Mini update

I’m gonna be honest, I am not coping well, I have not been coping well for quite some time. Right now my life, and I mean no disrespect to those I love but, my life feels horrible. I feel like, and it’s probably just because of how I am feeling, that, most of my friends just don’t want to know. I want to be able to do ordinary stuff, just going out to chill, drink, dance or whatever yet, in a way, I feel almost as though I am being looked after.

It’s really hard reading about one friend after another who goes out with ‘their’ mates having a great time doing this or that and yet, I don’t get an invite, I am not on the ‘A’ list or I am too old or too depressed or too whatever. I am trying to get older friends but they either don’t have time or don’t want to go out anywhere which leaves me with family and, obviously I love my family but, it’s not the same as being with non family friends.

I am just about remembering what going out and actually having fun is, it’s really been that long ago. Maybe it is time for me to just be old, sit in doors slowly rotting away waiting to fall apart. I’ll be 50 next year, I could potentially have another 40+ years of this, I don’t think so.

No idea what to do, I am on some dating sites, no one even looks at the profile apparently, it’s a good one, I can’t think of any way to make it better except lie. I really truly have no idea what to do, am feeling empty, one day to the next for everyone else. Am almost at the point now where I don’t want to do anything for me because then I can’t feel let down, disappointed or worse.

Sorry, this is just how I feel. In many ways I am incredibly lucky. This could all be in my head but, it feels real. A big empty bed, all to myself sums it up

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