Am not sure I like ‘Quiet’, not at home anyway. It feels rather ‘useless’.

As I travel through life I, like many others must surely do, as myself “What is this all about?” The truth, I suppose, is that we probably won’t ever know for sure. It could be some deep and meaningful enlightenment, some learning process or, indeed, we could be here for no purpose at all, we just ‘are’.

Perhaps many have decided, like me, that if there is a possibility that we are here for no greater good, no purpose, that we just have to change that, be our own rule book effectively, our own judge on whether or not we consider ourselves to justify our continued existence on this planet.

I have not yet got my personal balance right. I spend too much time on the part of my life dedicated to helping others, not enough time on my own needs, indeed, I feel real guilt if I do something just for me. Even worse is when someone does something for me. It is so rare that this happens, someone selflessly doing something from which only I benefit that it throws my senses, I really don’t know how to react. By the time I have fully absorbed the experience it has past and I have greatly missed most of what I should have gained from it. In sort, it takes me too long to sort out for myself what I am able to sort out in a few moments with other people.

What aspects of my being am I happy or not happy with?

• I don’t think I communicate well enough. Genuine offers of help I give to people are sometimes taken as my trying to control them. What tends to happen is that I look at a situation, analyse it and my brain comes up with at least one powerful possibly solution. In my mind it is the right thing to do, will work for them, solve their problems but, what I often forget to tell them is quite possibly the most important part, they still have a choice. Just because I feel it is their personal salvation this does not mean and should not mean they have to follow that path. To every problem there are any number of workable solutions.
• There is a feeling of pride in me when I see a person full of woe walk away happy with a way to resolve their issues. It is, to me, a great feeling of achievement to change the life of another from misery and despair to happiness and contentment. That feeling could not be replaced by any reward.
• Generally speaking, I manage money quite well. I like to think I am fair with my money, generous even. I would rather go short myself than see someone else struggling. It deeply upsets me that I cannot financially help all those I know and care about to the point which would make a difference.
• I have a deep and real need to feel loved (don’t most people) yet, when I am I often cannot accept it. I distrust my feelings on the subject and see others caring for me as a temporary state which shall, at some point, be replaced with something less pleasant.
• I refuse, totally and absolutely to hate anyone. I will never allow myself to accept that someone does not have good in them somewhere. This is both to my credit and, quite possibly, one of my failings. My logical brain tells me that there has to be people who cannot be rescued out of themselves, away from their past. People who are just so set on their path they are never going to deviate. Knowing that, even accepting that, I still cannot stop my heart from ignoring it.
• Rules, I make them and I break them. Once again I am torn between whether this is good or bad? At the time I make a rule it is needed but, as time passes, I become to realise that there is either a better way or that the introduction was based more on my feelings at the time than any real ‘need’.
• Consistency, I am not consistent enough and this is vital to achieve much of what I want to achieve in life. I have been known, to my shame, to treat some people less favourably than others through little more than their appearance, that is so deeply wrong and I am working on that failure of mine.
• If I am honest, and there is no point writing this if not, I am weak. Yes, I come across as strong willed, someone with endless abilities to keep going but that is not really how I feel. Each time someone really needs me, a little piece of myself sighs and wonders where I am going to get the energy from, the emotional reserve power. I shall always find it, many of my other points would collapse if I didn’t but, that feeling is always there. I am weak too in that, unless I feel I am appreciated, needed even, my heart sinks and I feel real failure. To think I have helped someone only to discover they are laughing at me behind my back or degrading my name hurts like hell. It is a real struggle each time for me to get back up from that and I know, one day I just won’t.
• I am a contradiction. Some of my most contended moments have been when I have had so little. This is not an invitation for anyone to help themselves to my ‘stuff’ but it is true that the times I have been most at peace I have had nothing but other people and the environment around me. Things don’t make me feel part of something, they are just things. I need to be around people and yet, when I am, more often than not I am shaking inside. Really feeling like I am not worthy, everyone dislikes me, they don’t want me here, all those sort of insecurities but yet, no one (I think) can tell this to look at me. I am a contradiction, an ‘actor’.
• Very few people actually understand me and how I work, I think, were I to count it up, perhaps only one person does or ever did. It could be very unfair to explain who that is and, in a way, I am truly sorry because the reason that person understands me is mainly because they are a carbon copy of me which means, they too, feel almost exactly the same way much of the time.
• False image … fitting in with much which has been said already, I know I portray, unintentionally, a false persona. This means I come across as much stronger than I am which means others feel empowered, almost encouraged, to throw things at me. Not in the literal, pick it up and throw way but in an emotional way. I am proud of my ability to bounce back but each time I cry about it inside. It is the same feeling I had from a childhood of being bullied. The ‘front’ has always been an essential shield but it doesn’t actually protect me from the blow, just allows me the ability to survive it.
• At 46 I am aware I know so much. The answers to many things are available to me in my head and, if not, I know where to get them. I don’t feel useless now like I did for much of my earlier life. However, knowing what I know gives me an insight to what I don’t know. The latter far outweighs the former and that worries me. I fear I may never reach my full potential and that bothers me. Worse yet, were I to even get close, I don’t have a way or an ability be able to demonstrate it more than word of mouth and, to date, that has not amounted to much and can be destroyed far more easily than it has been created by just one vindictive person. No one can can take away a doctorate but a reputation can be taken down in moments.

Is life worth living?

Well, for that we have to know why we are here. If we really believe we are here for no purpose, that we exist and then we don’t and nothing else matters, quite possibly I fear we have no reason, no justification for being, we are an affront against all things natural just because of our own arrogance. If I place my worth on whether or not others may remember me fondly, consider me of value, yes, I have to answer that life is worth living and I can state my case for it as written above and my place here would be assured until the natural failure of my body (or a bus or whatever).

If I could have one secondary wish, I shall explain why ‘secondary wish’ in a moment, it would be the ability to fully comprehend, to know what others think of me, I mean ‘really’ think and not the image they feel comfortable sharing. We all do that don’t we? Were someone to ask we’d give them the edited highlights. Few of us are ever truly honest. I know I have had deep feelings of love for people before, not lust, don’t confuse the two, but feelings of love and yet they’d know little more than I value them as friends or think they are cool. What a waste of a genuine powerful feeling that is. I also know, on the other side of the coin, I have had deep feelings of loathing towards people and yet, if asked I’d probably say they were a little annoying at times but generally OK … is that really useful to me or them? I feel these feelings may need some explaining when shared, there is little worse than us complaining about someone without a constructive observation for improving the way things are. Not much point saying we love someone unless we tell them in what way and, perhaps as importantly, in what way it isn’t.

Now, I said about a secondary wish which needs an explanation … my first wish would always be for my kids and those I love (who are many) to have enriched and contended lives. How that comes about is unimportant but that is my primary wish. Were I to have a third wish, it may be for my own happiness and contentment but, I could not have that without the other two.

Do we spell the word ‘book’ as BLOG these days?