I have my phone turned off right now and will have for a while. I am not in the frame of mind to be answering calls right now. Those closest to me know how to get hold of me if needed.
I am generally really positive but, just lately; am getting annoyed by things which go on around me or I read about. I need to be surrounded, for a while, by positive, supportive people and not selfish ones. There are too many bad people rewarded for what they do (or not as it goes), good people struggling with life’s shit and I feel helpless to change anything. Life isn’t fair at times. There are people with real worries struggling through trying to smile whilst others, with barely any worries, moan all day long. Good young adults throwing their lives away on drugs, kids being rejected by their parents, terrible service everywhere I go, prices getting more and more out of control … I am struggling to stay positive. I am getting really down with constantly blurred vision, not being able to hear, allergies (I apparently don’t have) making me feel shit just about every moment of every day. Am feeling old, pathetic, dad to too many, too old to be a friend … basically, the last few days have not been my best. I am hearing too many ageist comments. Am tired of people writing other people off because of what ‘they’ may think! This person can’t be with that person because someone might think it is wrong! Life is too short to be making decisions on what someone else might think!
There is a lot of the word ‘I’ in this entry; ‘I’ am not apologizing for it! The point really is that this is my blog about me and how ‘I’ am feeling so, it should be expected to be somewhat self-centred!
A young lady wrote on Facebook recently how it is easier to give advice than it is to take it, she is quite right. I have been handing out advice recently on how someone else should look at who their friends really are and not waste time with the ‘users’. I am aware I have too many people who use me, I need to stop it. I know who my children are, I have 4 of them and only 4 of them and then I have their partners who I also call sons and daughters and there is one other who can call me whatever he likes because he is one of the most special people in my life right now. Everyone else, I am Steve, I am me, I am just a guy like anyone else. I want to be Steve who happens to be a really good friend; I don’t want to be so old that I have to be justified by calling me ‘dad’. It’s like, if I were 20 years younger I’d be their amazing friend ‘Steve’ but, as I am nearly 49 I have to be called ‘dad’ to make me socially acceptable! Dad is a special label which can be used by my kids and their partners; indeed, I’d insist on it and be offended if it wasn’t. It can be used by Adam, if he wants but he has the option just to see my as his really bestest friend ‘Steve’.
I have been a dad now for a quarter of a century, it’s time for that label to mean something respectful but equal. I don’t want any more children, I want and need equal level friends. I need to have friends around me who may have issues that we can work through together or who have no issues at all, not those who are depending on me for everything, I don’t have the energy emotionally for a never ending parenting, it has to be a job where a bloke can step back and have the tables turned and starts being the one who is looked after instead of the one doing the looking after. Right now, I think, at this time of life it’d be right to expect a transition period. One where I am still useful as a dad, as a mentor but, more important, I am becoming a valued friend.
Tomorrow is the birthday of the closest friend I may ever have had, a man I loved dearly, it is making this time of year difficult for me as I need him right now and he’s gone. He was twice my age almost and yet, not once did I ever consider him my dad, I just saw him as ‘Tony’ my friend, a man I really truly loved.
Are my eyes exceptionally sore right now? Is it my allergies or, is it that I just feel like I want to weep all the damn time? I don’t know, I just know I don’t like this feeling. I need a lottery win so that I can buy the care that Charlotte needs to give Sue and Fred just a couple of weeks break so that they can work out who they personally are again. I’ve been there, losing my identity is/was horrible. The whole family there is so special to me, amazing people who deserve better. I’d also spend it on allowing me the freedom to get away from this shit hole of a town more often with various friends and family who deserve it. To give Sean and Daisy the chance to be a full family without having a biological ex father hanging around with the potential to fuck things up for them. If he can’t be arsed to be a dad, let Sean take over fully, he deserves the full title! I want Matt running Williams Ltd! I have no idea what we’d sell yet but he could damn well run it right and I’d have a crèche for the grandchildren to give both Anne and Daisy a break from one of the most difficult jobs in the world! I’d get the best doctors for Jermaine so we knew we were doing the right thing. I’d get someone in to wake Zoey up in the mornings so she actually lived life! Adam would be my personal everything until he was relaxed enough to make his own way in life! Of course, if he never did I could never do better than to have him as my personal assistant, driver etc … not to mention, one amazing friend!
I want to do Forza for real so it made sense what I was saying to Matt and Sean about how I can’t get a feel for the car because I drive on instinct not visuals or sound! So, they’d have to pass a test and then get some decent cars to join me at the race track, heaven on wheels!
If I won the lottery of course, seems somewhat unlikely, I can’t even win on Solitaire!
BTW, I also meant to write that I will always, as long as I can breath, be there for my family, which includes my closest friends and anyone else who genuinely wants my help and is prepared to take my advice, it’s time-wasters I have to get rid of.