Have spoken to Anna, seem it was not her who told anyone else what I had written, it was someone else, someone I also really like and admire as a person and that disappointed me.
Those who normally read this are generally my friends and they read it because they know that, right here, I allow myself the luxury of explosion. You know, people ask how we are and we always reply how we are fine, it is rarely true and each time we do that we bottle up a little untruth and these things build up and it just isn’t good.
So, like the other day, anyone reading in context will have seen that I was actually having a quite awful few days, very stressy what with one thing and another.
Now, sometimes I don’t always put a lot of thought into what I am writing … I am writing ‘live’ and unedited except maybe the occasional spell check. When I referred to the Newton crowd I was referring to the rumour mill over there. Sadly, they do mention me negatively thanks, to a large extent, to the total rubbish they were fed from James. He acknowledges himself that he told loads of lies about me to them … he also made it clear he’s not about to humiliate himself by putting the record straight. That’s a shame. All I can do is ask that those with personal experience of me full back on that for their truth. Have I ever done anything to personally upset them? Have I been anything other than a good host when they have visited and looked after them? It’s just so easy to believe gossip especially when it is spread by someone who, on the surface, should know what goes on at my place. James should, and does, know what life is like at our place, he had no right to go around spreading rubbish and outright lies just because he wasn’t getting his own way. There is an old saying … who is the bigger fool, the fool or the fool who follows him.
I am a very open guy. If anyone wants to talk to me then my door is open. If someone needed my help, I’d do my best. I don’t hate anyone, I don’t have the ability. I don’t do violence, it is not part of who I am. I make mistakes, I am not perfect, I am proud of that and I will say sorry if I am wrong but, only if I am wrong, not because someone threatened me.
I mentioned Tom Noax in a negative light … let me explain. Each time we had an issue with James, one way or another and, quite often I imagine, to his annoyance, James went running to Tom. He no doubt spouted off loads of shit and exaggerated what had gone on back home. Tom was being a mate, he believed James (most likely) and developed an opinion of me. Now, James always made a point of telling me how homophobic Tom is. It was, according to James, the only reason he’d never visit James at home when he lived with us. James was so good and, no doubt, is still very good at the lies it is near impossible to split apart from the truth from the BS. If Tom has negative feelings about gay people, and let’s presume he does, it was always going to be easy for James to prime his opinion of me any way he wanted to. Nothing good could come from James telling his lies to Tom as Tom would have wanted to believe them rather than be seen to defend a gay man. That sort of set the stage.
Tom’s house, for whatever reason, is the focus of attention in that area. It seems natural then that anything vaguely resembling news and gossip will circulate around the place … and it does.
I have today spoken to someone from that area and they confirmed that gossip, negative gossip about me, has been spoken amongst the peeps that hang out there. Why would they even care? I am 46 years old, I am someones dad. The only possible connection I have with them is their visits to my home where they have been made welcome or via James and what he has said, not what I have done, frankly, most or all of the guys around there have little idea what I actually did for James.
Even now I am still trying to support James despite all he has spread about me. Let’s get something out of the way here and now … I do not, never have, have no intention of ever having sexual feelings toward James. From the first day back in October 2008 I treated him as a family member, no more or less than that, nothing sinister. I know some find it impossible to believe that when someone is gay that doesn’t mean they want to shag everyone with a cock! Why do people feel like that about gay men yet not about women? If it was a woman doing her best for a young lad people would just think she was being motherly but, get real, she likes cock unless she is lesbian! Why would a gay man be assumed to want to have sex with a lad yet a woman only to be motherly? That’s the reality. I have always been able to split lust from other aspects of my life. So, my motives for James have only ever been to make his life better despite all his best efforts to blow his life apart. We nearly got there too, we were so close and then it all got screwed up. The lies became overwhelming.
So, now, James is needing help to be able to access his child when it is born in September. As I have been saying, and not being believed, for months, much of the decisions affecting James have not been mine. I have tried to help him with them but they are not mine. This one about whether or not he is fit to be a dad is the legitimate choice of the child’s mother and I totally support her in that. at the same time, that doesn’t mean I just sit back and allow James to screw it all up like he seems to be about to do. If he talks to me and listens, just maybe I can get him to a point where he can prove he has the right to call himself a dad. But, being a dad brings responsibilities. It’s not about taking the kid out to show the lads how clever the dad is for getting a girl pregnant, totally nothing clever about that. Sex is easy, it doesn’t have to take long, is normally a pleasure and involves very little thought and that is what produces a life long commitment. Being a dad is about putting the child first. It’s not about how much but how much as a percentage a dad is prepared to give up. Right now, James has contributed zero towards the baby. My friends, his mother, Daisy’s mum and, of course, me and Deej have provided everything the baby will need from birth. James has so far given up nothing. Not even time because he’s only got involved when he had nothing better to do.
Whilst he is making it obvious he’s got money yet not spending it on his kid, he is doing himself no favours. Smoking, Dr Pepper, Xbox etc are all things which have been got for James whilst junior gets zero. The damage he has caused to our family locally and with his own family is still very much in place, he has no plans to change that. If it became obvious he’d done that then it would go a long way to show he is prepared to make an effort … if he were each week offering some money of buying stuff for the baby it would go a long way. He says he will, James always says the right thing and then, when it comes down to it, he fails on the delivery.
This is not the time to be stamping feet and expecting other people to bail him out, he needs to do this for himself … so, back to the start of this …
I needed to contact James a few months back when he was living at Tom’s. He was not answering his phone. I tried Tom’s number and, well, Tom probably knows the voicemail message I got. I am not going to write it here. So, from that, from the smell of James whenever he came back from Tom’s house, I got an impression. Add to that what James had said, that Tom really had seemingly avoided my house for months (he had visited before a few years back). My opinion of Tom was set, idle for the most part and then I got angry because it was obvious that he was playing a part in the newly forming relationship between Daisy and Sean. That, once again, rather than think for himself he was following James lead … that was the way it looked from the outside. Who Daisy does or does not see since she split from James once and for all has nothing to do with anyone else … including me provided she is happy and safe. It should never have become about friendships and choices and who is backing who. Baby or no made no difference. James had already given up his right in that area when he, once again, walked out. Even after that we tried to smooth things over but James screwed that up again. Daisy was totally free to be with who ever she wanted to be with, without anyone objecting, it is their business alone. Friends should support James through what must be a difficult time and they must also support Sean in his new relationship. Getting involved with a woman about to have a baby, no matter who the dad is, is a huge decision. He should be admired for it, he’s a great guy. No one should have been compelled to take sides, all over that area should have stuck together and muddled through. Just because someone gets angry that doesn’t give their argument more validity. Yes, James is hurting and angry but he needs to be reminded it was his own choice, no one forced him to do what he did that got him to where he is at. If his mates pull together, stop blaming other people and actually show James what he needs to do to win the right to see the child, that’s friendship. From what I have heard, Tom knows a thing or two about that sort of responsibility with his own impending fatherhood. He has made the effort. I am told he’s quit certain habits, that he wants to move away to start fresh somewhere suitable for a kid. How grown up and sensible is that? I admire him if what I hear is true … that doesn’t stop me getting angry and the gossip mill and, even, as I am sure I said, the entire population of that gossip mill is James. If he’s giving others a bad name then, tell him to stop. No one over Duston is my enemy, I am not the enemy of anyone over there, just remember that!
Now, moving on because I have a honeymoon to enjoy over here and am sick of this subject now. I just want it gone away and sorted, let’s be friends and all that or just agree to differ.