2015-03-18 09.56.37

Still suffering the effects of a nasty virus so, feel dizzy (more than usual, I am generally a dizzy person), sore throat, cough, aches, fluctuating temperature, allergies gone somewhat mad, not sleeping well, you know, normal virus stuff so, unpleasant but not likely to disable me much, I am still doing what I usually do.

Depression? Well, I don’t think anyone who has ever suffered from depression ever really gets rid of it, we just have unmanageable and manageable levels of it. Right now, it’s manageable but there are still times on certain days and especially at night when it’s, well, I’d rather not have it is the truth but situations and experiences change throughout life so I am not going to presume for one moment that how things are now, how I feel now are permanent.

Weight, well, I have conceded that I can’t just los weight right now, not sustainably. So, thanks to Primark I have upped my sizes which makes me feel better about myself and I don’t look quite so much like a fat bloke trying to wear too small clothes!

I am still single, I’d like that to change, I’d like to have the money to explore possibilities with Randy over in San Pablo, Philippines but, I don’t and so that may never happen. This is a shame as we’re so well suited on so many levels, one in which it’s quite difficult to establish here is in dimensions, it would be ideal for me to have a partner my level! We’re the same age, though he thinks that’s old! As the older sibling he’s become head of the house more or less with the loss of both parents. He’s fun and intelligent and damn handsome … sure, maybe carrying a little extra weight but then, see above! Ideally Randy needs to find the money to come here, perhaps to study for three years, that’d give us the best chance to explore possibilities and also work as a boost for his future if there was no future with me. I can visit there and intend to but, it can’t and won’t be like before with Jo. I cannot fund immigration to the UK and Randy doesn’t want me to either which is a refreshing attitude to have. The only other option is to move out there which, in reality, I cannot do easily, not impossible but not easy. I’d have zero income and don’t want to be a burden on his family. I also don’t want to be in the position whereby I couldn’t afford a flight back to see my family when I wanted to. So, it’s all seeming rather hopeless. I understand why we have immigration policies like we do but, at the same time, it’s just so damn annoying as well.

My eyes are sore now, been sitting here a bit too long I think, about half hour, and I might need a nice lemon water.

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