I don’t wanna …

… ever lose my memory

I dunno, it could be stress of lack of sleep but both my memory and concentration are going tits up and have been for a few months now and I really hate it.

I have not gone doolaly, not yet anyway (still time) but if this is a sample of what losing marbles is like then I don’t much like it. I start saying something and then nothing, total blank. I am forgetting names, forgetting what day of the week it is even. Some things I remember with perfect clarity, indeed, most things I do but the processing time seems a lot longer than I am used to, sometimes though, the memory doesn’t come at all and I draw a blank and on important things too like family names, how wrong is that?

Anyway, hopefully I am still sort of useful.

Zoey’s social worker came round earlier. During the meeting she asked what I did for a break. Not because my memory is lacking but because it is reality, I had nothing to give her, what the hell is a break?

I remember the USA in 2004 for one week and another week in 2007 to Gran Canaria, they were the only times I’d say I have had a break, the sort where I can think and stop worrying about everything else for a while. The social worker was asking about afternoons or, like it’s ever gonna happen, weekends! Like I have time to ever truly relax for such a short period. The only time I was able to relax for short periods was when Tony was alive. I used his place as a sanctuary. There was no phone signal there. I could just turn up and go to bed if I wanted to knowing that if anyone tried to get hold of me they couldn’t, it was a good feeling and Tony, always looked after me, bless him.

This world of grown up pressures is scary and stress is a horrible thing.

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