First I want to share a song Deej and I have been playing loads of late … to me, it is representative of the gay dad coming out, to Deej it is something different, about love and committment and, I’d like to think, we are both right.

Listen here At the end of this message I shall include the lyrics for you to read.

So, that song got me thinking about the past, about feelings and emotions. I went to significance, to consequence and possibility and just plain memory.

The wedding, our Civil Partnership (etc) is July 10th, a memory so often experienced as it is the anniversary of my mothers death. Indeed, I am pushing my luck with the weather as each 10th July I remember was like that first significance, overcast and wet. Depression and gloom in a weather pattern. The other reason for why it is of importance, if one believes in such things as mere ‘dates’ is that it happens to be the day Deej and I met.

The July 10th of old is clouding my judgement of the new date. I cannot wander away from the need to include a memorial in the ceremony. Is this a good and healthy thing to do when making an attempt to step into the future? I don’t know, I feel the need though and I really don’t think I can ignore it.

My thinking has also gone to the already increased population of my family circle and the impending increase. My experience of family is that there are endings. I fear the more who are part of me the greater I have to lose. I don’t want to experience loss again, I dread it. I would sacrifice myself a thousand times if those I love could live happy and long. I do not want to be here when others are not, my trust in destiny is not good, it is barely shaky. My history is such that if there is shit out there, the slide it is on ends at my doorstep.

Tiredness, you know, and I know you do, it is the fuel of imagination.

‘Let Me Fall’

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
and dream must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
the one I want
the one I will become
will catch me

So let me fall
if I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

All I ask
All I need
Let me open whichever
door I might open

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
or may not rise

I will dance so freely
holding on to no one
you can hold me only
if you too will fall
away from all these
useless fears and chains

Someone I am
is waiting for my courage
the one I want
the one I will become
will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed
your warnings
I won’t hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no
reason
to miss this one chance
this perfect moment
Just let me fall