Bucket List

 

I feel we all have a list of things we want to do, you know, before we kick the bucket! I believe that is where the expression comes from because, let’s face it, carrying lists around in buckets isn’t overly practical and they do nothing to enhance the look of our sand castles. 
Why do we bother setting ourselves goals of things we really want to do before we snuff it? After all, it can erode our spontaneity. If we’re the sort that sees a bit of spare cash and just buggers off and does something, perhaps we don’t need a bucket list at all because we will just do stuff anyway?
Yeah, obviously that’s true, to an extent. I’ve often times in the past just taken myself off somewhere. Was it a spur of the moment thing though or was it something itching at me to be done which just coincided with the ability to do it at the time? I think the latter.
What sort of things should go in a bucket list? For me, travel ranks highly in it. Essentially though it could be anything we would like in our future that we cannot currently do. For some younger people that might be to meet the right person and settle down, it could be to have children or get a dog/cat/mouse etc and so on. We might even add things which seem like dreams right now but, who knows, might work out some day. Things like a certain model of car, a certain type of technology. Quite often the car we dream about owning might actually be affordable to us in a decade or so, some dreams just come to us.
Many of the things on my bucket list I have already done but it is more about the experience so, they’re there because of who I have not done them with but who I want to share those experiences with. You know, many dream trips I have made were on my own. I can’t talk to anyone starting the conversation with … “Do you remember that time … ” because they were not there, just me, my memories and my photos.
Does a bucket list have to be in any particular order? I mean, is it important which thing is taken out and achieved, what order?
To me the answer is, no, anything in any order. Never pass up the chance to do one when it presents itself. There is a clue in the title ‘bucket’ list. No point waiting to do things in order as we never really know when we’re going to kick our personal bucket!
For me personally I got two Disney Parks I have not yet done:
 
Shanghai is supposed to be well worth the visit although as I’d be going anyway, I guess that makes not much difference! Flying here from Manila is something like flying from the UK to Greece.

Tokyo Disney is meant to be one of the best and as I also want to visit Japan, it’ll be done on that trip. Bare in mind, if this is somewhere I go from the Philippines it’s about the same distance away as the Canaries currently are so it is certainly doable from there! Both of these then are just better done if or when I am living in the Philippines and, speaking of which …

I’d like our house in the Philippines to look something like this here but, who knows? So much can influence our chances of this happening. Right now our investment there has stalled because of Covid-19 and the base value of our investment is not enough to purchase a house unless it is a very basic flat which wouldn’t be terrible but, it’s not what we’re aiming for. A house like this not too far away from a beach is my ideal. I am fine with a short drive, a walk certainly isn’t likely to work for me! I am quite happy to get there on my scooter or old banger. I think I’ve a picture of what I mean by ‘beach’ so I will add it as the next thing for you to see from my bucket list.

You see, it’s so white it’d get lost on a white background! This sort of beach is not rare there by the way. Some are privately owned, others public and yet others barely used at all by anyone looking like this. 
The location is Panglao island which as the southern most part of Bohol. They’ve just built an international airport there so we’d be able to fly to some of the bucket list items from just down the road or, worst came to the worst, we’d get a plan from there to Manila and fly from there wherever we want to go.
Disneyland Paris has always had a special place in my heart not least as it was the first Disney park I ever visited way back in 1994. The last visit was in 2014. My wish would be to some day take all the grandchildren there but, it could well be the case that some day they’ll take us!

Walt Disney World in Florida I have been too so many times I’d have to add it all up yet I can remember when it was just a dream to be able to go there. In actual fact, the dream was about Anaheim, the very first of the Disney parks yet it would be 2014 before I managed that, again, on my own so I’ll add that to me last shortly. Florida was visited with various people starting in 2002 with the children and my then partner, Nick. I did it on my own in 2004. As a honeymoon with my ex. Deej in 2009. In 2011 I did it twice, once with Javis and again with Robin a few months later. I’ve not been since but I’d love to go with all the family. It’s the biggest of my bucket list dreams and a lottery win is required but I have always told the kids that they’ll know when I’ve won because I’ll pay for us all to go there for a few weeks.
Moving on and there is Los Angeles

There is just so much to see and do in Los Angeles. So many places will look familiar because we’ve all seen them before in movies and on TV. It’s easy enough with minimal research to discover filming locations, they really are all over the place. There is the location of ‘twin pines mall’ where the DeLorean first time travelled in ‘Back to the Future’, the house that ‘ET’ stayed in with Elliot, the western backdrop for ‘Blazing Saddles’ & Star Trek Generations (actually, for tons of westerns and sci-fi films over the years). The ‘Batcave’ from the original series of Batman is easy to find. There is one grand old mansion that has been used in so many films and TV shows it’s just easier to look it up and check! You can bet you can keep yourself busy just going to see places you’ve already seen before on the screen! 
On top of that it is the location of the very first Disneyland in Anaheim, the only park Walt Disney actually went to and the one used in ‘Saving Mr Banks’. LA is where the first ever Universal Studios was built and still is which still houses many famous movie sets. 
Having a car is a must and within easy driving distance is San Diego which is as near as someone can get to Mexico with a huge Mexican culture where it’s easy to get authentic Mexican food and drink, oh how I would love to be there with my Matt! Even better on his birthday. In a different direction is a 4 hour drive to Las Vegas where hotel rooms are crazy cheap, similar sort of prices to UK chain hotels. From there are several trips by plane or helicopter to see the Grand Canyon and the Hoover Dam. 
Sharing all that would be amazing because, once again, I did it alone.
If I could afford to own a car I know I’d enjoy and, as important, afford to run it, I’d have this:
This is the 2020 Chrysler 300 pure muscle car luxury
Some bucket list things remain aspirations as I honestly have no idea how to achieve them. I don’t know whether money will help or whether I just need a lot of support and understanding. Top of that list if I could choose would be to lose weight. I have gained way too much and it is uncomfortable in so many ways. This is not how I want to be for the rest of my life.
Australia, I’d like to go to Uluru just because it is there. I get that it’s not actually the largest single rock on the planet and that it’s kind of been renamed in recent years or, returned to an original name but, even so, it’s there and I’d enjoy seeing it. I think I’d also be more interested in seeing the North of the country too.

The only trouble with Australia is that for every amazing place there are equally amazingly horrible things I have no interest in being confronted with so, whilst I’d like to go see, I’d like way more not getting critters taking an interest in me!

Glorious Beauty and then, erm, death!
There is a slight little issue here in that whilst I have been or would like to go to all these magical places around the world, there are some places in the UK I have also not been to. There is a tiny little thought about visiting Northern Island but, I honestly don’t feel it’ll ever climb high enough up my list to actually get done, they’ll always be somewhere better. Higher up that list though is Edinburgh.
It always looks so beautiful but in that way that Cornwall is to me. It has history, scenery and a grand mix of quality and slums, it feels to me like it could represent the UK more so than London does. It’s almost not too terribly expensive to get there either.
Niagara Falls
Oh yes I’d do that zipline, I love ziplines and heights don’t bother me so it’s got to be a great experience if it is affordable! Seeing natural things like this is one of my favourite things to do. No one played a part in such things, our planet created them over millions of years and there they are for us to enjoy and for nature to do its thing.
One of my plans is to do the area around Iligan City which is where Dennis is from. As you will see if you watch this video, it is truly fantastic though, occasionally, they have their troubles and it is with slight apprehension that I add it to my list. Mostly the area is safe but then, isn’t everywhere safe until it isn’t?

Swinging back to Europe and Rome has to be on my list. I think that someday it might be nice to actually go inside the Vatican which means being appropriately dressed so as not to offend God (never heard such crap in my life that God would be offended by naked legs and arms!) As we know, Rome has a tremendous amount of history both good and bad, actually, mostly bad now I come to think about it but … ‘what did the Romans ever do for us?’ comes to mind so I guess some good came from their foray into the Empire business.
Staying in Italy for the next one which is Venice of course. It is probably best to go there sooner rather than later whilst it is actually still there. The problem with Venice is two fold. Climate change has ensured sea levels are rising whilst simultaneously Venice is sinking,

On some days we can walk around the streets of the city and other days we will be paddling or wading. My argument is, wear shorts, wear shoes which can get wet and you’re sorted! Yes, there are backstreets just as quiet as the one in the picture as well as places like St Marks Square which are heaving with tourists. The back piazzas are also considerably cheaper, likewise they are too in Rome.
How about activities I hear you ask? (I have very imaginative hearing)
A jet bike for as long as I like

Likewise a Segway

Just one flight in a Hot Air Balloon – Ideally over somewhere amazing rather than just local

Swimming with Dolphins – something about it just appeals to me

I’ve not done a safari park in years. The last time was 2002 but I couldn’t really relax as there was a minor emergency with Jermaine in another minibus

I’d love our own home with a pool but I’d settle for a long vacation

A really decent BBQ to cook on
Do you ever have that conversation with yourself or others of, what would I do if I won the lottery? Clearly I do and I feel it’s a healthy thing to do because the idea of winning a fortune with no idea at all of what I’d want to do gives me a headache! I’d just not like the idea. The one thing I know is top of that list is to do rather very little for about a month. Just keep it to ourselves and quietly set things in motion. Just going a few weeks without having to worry about money has it’s very own certain kind of appeal to it. Over time people will notice an increased level of spending, perhaps a car change, maybe the house revamped, some extra gadgets around the house. They may not notice for some time the new property in the Philippines with the new car in the drive waiting there. They won’t notice for some time that they are about to head off to Florida for a few weeks. I would already have spoken to their bosses and cleared it all with them, everything will be in place even so much as sorting the schools out. Our UK house would be given away, we’d have another UK base. I am not entirely sure what sort of place but it’ll be nice where we can make noise (and have an indoor pool). We may need a bigger bucket around this time too as more options will open up.

I will ensure we all get the best healthcare, better eyesight for me and improvements on my hearing abilities are a must. The grandchildren will have private tutors to help them get ahead with school so that they might have choices when they’re older. Each of the kids will have a home they own outright. Likewise for those who need help in the Philippines. Mum particularly will get her house finished and always be able to use taxis! 

Dreams are there for all of us. Sometimes they come true but, much like looking forward to Christmas, often times it is the looking forward which means more than the actual event.
Never let your bucket sit empty!

 

20 Years ago … probably

Mardi Gras 2000 – Finsbury Park, London

Wow, actually well over 20 years ago now since I took the family to London Pride and the Mardi Gras afterwards. So many celebs there, so many gay iconic ‘have to see’ people.
I watched The Weather Girls do …. It’s Raining Men!

A group you have probably never heard of ‘5ive’ who I used to think were dead sexy
OMG, don’t he look young?

This was ‘All Saints’

Bananarama – Walk like an Egyptian … they probably did other stuff too

Billie Piper who I think was a singer but I think she’s better known from Dr. Who

Above, Boy George from the pictures I am sure he’d want people to see and  how he looked on stage

Katrina from ‘Katrina & The Waves’, erm … ‘Walking on Sunshine’

Kylie above with the then London Mayor, Ken Livingstone and below performing

‘Lolly’, no, I have no idea who she is but she did a revival of ‘Hey Mickey’

Dana International who I think had something to do with Eurovision so, easily forgotten then. Of course, this could be someone totally different who I also don’t know!
That idol from way back when, Marc Almond

I certainly liked this one with Gene Pitney

Martine McCutcheon who I know was in Eastenders and I think she made some songs too but … obviously forget her too

Nicki French

There see, you know who she is now though, I thought it was someone else for years!

Another Eastender and this one I am fairly certain didn’t sing! Michelle Collins who played Cindy Beale

The late Stephen Gately who died of natural causes at 33, this after he’d left Boyzone

Steps had to be the group of the time
We knew all the moves

Just to clarify, I ‘think’ this was 2000, it could just as easily and more likely been, 1999 but either way, it happened. My second ever Pride event I believe … it was so long ago that I actually am not sure how many London events I attended one way or another. If I am entirely honest, I always felt out of place seeing as I am one of the majority so generally speaking isn’t noticed at a Pride event. The press are looking for the leather boys with their tash and dark glasses or the drag queens, not the guys who look like their best mate down the pub and, until we create that more honest image of sexuality, we’re very much stuck where we are.

Heart on my Sleeve

 

If I were to get a tattoo, it’d likely be something like this
True, it is unlikely I ever would get one but, if I did and here is why …

I am the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I am an open book, what you see is what you get and nothing complicated about it. Therein lies the problem. In this day and age and especially in the UK, genuine people are few and far between. There is so much dishonesty and deceit everywhere, especially online, that it is so difficult to trust anyone.

Then, we have ‘profiles’ everywhere which tell the world what we want the world to think we are. These things don’t allow room for individuality on any significant scale.  These things have to be filtered down so that we remain acceptable to the people around us and then we have to come across as likeable and interesting and, before long we have a fairly generic profile structure and we are loathed to be more honest in case it makes us look weak, turns us into that freak with issues, with baggage. No one wants to get cancelled out of the modern age, we have to play it safe.

As such, wearing our heart on our sleeve doesn’t work in 2020. We become vulnerable, we are perceived as weak and worse, as ‘up to something’. As though, no one can be genuine, something else has to be going on in the background.

In my life I have experienced real sadness and loneliness, times of absolute despair, of grief and pain. This gives me a perspective on life. If I say “I know how you feel” I probably do.
As we go through life we meet people and they get a snapshot of us at that time in that place and their entire knowledge of us is based on the feelings they get at that time. They don’t know our background, they probably don’t want to know our background. This is ‘baggage’ and it’s not a popular topic but, with baggage comes wisdom.
I like many others have experienced my fair share of grief with the loss of someone or, several in my life. As a child I experienced years of bullying likely brought on by my inability to socialise. That in itself was likely brought on by years of female care whilst I was a very sickly child in and out of hospital a great many times. My father would have argued that all that female input turned me into a ‘nancy boy’ but, that’s one of those old fashioned attitudes I had to live with in my life. I have lived through and survived an abusive relationship I didn’t share. I have been raped too by a guy at one point, I don’t normally share that information. By so many people I have been emotionally scared.
Remember I said about the lives that others create for themselves? That’s one of the classic ways I have been hurt. Getting to know me people have turned to me for help knowing I could and would. Once they get what they want they then have to create a fake news story about me to distance themselves from the problems they needed sorting. I’ve been a victim of crime and ended up the one who got the blame for it and was visited by the police. Homophobic abuse to a huge level. I have been accused more times than I can count of benefit fraud and had to prove it did not happen many times over. I’ve had officials suggest it wasn’t appropriate for me as a gay man to take my disabled son to a toilet. I could write and write about all the negativity in my life but, that gets us nowhere other than to suggest I might actually know what I am talking about.
The reality of my life is that all the best flowers grow best in shit. To occasional enjoy the beauty in life I have to that knowledge firmly fixed in my head. Eventually, this shit will be the fertiliser from which something wonderful will grow.
Just look at this great times:
On holiday with my first boyfriend in Majorca. I fell head of heels in love and then after three years, he disappeared which totally screwed me up

Yes, in the 80’s I had the hair and the huge glasses and was about to embark on a marriage which would last 14 years and lead to 4 children and 4 grandchildren.

Still with huge glasses and a perm, in the late 80’s on my wedding day

That wedding day:


My mum, bless her, had died just three weeks earlier. Honestly, I was in no mood to get married but it seemed pointless to cancel it. We were expecting our first child and delay would make the whole thing ‘awkward’. Because of family infighting and some evil ones within my family we were denied the people I would want to see, the day was really quite the emotional disaster.

The following years moved along. I was mainly working, a short while as a house husband but mainly working. in 1993 we had a really bad road accident which could have been so much worse. The long lasting effect on me was the start of my depression, something I have never got over.

By 1995 the pressure of living as a gay man became too much for me and it marked the start of the end of my marriage. By 2001 it was all over.

My body shape had wandered in and out several times but by the Millennium I was fit and ready to start my gay life … with 4 children, two of whom were very disabled.
I had a long term relationship which had a whole host of compromises attached to it, I think at the time I was living someone else’s idea of a gay life. Eventually for one reason or another this fizzled out in 2004
2006 I met someone else, we civil partnered in 2009 and that was dead by 2012. In the meantime I’d become a grandfather a few times over.
In 2015 I’d start online dating the man I would eventually marry and in later that year we met up
What I did not realise at this time was that in 2014 I had got a virus I didn’t quite recover from which led to me getting M.E. and I have been on a steady decline ever since. It’s an invisible illness though so, on the whole, most think I am a liar and make it all up. I can’t change that and regardless of what they think I still have to live with it albeit the extra help and understanding would be good.

In 2017 we got married locally in front of many we love and care about. Sadly, some are no longer with us and they are missed every day. It was a wonderful occasion and I am so grateful for my good fortune.


That shit though? Yes, I am in shit loads of debt now, debt I will never clear as things look right now, a constant worry. My health makes me watch my life go by unable to enjoy it like I used to.

Look, to get here has got a whole lot of fertiliser used.

This is my heart on my sleeve. I can tell you that being there for others is rarely reciprocated, it’s a terrible life investment but that’s me.

July Already

I am struggling somewhat with depression and anxiety at the moment. Rather a lot of things are really getting to me.

There is the issue of the garden which probably irritates me the most. Losing £3500+ to a rogue trader who left me with an utter disaster and not being able to do anything about it. I am taking legal action but am fully expecting that I just threw good money after bad and will never see a penny back from it.

Seeing the mess every day is a constant reminder of the time I became a statistic, something I thought would never happen.
Not getting money back yet from Disneyland after months of trying is upsetting me too, it just shouldn’t happen, not with Disney, it’s like showing Mickey smoking dope! No Disney, sort yourselves out.
An issue whereby I was using a charity to help me with my PiP claim but they sort of were not helping just giving me more stress.So, it looks like I am on my own with that one.
I understand we have Covid-19 still raging but the total lack of any support for day to day conditions from the NHS. It makes no sense how it is fine to go to a pub but not to see a consultant, or have a telephone consultation, they cannot all be treating Covid-19 patients.
There are good things happening too, this is always the case but, right now I’m feeling a certain burdensome amount of injustice,