Just lately it seems that Matt is avoiding us whenever he can. I get the feeling he wants to talk, have given him the chance to do so but he’s not interested.
He did tidy his room earlier as I’d asked which was a positive step but I feel a rift is developing between us which is going to get increasingly harder to heal.
Telling him to leave is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make just like it was with Jermaine. I know Matt feels I am giving up on them but I am doing anything but. To me … well, I have the memories of their whole lives in my mind and can remember the love I had for the pair of them when I first held them in my arms and that has never faded. For the rest of my life I shall love all my kids. The problem is, I too have an identity. I am a person entitled to a life and to have as much good from that life as possible. On top of that I also have to consider the effect on those in this house. Sometimes it can get to a point where it is so damaging that we cannot all live together. Trying to cope with Jermaine brought us all down. It also pulled us together.
The time Jermaine was here was not easy for anyone. Sadly, Matt seems to think he was the only one to feel the effects, that somehow he lost his childhood and it is all my fault. That isn’t how it was at all. He had a very good and happy childhood. True, he lost an element of the freedom some of his mates had because he had to babysit now and then but he was also granted a lot of stuff that his mates didn’t have. I operated an open door policy here for Matt’s friends to come and go. Matt lived in a very comfortable house and has had his own room for many years, generally a very nice size room as well. He has been on some fantastic holidays, weekend breaks and day trips and done some things which he really enjoyed. The problem with all of that is that I got too soft with him. Each time something bad happened to him I tried to compensate. If he lost a phone or a bike I would replace it and that, I am sure, has given Matt the impression that spending to replace something lost is always OK. It has got to the point where he makes no effort to keep safe from being mugged because he feels he’ll always come out on top and won’t lose anything.
Earlier on today I dropped Daisy off down town and Matt was no more than a hundred feet away and knew I was there in the car but made no attempt to come over or even wave to me. Just a few moments ago I had his grandmother on the phone talking down to me like it is all my fault after speaking to Matt who was visiting his mother … someone who just a few days ago predicted it would be Matt’s fault if he was laying dead in a gutter somewhere and she expected that to happen. She’s done nothing for any of these kids in years yet he can take time out to go see her whilst I am ignored totally having always been there for him. But then, as he once said to me recently, that was my choice, he never asked me to do it.
The same grandmother was actually accusing me of telling lies over Jermaine as well. She is 100% behind Jermaine’s previous accommodation and won’t hear anything bad said against them. Moving him has been a really bad idea in her opinion as is proven by the increased level of seizures where he is. I tried to point out they may not be at an increased level at all because where he was before simply didn’t do their job and all too often left him alone but she just kept telling me how that wasn’t how it was, they were always there for him with top level medical support always on hand. That is just not how it was there as others independent of the family also witnessed.
She went on to say that he was a very ill little boy and that he won’t be cured, that eventually it’ll just finish him off and there is nothing to be done so maybe moving him when he already had ‘the best care’ wasn’t the best of choices.
This is both annoying but also really hurtful. As I said up there somewhere … I love my kids so much that when they are in pain I am too and taking on the pain of up to 4 other people is hard as hell. To have done it for over 20 years is VERY hard. To be told that I don’t know what I am talking about, that I am doing stuff for my own personal gain, because I can’t be bothered, because I have given it up … it shows that people that should know me don’t know me at all.