Year: 2010

They are:

The ‘What if something never happened?’ game which means, if you could travel back in time and change things, what would you change and, would you actually be better off or, could it actually have stopped you getting something you value?

The ‘What would I do if I won big on the lottery?’ game which is, rather self explanatory.

For the first I have normally concluded that I could barely so much as tinker with the shit that has happened in my life without losing something I value right now. I can’t have ever persuaded the younger me to come out at 20 like I wanted to. I may have had a good life but, what I am quite certain about is that I would not have the friends I have now, would not have my kids and my grandkids. That is a price too high to pay. One thing I know, well, I ‘think’ I know is that I could have said ‘yes’ to my mum to buying her something from Sainsbury’s. I have always felt guilty saying no and … bugger, you see, there we go again. That one moment defined a part of me that it probably vital to who I am now. It kicked me in the arse and made me realised to not say no unless I have to because I never know what could happen if I do. Buggerations cos I was so certain I could alter that one and it would not change anything. Think about it honestly, what could you change without losing part of your personality, your friends, maybe your family?

The winning lottery ticket is in my hand … what do I do? You see, I’d have thought the answers would come easily and, if I were many years younger, maybe they would but, I have things that matter to me that are too important to lose but then, when would I ever get another chance?

Do I like living in England? Well, up until now, no, not really. I detest our awful weather, the nanny state, the class system, the inequality. So, I can go anywhere, where do I go and, if not, why not?

First reaction, go to Florida, I can live with the occasional hurricane but wait … if we go there, me and Deej are no longer married, we are just another gay could living together with no rights at all. I don’t like that at all. So, nice place to visit, I am not going to live there. Gran Canaria maybe? Well, it’s big but it is still an island, I’d get bored and feel trapped. I am not sure I want to learn another language. I don’t like that they seem to smoke wherever they feel like despite a smoking ban, the tourists would probably piss me off too. Erm, that rules out most of Spain then. South of France? Just about the same reasons as Spain, oh dear. Further north and it is too cold. Australia maybe or New Zealand? Hmm, Oz, maybe but then, they are not exactly renowned for their tolerance of difference. One other really important thing. Spain and France are a short flight away, when kids miss me or I miss them, they or I can get on a plane but, the other side of the planet? I don’t think that can work. My long standing conclusion seems to be … be based here regardless of the bits I don’t like and just disappear elsewhere when the mood takes me … when I write ‘me’ and ‘I’ then take that to mean, anyone who is with me. On that one question, who’d be with me (apart from Deej of course) I have few answers that I am truly happy with. I can’t imagine Matt and Anne wanting to up and move anywhere out of Northampton. I am not even sure Sean could drag himself away. Zoey, most probably. Jermaine, that would be the biggest wrench as moving away would mean barely ever seeing him, I am not sure I could handle that. Robin, I think would follow. James I would prefer to follow because he’s part of the family and should be around Josh as well as Daisy and Sean but then, if they never went then James would have no need either … you see, too many damn question when a huge injection of cash should be offering solutions! A new car … yes, a simple one … except, choosing which new car, that’s hard but I suspect fun working it out.

On another, not too unrelated note … I need photography practise … should anyone want some experimental pictures taken, please ask me!

They are:

The ‘What if something never happened?’ game which means, if you could travel back in time and change things, what would you change and, would you actually be better off or, could it actually have stopped you getting something you value?

The ‘What would I do if I won big on the lottery?’ game which is, rather self explanatory.

For the first I have normally concluded that I could barely so much as tinker with the shit that has happened in my life without losing something I value right now. I can’t have ever persuaded the younger me to come out at 20 like I wanted to. I may have had a good life but, what I am quite certain about is that I would not have the friends I have now, would not have my kids and my grandkids. That is a price too high to pay. One thing I know, well, I ‘think’ I know is that I could have said ‘yes’ to my mum to buying her something from Sainsbury’s. I have always felt guilty saying no and … bugger, you see, there we go again. That one moment defined a part of me that it probably vital to who I am now. It kicked me in the arse and made me realised to not say no unless I have to because I never know what could happen if I do. Buggerations cos I was so certain I could alter that one and it would not change anything. Think about it honestly, what could you change without losing part of your personality, your friends, maybe your family?

The winning lottery ticket is in my hand … what do I do? You see, I’d have thought the answers would come easily and, if I were many years younger, maybe they would but, I have things that matter to me that are too important to lose but then, when would I ever get another chance?

Do I like living in England? Well, up until now, no, not really. I detest our awful weather, the nanny state, the class system, the inequality. So, I can go anywhere, where do I go and, if not, why not?

First reaction, go to Florida, I can live with the occasional hurricane but wait … if we go there, me and Deej are no longer married, we are just another gay could living together with no rights at all. I don’t like that at all. So, nice place to visit, I am not going to live there. Gran Canaria maybe? Well, it’s big but it is still an island, I’d get bored and feel trapped. I am not sure I want to learn another language. I don’t like that they seem to smoke wherever they feel like despite a smoking ban, the tourists would probably piss me off too. Erm, that rules out most of Spain then. South of France? Just about the same reasons as Spain, oh dear. Further north and it is too cold. Australia maybe or New Zealand? Hmm, Oz, maybe but then, they are not exactly renowned for their tolerance of difference. One other really important thing. Spain and France are a short flight away, when kids miss me or I miss them, they or I can get on a plane but, the other side of the planet? I don’t think that can work. My long standing conclusion seems to be … be based here regardless of the bits I don’t like and just disappear elsewhere when the mood takes me … when I write ‘me’ and ‘I’ then take that to mean, anyone who is with me. On that one question, who’d be with me (apart from Deej of course) I have few answers that I am truly happy with. I can’t imagine Matt and Anne wanting to up and move anywhere out of Northampton. I am not even sure Sean could drag himself away. Zoey, most probably. Jermaine, that would be the biggest wrench as moving away would mean barely ever seeing him, I am not sure I could handle that. Robin, I think would follow. James I would prefer to follow because he’s part of the family and should be around Josh as well as Daisy and Sean but then, if they never went then James would have no need either … you see, too many damn question when a huge injection of cash should be offering solutions! A new car … yes, a simple one … except, choosing which new car, that’s hard but I suspect fun working it out.

On another, not too unrelated note … I need photography practise … should anyone want some experimental pictures taken, please ask me!

… ever lose my memory

I dunno, it could be stress of lack of sleep but both my memory and concentration are going tits up and have been for a few months now and I really hate it.

I have not gone doolaly, not yet anyway (still time) but if this is a sample of what losing marbles is like then I don’t much like it. I start saying something and then nothing, total blank. I am forgetting names, forgetting what day of the week it is even. Some things I remember with perfect clarity, indeed, most things I do but the processing time seems a lot longer than I am used to, sometimes though, the memory doesn’t come at all and I draw a blank and on important things too like family names, how wrong is that?

Anyway, hopefully I am still sort of useful.

Zoey’s social worker came round earlier. During the meeting she asked what I did for a break. Not because my memory is lacking but because it is reality, I had nothing to give her, what the hell is a break?

I remember the USA in 2004 for one week and another week in 2007 to Gran Canaria, they were the only times I’d say I have had a break, the sort where I can think and stop worrying about everything else for a while. The social worker was asking about afternoons or, like it’s ever gonna happen, weekends! Like I have time to ever truly relax for such a short period. The only time I was able to relax for short periods was when Tony was alive. I used his place as a sanctuary. There was no phone signal there. I could just turn up and go to bed if I wanted to knowing that if anyone tried to get hold of me they couldn’t, it was a good feeling and Tony, always looked after me, bless him.

This world of grown up pressures is scary and stress is a horrible thing.

… ever lose my memory

I dunno, it could be stress of lack of sleep but both my memory and concentration are going tits up and have been for a few months now and I really hate it.

I have not gone doolaly, not yet anyway (still time) but if this is a sample of what losing marbles is like then I don’t much like it. I start saying something and then nothing, total blank. I am forgetting names, forgetting what day of the week it is even. Some things I remember with perfect clarity, indeed, most things I do but the processing time seems a lot longer than I am used to, sometimes though, the memory doesn’t come at all and I draw a blank and on important things too like family names, how wrong is that?

Anyway, hopefully I am still sort of useful.

Zoey’s social worker came round earlier. During the meeting she asked what I did for a break. Not because my memory is lacking but because it is reality, I had nothing to give her, what the hell is a break?

I remember the USA in 2004 for one week and another week in 2007 to Gran Canaria, they were the only times I’d say I have had a break, the sort where I can think and stop worrying about everything else for a while. The social worker was asking about afternoons or, like it’s ever gonna happen, weekends! Like I have time to ever truly relax for such a short period. The only time I was able to relax for short periods was when Tony was alive. I used his place as a sanctuary. There was no phone signal there. I could just turn up and go to bed if I wanted to knowing that if anyone tried to get hold of me they couldn’t, it was a good feeling and Tony, always looked after me, bless him.

This world of grown up pressures is scary and stress is a horrible thing.