It has been 17 years since I last felt as I do today and I don’t like it.

What happens is that the pressure of life, being there for everyone else, being ‘me’ gets a little more than my brain can handle. 17 years ago, when this happened, it took two years to get over it.

Just as before I have been forgetting things, can’t work out simple problems like basic maths, rudimentary spelling (I spelt that wrong the first time) and get so angry so quickly. I have a need to run away from myself which is, impossible.

Recognising the signs is one thing, getting over it could be something else again.

Last time I was totally ill equipped to deal with how I was feeling, I didn’t know what it was. This time I am better prepared. I know breathing exercises, … oh, that’s about it, bugger!

What I know for sure is that, for a while, a few weeks maybe, I can’t have stress, I have to relax, give my brain the chance to recover and recharge. I do have to be selfish else I am not going to do myself any favours long term. I really don’t have two years to get over this, not this time around. Effectively, I need not to ‘have’ to do anything. Yes, there will be some things which are potentially unavoidable but, even then, if I can, I need to avoid them. No stressful meetings or telephone calls.

I cannot be around anyone who is stressed or anxious, I just cannot because I’ll absorb it.

What I am saying here is, in my awkward way, I need some support, some gentle loving, happy people around me, no guilt trips. If someone can be happy and positive without being all sympathy (I don’t need that) then please, stay in touch, visit, call. I am not doing parties or entertaining for a while. The rest of the family can carry on as normal but I need this break.

Those that will be around me, please, make an extra effort not to argue, disagree loudly or cause rifts, I can’t handle it … keep it quiet.

I’ll let you all know when I am OK. Do please work out what is wrong for yourself, I don’t want to explain it more than this does. It is not something to be gossiped about … the old man has not lost his marbles, not yet anyway!