I’ve been in deep for over a year and today I was able to set a date when I am clear, on the home straight! True, that date is in October 2015 but I am quite certain that by that month I will be back to normal spending limits, no debt …. unless something happens to bugger all that up!
CBT, an explanation
I am following modules on ‘Self Esteem’ and it makes for interesting reading. There are 9 modules and I am on module 6 of the set.
I am finding myself agreeing with everything I have read so far except on the basis of, how I advise other people. Everything I am reading is just stating how I have naturally approached issues of self esteem in others. This is both true but, a little unhelpful. I accept and acknowledge the causes, that’s spot on for me. I was bullied and put down a lot as a child into my teens and my memories are of not being good enough so that obviously will have had an influence upon me but, to be honest, I feel I conquered all that in my 30’s. I stopped making excuses and protecting myself, I really did become a different person and especially from around the end of the 1990’s. Many who’d known me prior to being 30 wouldn’t recognise me as a person today. You know, it’s funny, I do still have some pointless hang ups from my childhood. Part of me still gets a little anxious when I have to buy something because of how often I got ignored in shops as was customary for perceived young kids in shops in the 60’s and early 70’s and, being so short I was always treated as a child regardless of age. That feeling doesn’t stop me buying stuff (I wish it did, I’d save a fortune) but I acknowledge a remnant of it remains. I don’t feel intimidated as I used to, I can give as good as I get these days. Am I over compensating? I don’t know, I think perhaps sometimes I do. I could possibly let someone have it where the situation could have been handled more delicately. But then, that’s a fine line isn’t it? If I deal with a situation with diplomacy and get shit on from a great height and my objectives are not met, does that resolve anything?
A saying constantly comes back to me as I read these modules and it is: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you”. Perhaps there is a bias in such things to always presume that current issues people have and the way they deal with them have a historical protectionist methodology behind them. That coming away from a given situation feels shit not because it was shit but because we merely perceive it that way because of our core beliefs in ourselves. Yes, I am using a lot of big long words.
They give an example of a quiz night invite from friends where a person feels they won’t be clever enough, they are too stupid so will either decline the invitation or resolve themselves to the fact that it’s going to be an utter humiliation. They are advised, during the module to not think that way, instead consider that it is a social event, it doesn’t matter, win or lose, it doesn’t matter if they answer any questions or not. Indeed, answering just one question should be seen as a great personal achievement and how wonderful that friends invited them. All good positive thinking and, in theory, it should work.
I’ve had this experience … I’ve gone into such a thing knowing I might not be able to achieve greatly but that’s OK because they’d be pretty dumb to know me so little they’d invite me along if they didn’t expect to answer some questions themselves! I didn’t care if we won or lost, it wasn’t important as the company and experience were far more pertinent. There was no complicated thought process just a relaxed approached with a little anxiety that we might all look totally stupid! But, that’s not how it turned out. They were all taller than me, we were standing up at (for me) chest high tables. None of them looked at me directly, they just talked to each other. I tried to converse with them but, in their haste to answer quickly they didn’t take the time to acknowledge I existed. When we left one of them commented they didn’t know why I bothered turning up seeing as I didn’t contribute anything! That was hurtful and it made me incredibly angry. Needless to say, they are not friends now. But it goes to show that no matter how much a person changes to minimise a negative outcome, they do still happen.
I’ve done quiz nights since (sitting down) and they were great, just to point that out. My point being, we can change as much as we need to in a way which ensures we have a high self esteem but that doesn’t stop shit happening and it’s a shame they don’t acknowledge that or, haven’t done so yet.
I know I am actually very likable, OK, ‘I’ think that I am and don’t have a reason to think otherwise. I cannot overlook my lack of friends who’d put themselves out for me though. This is where self doubt comes in because I know, for an absolute fact, that I also have friends who I don’t talk to barely at all, actually, fell out with that, if I called them up and said I urgently needed them, they’d be here if they could. I’ve probably got more genuine friends like that than many other people. I’d rather have the handful I have than hundreds of ‘friends’ who frankly don’t want to know about ‘heavy shit’ and only want to be friends for the fun times. That said, I’d love to have more fun times, am stagnating a little here! I’ve also been attracted to younger people, I now acknowledge this is a partial mistake as it places them in a difficult position. England today is very ‘bic’ and ‘ist’. One of those is ‘ageist’. We practically encourage a generational divide from birth. Some are extremely hostile toward age difference. It’s very difficult to include someone in their 50’s into a group of 20 somethings. Some may ask why they brought their granddad along or their dad and, well, I am not out to make my friends feel awkward so, that’s not happening. I have learnt that ageism is one ‘ism’ almost impossible to eradicate as it’s just so acceptable. Younger male friends might think I only want them for their body and, there may be some truth in that I could find them attractive and might not say no but, my friendship with them actually doesn’t depend on the physical, I just happen to believe they’re fun to be around and might want to do some of the nutty things I want to do such as aerial assault course, segway challenges and so on, more so perhaps than someone my own age might. Age doesn’t seem to be such a thing in the Philippines which is perhaps why I like it so much but then, when I speak to someone my age there saying they’re old (Randy), I do despair a little!
So, anyway, CBT is about getting us to work out the causes of our issues and working though methodologies to overcome those issues through honest self assessment and experimentation. Right now though I suspect I am on the wrong set of modules, I don’t think my major issue is self esteem. I don’t think its confidence, in my mind I am capable of doing things that I often discover are not quite so easy when I try them! I’d say that was the reverse of a low self esteem. My expectations are not unrealistic, I just try and run before I can walk. My objectives and expectations of what I can achieve are sound and I genuinely believe I will get there. So, it’s not self esteem, it’s something else …. I need to speak to my man at the clinic again but, I am really edging to this theory it’s as simple as loneliness, needing a life companion (I don’t care for dogs). It’s quite possible to be surrounded by people who love and care for us but still feel lonely if we don’t have a mutually caring and loving relationship … assuming we’re that sort of person and, I am!
I tell you what as a kid I considered a failure, one of many things, getting a divorce and getting married more than one. So, I am divorced twice now and still very open to the idea of a long and happy married life. I couldn’t think like that if I had a low self esteem!
Budget Day
So, we have the ‘Let’s buy a whole host of gullible voters day’ with George Osborne. No doubt we’ll be told how employment is rising, how the deficit is falling, how we’re all so much better off now than we were (compared to what?). We’ll be told that there are still tough times ahead but that only a Conservative government can steer us through them. It will be pointed out how inflation remains low, how not raising duty on fuel has helped everyone as is seen by the current lower prices at the pumps (it’s going up again George). In short, I should listen to this budget later and decide to vote Conservative in May but, I won’t.
Labour certainly did nothing to avoid the mess the country got in but they didn’t cause it. They made the mistake of trying to be too conservative, allowing high finance the freedom to cause a catastrophic cock up for which they took zero responsibility. They made the mistake of allowing Gordon Brown to take the job of Prime Minister, one for which he is totally ill suited.
The Conservative party have only managed to achieve the level of deficit reduction Labour said was sustainable but they have done it in a way which made the lions share of the burden fall upon the poorest and most vulnerable in society whilst ensuring the rich got richer, that is morally unjust. Our level of borrowing is no less under this government than it was under Labour, most likely more yet, they call Labour the party of borrow and spend. Now, let’s look at some common sense here. When you take money away from the least well off they cannot spend (unless they borrow which caused the damn mess in the first place). If the majority cannot spend as they’d like then we have no need to manufacture as we did, no need to employ so many. Reduce the level of manufacturing and employment and the burden on the state increases from increased benefits and reduced tax revenue. Overall, there is less money to play with in the economy so cuts to vital services become essential. Benefits are hit first reducing income still further. Allowing such things as zero hours contracts (I do blame Labour for those) to flourish might make the employment figures look good but it still means more handouts both in direct benefits and in tax handouts. It’s curtains and kippers as my nan used to say, keeping up appearances to hide the fact there simply is no money flowing.
Even at a local level we see the Conservative party doing the same things. Here in Northampton we’ve had huge spending on totally pointless schemes to pretty the place up. We’ve had our ugly but working bus station reduced to rubble to be replaced by a new shiny one which is too small and doesn’t work, it causes traffic hold ups everywhere. We’ve got a shiny new station, it looks great but, we have no extra trains stopping, many just speed through on their way to London or the north. We are having new office developments being built despite us still having an office space surplus because these are prime sites and office blocks look better than gas holders. We’ve the promise of a new University campus in town replaces two of the existing sites bringing new revenue into the centre but … what shops are they going to use? Many of the familiar shops in town have closed and gone elsewhere. We cannot herald the new ‘Next’ or ‘Primark’, nice as they are because they are stores which simply moved from elsewhere. Their loss from their previous locations has caused more damage than what has been gained in the mall. We lost an anchor store, the ‘House of Fraser’ and we lost ‘The Disney Store’ … both should be seen as a consequence of the mismanagement of the town centre as I can’t imagine Milton Keynes losing either there. We’re becoming a town of coffee shops, 99p stores and charity shops with the occasional short lease store for good measure. Then we have the reintroduction of a road in Abington Street to encourage more shoppers to use that part of town which was completed just as the major retailer that end of town encamped in the Grosvenor Centre! There is barely anything down there, I can’t imagine H&M staying for too much longer as they are clearly isolated down there losing trade to the other end of town. We also have ‘quarters’ popping up around and about, art museums, who the hell, except the wealthy, would spend local tax revenue on art? This is the Conservative party though, totally out of touch with where spending needs to happen.
We’re no doubt going to see some handouts to the poor in this budget, increases for apprentices, a rise in the minimum wage, a 1% reduction in income tax for the least well off, a further freeze on fuel duty. I expect to see something for first time buyers and for small business to take some of them out of some business tax. Things which won’t cost too much and which can be balanced by further welfare announced cuts. I also expect to see an increase in inheritance tax and other concessions to the highest earners balanced with harsh words against tax avoidance.The argument that if we compensate them they might pay some tax. The key emphasise will be on stability, gently on the rudder and the assertion that these hard times must continue for the benefit of the hard working family.
So, let’s see how close I am, should be interesting though, I don’t expect to watch it live so will get the edited highlights later.
Me
Still suffering the effects of a nasty virus so, feel dizzy (more than usual, I am generally a dizzy person), sore throat, cough, aches, fluctuating temperature, allergies gone somewhat mad, not sleeping well, you know, normal virus stuff so, unpleasant but not likely to disable me much, I am still doing what I usually do.
Depression? Well, I don’t think anyone who has ever suffered from depression ever really gets rid of it, we just have unmanageable and manageable levels of it. Right now, it’s manageable but there are still times on certain days and especially at night when it’s, well, I’d rather not have it is the truth but situations and experiences change throughout life so I am not going to presume for one moment that how things are now, how I feel now are permanent.
Weight, well, I have conceded that I can’t just los weight right now, not sustainably. So, thanks to Primark I have upped my sizes which makes me feel better about myself and I don’t look quite so much like a fat bloke trying to wear too small clothes!
I am still single, I’d like that to change, I’d like to have the money to explore possibilities with Randy over in San Pablo, Philippines but, I don’t and so that may never happen. This is a shame as we’re so well suited on so many levels, one in which it’s quite difficult to establish here is in dimensions, it would be ideal for me to have a partner my level! We’re the same age, though he thinks that’s old! As the older sibling he’s become head of the house more or less with the loss of both parents. He’s fun and intelligent and damn handsome … sure, maybe carrying a little extra weight but then, see above! Ideally Randy needs to find the money to come here, perhaps to study for three years, that’d give us the best chance to explore possibilities and also work as a boost for his future if there was no future with me. I can visit there and intend to but, it can’t and won’t be like before with Jo. I cannot fund immigration to the UK and Randy doesn’t want me to either which is a refreshing attitude to have. The only other option is to move out there which, in reality, I cannot do easily, not impossible but not easy. I’d have zero income and don’t want to be a burden on his family. I also don’t want to be in the position whereby I couldn’t afford a flight back to see my family when I wanted to. So, it’s all seeming rather hopeless. I understand why we have immigration policies like we do but, at the same time, it’s just so damn annoying as well.
My eyes are sore now, been sitting here a bit too long I think, about half hour, and I might need a nice lemon water.