my thoughts and sometimes over ride my heart.

Looking back there is an age I did not mention, my 20’s. It was a time when adults accepted me as an adult, where kids looked up at me as still a human but something more. My views were taken or left, I didn’t have the responsibility of age.

Why is it we only ever notice the good times when they have gone?

On an unrelated note … I am so glad I bought a 500GB drive for Jermaine as 325GB have gone already!

My feelings are all over the place. I think I am really happy because I cannot think of a good reason not to be. But, I also feel I need a good cry. It’s kind of like that pre Christmas feeling when something is about to happen, it should be good but we are not quite sure and we don’t know whether to get all excited and go with the flow or hold back so as not to have too much of a drop if it all goes pear shaped.

One constant bug is Matt. Not one day goes past when he doesn’t say or do something which truly upsets me. I don’t trust him, I know he tells me lies. I always feel he knows already the next stab in the back he has lined up for me but I just cannot work it out quick enough to stop it happening.

This walking lark is getting me confused. Went out earlier to pick up a prescription and my ankles were in agony. Walking back and I felt totally OK. Surely that should be the other way around?

When I was a child I was all but ignored, my views existed but were not important in the adult world and other kids soon forgot what I had to say.

In my teens I thought I knew enough about everything to state my mind with mature abandon. Adults ignored me or agreed I was an irritation. Those or my age group valued my opinion and did what they wanted to do anyway. Those younger than me thought I knew everything. Which ever they thought, I was sure I must be right because my heart told me so.

Now in my 40’s young kids think I am a different species, teenagers know everything so what I have to say is just annoying. Those my own age listen to me as do those older … the scary thing is … my views are still what my heart tells me is right. I have no more idea if it is right or wrong now than I did when I was 7 yet the power of my age makes it right because I said so.

Realising this is one scary thing. It means I have responsibility to think more, to analyse my thoughts and sometimes over ride my heart.

Looking back there is an age I did not mention, my 20’s. It was a time when adults accepted me as an adult, where kids looked up at me as still a human but something more. My views were taken or left, I didn’t have the responsibility of age.

Why is it we only ever notice the good times when they have gone?

On an unrelated note … I am so glad I bought a 500GB drive for Jermaine as 325GB have gone already!

My feelings are all over the place. I think I am really happy because I cannot think of a good reason not to be. But, I also feel I need a good cry. It’s kind of like that pre Christmas feeling when something is about to happen, it should be good but we are not quite sure and we don’t know whether to get all excited and go with the flow or hold back so as not to have too much of a drop if it all goes pear shaped.

One constant bug is Matt. Not one day goes past when he doesn’t say or do something which truly upsets me. I don’t trust him, I know he tells me lies. I always feel he knows already the next stab in the back he has lined up for me but I just cannot work it out quick enough to stop it happening.

This walking lark is getting me confused. Went out earlier to pick up a prescription and my ankles were in agony. Walking back and I felt totally OK. Surely that should be the other way around?