Oh my fucking God … how low can I sink in life that the highlight of my day could ever be watching Jeremy Kyle?! It gets worse, one of the programmes was a repeat!

If there was anything which could possibly show me there has to be something more to living it is that programme.

Right now I have virtually nothing in life worthwhile, I am coasting and, to make matters worse, the highs are actually the interesting bits and those are the shit bits! Yes, for my life to be interesting I have to be going through some shit. Someone has to be really upsetting me or making my life miserable for me to have anything to think about apart from playing stupid games or watching TV. Hell, I am constantly relying on the next big influx of money to add some interest.

So low have my ambitions got that I now don’t look forward to anything. The prospect of travel and a decent holiday used to be enough to keep me going throughout the year but now I can’t be arsed with it. I really don’t care whether I go on holiday or not.

I am excited about the prospect of starting work. I know it’s just voluntary so it isn’t going to be respected as ‘real work’ but at least it will feel like I have some focus, something worthwhile to do.

Not that I don’t have worthwhile people in my life, I do,. I have people that I love and love me in return but you know, that isn’t enough.

All too often I am getting depressed watching the news and things which are affecting me directly on there. Ever increasing fuel prices which means every aspect of my life is changing. It’s not just ‘can I use the car’ it is, how much grocery items have increased, the over all cost of living, gas and electricity prices are rocketing out of control. Everything is going up and I am stuck on benefits unable to ever better myself with nothing but a poverty style retirement looming for my older years when I will have all the time in the world, finally able to do things without feeling guilty and having to justify myself yet actually having no money to do any of the things I might like to do.

I had a fathers day where at least 2 of the kids preferred to be with their mates than be with me. I have a really good friend I love dearly who thinks seldom about me but always thinks of how bad he is feeling, how cynical he can be about everything, how negative he is about most things. I sometimes wonder if he doesn’t create these situations for the attention because from what I have seen, many of the episodes can be recovered from rapidly with the right incentive. I need him to make a greater effort. He needs to know that if he is in genuine need I shall always be there for him and, even if he isn’t, as a friend I enjoy spending time with him. But I don’t need the situations where his attitude is the real problem. Where people are so black and white. He either loves them or hates them with passion and quite often, those he passionately claims to hate he knows so little about. Steve Irwin, The Princess of Wales … I can’t even mention there names without him talking about them as though they personally ruined his life. They may seem harsh but it’s an example of the thinking about things I am talking about, hoping that maybe if he let go of some of the negativity which is misguided or channelled it to the right location, to those who really have damaged him, he’d be a much more contented person.

Of course, much of it is my own doing, I am not really blaming everyone else here.

I need to say no and mean it when I can but, on the other hand, there are situations where saying no isn’t an option and I understand why that is and that it is my fault but even so, is it entirely my fault that I am constantly abused because others get to learn about it? The kids know I cannot say no to them. They know that the thought process in my mind is that once they have asked me to do something which could keep them safer I have to say yes because I can’t bare the thought of the consequences should I say no and something goes wrong. It is that which got me into this mess in the first place. I said no to my mum and two days later, she was dead and the was the last thing she ever asked me to do. My friend knows I can’t say no because he also knows that me saying no will mean that he then makes it clear that he feels suicidal now and then … which I know of course … and that me saying no means I am not a proper friend, that I obviously can’t care much about him if I don’t include him in all the plans I may ever want to make. That’s so not true. Every day I worry about him because I value him as a person, not as a carer who needs to be responsible but because he’s a great guy with so many good points and so very interesting. I just need him to trust me that he is loved and not forgotten even if I am not in contact or not around.

With the kids, I need them to take some responsibility for their own actions and not to think that Dad is some sort of super human who doesn’t have feelings and who can be used over and over and bounce back. Trust me, if they know what it is like to be hurt then they should know never to do it. The argument that you always hurt the ones you love, is true but also a bloody pathetic excuse for doing it.

You know, I don’t think this is depression, I am not even sure I am angry. I am more bored than anything else which means I have too much time to think, too much time to absorb the burdens of those I care about. Each problem becomes my own as though I were living it. Trying to find ways to make a depressed person happy, trying to sort out the debts of others, trying to sort out their relationships, trying to ensure that those they hurt don’t suffer more than they have to.

The whole gay thing drives me nuts especially mixing with straight people. I have male friends who clearly need a hug and maybe if I were straight I could give them a hug but being gay I don’t know how it is going to make them feel so I do nothing and that just adds to how bad I am feeling.

Not one day has gone past in as long as I can remember without me wanting to scream something out loud. I don’t know what … which doesn’t help … but I just want to scream and scream and disappear for a while in the scream. I’d say I want to cry but I can’t. I have tried, I have had the need but nothing happens … I can’t because I keep getting distracted by those other problems I am trying to sort out so don’t have the time to really give myself the space. I just feel guilty about grabbing even those moments reading a book on the loo … how crazy is that? Everything I try to do for me is abused. I cannot relax having ‘me time’ without the fear and inevitable reality that it will be interrupted. That’s how life is for me … this blog entry I have had to stop writing twice because of someone else needing me … apparently ‘the cat dribbles’ is the sort of thing which needs my immediate attention!

I shall probably feel better once I publish this … and nervous too as I expect I shall suffer the consequences of my honesty. I don’t expect anything better to come from writing it from others, I have said all this before at various times and much like … ask before taking a toilet roll … this too will be seen as just one of Steve’s ramblings which can be filed under the title of ‘load of crap, let’s get back to normal’.

My apologies … and I don’t do that often on this blog, to anyone this may upset but the purpose of this blog is for me to say things as I feel not because I should, not because it is the right thing to do but because it is honestly as I am feeling right now.

For the record … no, I am never going to be on the ‘Jeremy Kyle Show’. If I act like I am so inclined, do the decent thing, be kind to me, put me away in some nice safe and secure place until those feelings go away.