Sometimes I write down my anger as I need to do that because it cleanses my mind and this is a good thing. Occasionally though, I am so angry about something that it is counter productive to write about it.

 

What I am going to do instead is use some reverse psychology on myself which will work even though I know what I am doing.

 

My Life is wonderful

 

Yes, it really is.

I started having children over 22 years ago now. Sadly, Jermaine will never reach a level where it could be reasonably said he’ll achieve anything, I love him all the same.

Matt had a tough childhood, life as a Young Carer is never easy and he had a gay dad to deal with as well and, quite clearly, that didn’t make his life any easier. It was no great shock when he went a little down the wrong path for a while and life was difficult for all of us. That was then and this is now. I am ever so proud of what he’s achieved with Anne’s support. He could have stayed on the downward spiral yet he is now making something of himself, I hope, feeling a sense of pride in where his life is heading.

Zoey, as with Jermaine, is special needs. She has managed to achieve quite a lot though regardless of her problems. There is a very long way to go, she may never get there, but I am sure she shall continue to develop as a person. I am still her proud dad and love her loads.

Daisy was always going to be a problem right from near enough birth, it’s part of who she is, in her genes sort of thing. But, she’s loads like me. She’s unconventional, sods the rule book, does what she thinks is right. For coming on 17 she is very mature though there is always that little girl fighting to get out and, sometimes she could do with opening the door. I was very pleased with her GCSE results and know that, if she wants to, she can achieve all her ambitions, even the ones she doesn’t know she has yet. Daisy is an amazing person and brilliant mum.

Deej is totally childlike, immature in so many ways and I love him for it. He’s the other side of my coin. I can’t imagine life without Deej here by my side and, with all the stress I have had the past 18 months he’s had to cope with a lot of rejection and, for that, I am really sorry. Love you Deej.

Anne was an amazing find for Matt and it is a shame he didn’t find her earlier, his life would have been a lot more settled but then, maybe the timing had to be that way? She is a very warm, loving person and a great mum. Yeah, sure, she’s a kid sometimes but that’s a good point, no one should be in too much of a hurry to grow up and that includes me! I am very happy with the way Anne has helped Matt and look forward to her officially becoming part of the family even though I already see her that way already

Sean, what a great guy he is! Not many guys would take on another mans baby and hardly any at 17. True, he and Daisy have needed a lot of help and will do for some considerable time to come but that’s my job and I take it very seriously (in a fun sort of way). Sean has changed loads since last summer. He’s more confident and looking toward a future now. Last summer he’d have thought this afternoon was too much future planning! He was also totally convinced he couldn’t get an education but here is now in college! He even has a career in mind and takes his role with Josh very seriously.

I have a great friend in Robin, always there when I need him (he’d argue ‘when I don’t’ as well). He has a warm heart and loving nature. I am a very lucky person indeed to have Robin by my side

My Dad … we fell out big time hundreds of years ago but I do still love him and never want not to have him around somewhere as annoying as he can be with his ‘fun’ criticism at times. It really is never fun to be ‘told off’ at any age and, well, I am a little too old to take it easily these days! Hell, I am now the age I shall always think of my dad as being, I can’t imagine my Dad ever being over 50!

So, I have a lot of positives going on right now, that little list above is bigger than the list I could write of the negatives.

I want to add though, and this is not a complaint or a dig, I just don’t understand James. I honestly have tried everything to keep him part of this family, keep him with good contact with Josh but I can’t work out why it is not working? I am fast running out of options and time to implement them if I think of any. He’s got to start ‘doing’ himself. I can show him the path but he’s got to want to walk it. I totally cannot think of any tinkering or negotiation I can do that is going to help him strike a deal that is going to work any differently than the one he already has. All I can think of now is asking those that know him to try and help him. Going from a lad with no responsibilities to a man with the huge responsibility of a son is difficult, I think he’s scared and people trying to keep him a lad are not helping. It’s like offering a cream cake to someone on a diet, the temptation is too strong. James just has to decide, lad or dad? He cannot be both. I’ll support him with the dad part, as a lad he has to rely on the other lads.

Right, that sorted, I now feel better … and breath.