Month: May 2015

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Nearly June Update

Have you seen this man?

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That’s my other self on GTA V, Robin Banks. I think he looks just like the bloke I think I should look like but don’t!

Next week I shall be 52. I’ve always been a little nervous of being 52 as it is the age my mum died at. True, there are no similarities between her and me health-wise. But, even so, it sort of also brings it home to me just how young she was when she died, how much life she didn’t live. By comparison I am so much more fortunate. She never knew her grandchildren and she ended up with 6 of them. She never knew her great-grandchildren either and there are 4 of those. Most upsetting for me personally is that she never got to know me either. To her I was probably this stupidly introvert weird kid who had little respect for her (because I had sex in her house) and who had got this girl she didn’t much like pregnant.

She never got to know the person I couldn’t be then but later become and that’s sad because I would have liked to seen how she was, whether she would have approved of dumped me or just went through awkward denial. I’ll just never know. Of course, no point dwelling on what didn’t happen and can’t happen. She died in 1986 (July 10th) and that’s that.

So, at 52 what do I still want to do?

I really want to do more travelling. I’d like to return to the Philippines if I can, visit Hong Kong, India and Australia, I must do Australia as it tops up my continent tally! It’d be nice just to go somewhere else that sort of speaks English too. Where else? I really do want to do Gran Canaria again and the USA too, hell, so much of the USA! Top of the list would probably be Florida though, so much escapism. Seems greedy though as it was only 4 years ago I was last there. New York for sure but taking in Washington DC and Niagara Falls, that’s a big ask. I really enjoyed LA but wouldn’t go back unless I could add San Francisco onto the journey. Actually, San Diego is another I’d like to redo. Ibiza, that was the start of my international travels, the first destination I flew to back in 1982, so long ago now.

I’d like to do another holiday on the Norfolk Broads, I enjoyed that and it’s really quite relaxing.

Hmm, a hot air balloon, quite like the idea of that. Riding a motorbike again. Not done that since 1983 and that didn’t go so well. Having some fast fun around a race circuit in an awesome car, that’d be good.

All the above have a degree of the possible about them.

The not so likely is, have enough money to get my eyes and ears as fixed as they can be just so I can be somewhere close to ‘normal’ physically for a while. I do so hate wearing glasses and hearing aids. A lot of people don’t think let alone understand how horrible it is. My hearing level never gets above the quality of an old transistor radio, and they are uncomfortable always. My eyesight means I can’t see properly at any time. Sure, I can see but not naturally. I know from when I wear contact lenses that the sort of vision which is natural is a very long way off what glasses achieve. I can’t feel the wind in my face or wear fashionable shades. Certain personal things are thoroughly diminished because I need to remove my aids and glasses, forget turning the lights off, I actually would prefer the lights off so I might forget I cannot see and, sweet nothings are actually just ‘nothings’ without my hearing aids.

So, if I had the money, I’d get something done which the NHS would never fund. It wouldn’t be a cure but a huge improvement.

No, I still don’t colour my hair! I get really fed up with those who keep insisting I am colouring my hair to hide the grey, I just don’t, it is what it is. The only colouring goes on is my eyebrows as they are quite grey which just looks odd with non grey hair.

I’d like to get in shape but then, I’d also like to feel good about myself more often so I didn’t comfort eat.

What else? Well, I want to start the photography more again, I want to set up and use the Karaoke too. Both those help me unwind and I need some unwinding.

Love interest … sort of in the works but, not assured yet, a work in progress which reminds me, shall call him in a little while.

As for my birthday itself, I think that’s sorted.

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Complex Families

I find myself tiring of the complexities which are the relationships we have between us and those we are closely or loosely related to.

Take my own case for example. I have a grandchild whose biological dad has, in my truthful opinion, being horrible to me in particular and a total waste of space to his son. Then I have his family who have believed stories they’ve been told about me, totally unfounded and they too have treated me quite appallingly. Now, the biological father is history, thankfully I never have to have anything to do with him again. But, the rest of the family are still related to my grandson of course.

They’ve never gone out of their way to hurt him other than not not bother to visit on several occasions they could have done but, we can put that down to what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. But, how’s it going to work long term? Whilst he’s young he’s no reason to know and he’s not asked but, if he asks he’ll be told the truth about all the history. Does the way they treated me become pertinent or not? Hopefully, I never have to deal with the issue. To my amazement, knowing how they totally disrespect me they still ask to use my house as a place to meet my grandson. I suspect, and this is unfounded so don’t quote me, that some of them stay away because of me, just because I exist.

For many years I tried really hard to hold it all together, create one larger family for the benefit of my grandson but it’s obvious sometimes that what we want and what we can achieve are not the same thing. Indeed, I hold myself largely responsible for this mess because I worked so hard to keep everyone onside. Had I not made such an effort then bio dad would have disappeared nearly 6 years ago and his family would never been any the wiser and certainly had nothing to do with him. I persisted for too long and created a whole heap of mess from it. I wasn’t wrong just ‘wrong’.

I don’t frankly care what any of those people do now as long as they leave me well alone. I feel harassed just because they exist.They prove to me that wrong doing doesn’t seem to have consequences. Also, doing the right thing clearly has had some damaging consequences!

So, that’s just the current situation. Quite manageable but, in reality I wish personally that Sean could legally adopt and that they’d have a fully recognised functioning family rather than the complication of someone else who keeps popping up and quickly out again doing no more than rock the boat.

As for older situations, well, after 25 years +  I’ve been invited to a family get together. I don’t know why now and not any time previously but, I’ll go along with it.

As a kid I had this rosy concept of Mum & Dad, two kids, loving aunts and uncles, fun cousins and so on. Reality is, that isn’t the concept which became reality and … who the hell am I to make such comments about a standard family?

Gay man, married twice, once to a woman then a man .. I am barely what could be called a role model for family sanity yet, somehow it seems to work.

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Molly, RIP

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Her condition changed so quickly we thought she might have had a fall but it turned out it was more serious than that and there was nothing at all the vet could do for except put her to sleep, out of pain. Bless her, she looked and sounded so scared, sad and in pain this morning it was almost a blessing to watch her slip peacefully away terribly upsetting though it was.

The first vets we took her to last night were appalling, only interested in money and a lot of it. They misdiagnosed Molly and left her in pain longer than she needed to be. VetsNow need to be investigated and possibly shut down for what they did.

I cannot praise Vets4You in Northampton enough, they were excellent and showed real compassion to Molly and us at a difficult time.

Killing a pet, because that’s what we’re talking about here, is a hugely tough decision. The very least we could do was to stay there with her as it happened. I couldn’t do it to her to prolong her suffering for our benefit knowing she likely would never get better, more likely get worse. It was the right decision and she’ll be missed. If I am honest, particularly by me. Though I didn’t want her and tried to get shot of her at first she became for some reason, attached to me. Everyone else she would go for but not me. It was like in some silly way I had a little furry friend who wouldn’t hurt me unlike so many human ‘friends’ have done over the years. She could’ve if she wanted to but chose not to and I valued that.

I hope my mum likes cats because now she has another one to look after.

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Beautiful Memories

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Firstly, a thank you to Nick for getting the ticket for me, was a lovely gesture.

I have seen the play before, my diary tells me that it was 4th October 2000 with Tony in Wellingborough. From memory that version was based on the film whereas last night I thought it was more possibly the original play.

It’s about two teenage guys living in South London in the 80’s. though the decade wasn’t overly apparent last night.

Jamie lives with his barmaid mum and Ste lives with his abusive drunken father next door in a tower block. They’ve been friends for years then realise there is more to it than that. This is the love story of those two, their coming out at a difficult time of homophobia, drugs and illegality. It’s really uplifting.

The play was excellent, all the cast shocked me at how good they were and my pre judgement was that the actor playing Jamie’s mum was totally wrong for the role, she wasn’t. Who she played was horrible in ‘Eastenders’ but in this, she was very believable and the audience warmed to her.

For some reason a significant portion of the audience left at the interval. I can but presume this is because they didn’t realise it had gay content and, if this is correct, it shows how far we still have to go in acceptance and equality.

Now, for me it brought back memories of my first real love. I was a little older than Ste & Jamie but my boyfriend wasn’t. We’d been friends for some time and it was almost out of the blue that love happened. Our relationship was illegal then just as it was for Ste & Jamie. Sadly, my Mum died and never got to know me as gay, my Dad was oblivious to everything. To me, the relationship I had with my first was truly beautiful.

The way it blossomed and how I felt I don’t think I will ever feel again but, seeing the play last night was a lovely reminder of much happier and surprisingly less complicated times.