Author: Steve Antipolo

As we move on our annual passage through life saying farewell to one year and welcoming in the next I think it is important to look at our lives and take ownership.

Some of us will have had a horrible childhood, it could be bullying, neglect or some other thing we consider to not have been ‘the best’. In later years we make choices, adult choices and sometimes we forget those choices and blame life in general for our situation.

Do not please get me wrong, many things in life are indeed, unfair, some, possibly many are just plain wrong but accepting those we do have to realise we make choices.

As an adult we can choose to let go of our childhood, accept that it happened but agree with ourselves that the only way to move forward is to stop allowing ourselves to blame the past for where we are, that’s just an excuse we tell ourselves because, let’s face it, life can be a scary prospect. We get so used to saying this or that causes us not to whatever that it becomes a comfort blanket for us.

As a Carer to two of my children I maybe spent a little too long asking ‘why me’ and it took years to realise, being their carer, no matter how I tried to blame life in general, was my choice. We’ve all heard someone say that it doesn’t matter what our unborn children are ‘as long as they’re healthy’, we’ve all heard that so, why we go into parenting on the assumption that his aspiration will with certainty apply to use should be a mystery! We chose to have children, if we made an informed choice we also chose to have our disabled children. We then chose to continue to care for them ourselves until whatever age, many will never stop but, this isn’t something society forces us to do, we do it from choice. Bottom line it, we do. If we dropped dead then someone, somewhere would still care for them, we’re important but not irreplaceable in their care only in the love they receive from us.

As someone with a Dad who has dementia, I made a choice there too. I chose that I was not going to be his carer. I could have been but instead I opted out and he went into a home. I’d been a Carer for some 30 years, enough was enough. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I chose not to do it.

We do choose in life what to do.

If our husband or wife gets ill, well, we chose our role there too unless we specifically tweaked what we promised when we got married because the standard promise is, in sickness and in health, for better or worse. Sure, their illness is horrible, it’s unfair but our caring role was then and remains now, a choice.

Once we accept that we’re not victims, we’re good, decent people with a lot of love to give who have made choices we can be proud of where we are in life. We’re not failures, we chose the path we walk. We still have choices, we can walk off the path any time we like. We may not like the alternative options but we cannot and should not pretend they are not there.

Look, I chose to be heterosexual. Back in the 1970’s, unless someone lived in a major city being gay and living a gay life wasn’t really viable, it would have meant a lot of stigma and generally stuff I didn’t want in my life. Contrary to what people ask me which is, ‘When did you decide to be gay?’ I chose to be straight, being gay is my natural state. So, life dealt me the gay card and I didn’t like it so I chose an alternative which, quite frankly, didn’t work out so well for me but I did make a choice, I don’t blame life for that choice. Eventually I chose not to pretend to be heterosexual any longer, life got better for me. I’d thrown away my excuse book and took a risk on me and felt all the better for it.

Sure, by then I had 4 children, two of them disabled but, again, that was my choice. When I divorced, they stayed with me, again, my choice. When I became ineffective as a Carer and when I missed having a relationship with my children, I quit and over time both the disabled ones went into a home of their own with Carers, they became my kids again once I realised me being their carer had effectively stopped me enjoying life with them as their dad.

Life didn’t make the ‘normal’ kids rebellious and difficult after their brother and sister did, that was my choice. I chose to sacrifice their childhood for my other choice of caring perhaps too long for their siblings. When my youngest got involved with the wrong young man and got pregnant, the years of hell I went through with him were, let’s be fair, my choice.

I could look at society and argue that many would say a man at 53 who has not ‘worked’ for 23 years and is single should accept their lot in life, settle down in front of the television with his slippers and enjoy being a grandparent. I could do that but, I won’t. To do so means years of accepting I made choices would be for nothing if I start making excuses now. So, I found someone amazing. I went to the other side of the planet to do it, many thought, probably still think I am bonkers but, that’s my choice, to live my life, not their perception of my life. After getting stung by someone from the other side of the planet, even I though for a while that falling for someone else there was madness but, I stuck in there and concluded that the other mistake was my choice. It wasn’t some act of hatred the world had on me, it was me making a choice, choosing to ignore warning signs and then, I have to accept, a bad choice. Each new person in our lives is not someone we already knew, we don’t have the right to pigeon hole people. Each individual is the sum of their choices, no two the same. In remembering that I was able to form a relationship with someone, a very good one and have plans to get married now.

So, remember, where ever we are in life, whatever went wrong with life, we have a choice to make a choice. It’s not about every year starting fresh, it’s about every moment of every day doing it, making our choices for our reasons and backing ourselves up on those choices. It’s about making a different choice when the one we made before doesn’t work. It’s a terribly British thing to complain but do nothing … how many of us have been asked by a waiter how a totally awful meal is in a restaurant and answered ‘fine thanks!’ We choose that life choice to accept a bad situation rather than change it. The replacement meal might be just as bad or worse but, at least we tried something, we didn’t just accept that life is like that we tried to change it.

A cliché is that we have to kiss a lot of frogs in life and that’s true. Life is trial and error. If we live someone else’s idea of what we must or should do then, we’ve no one to blame but ourselves. There is no rule book on how we have to do life within the law.

Remember also, the best things grown when plenty of manure is used so, accept that to grow and enjoy life, you need to have some shit.

It’s easy to write off a year and be glad to see the back of it but, even the worst years will have added something to our life experiences and made us who we are. What we do with those good or bad experiences shows everyone what we’re about. Not bragging too much about the good, not overplaying the bad. Coping when we can cope and accepting the help when we cannot.

For me perhaps ‘interesting’ best described this rapidly departing year. One of highs and lows both of which have been heavy on the emotion.

Serious issues with Zoey resulted in her finally moving out. That was a very unpleasant experience for many involved.

Me and Dennis getting stronger in our relationship, becoming engaged, failing to get a visitors visa for him to come here, succeeding on getting a fiancé visa, huge highs and lows. Dealing with some huge trust and betrayal issues along the way and coming through it making us stronger. My getting close to the new family over in the Philippines

Setting in motion getting Dad moved up to Northampton. My terrible choice of solicitors and all the headaches which came with that choice. Relatives getting too involved, an ex wife not stepping away as she should and making life for Dad and those around him more unpleasant and, in October his dementia taking a turn for the worse and his ending up in a home and me effectively becoming a landlord of his Northampton flat.

I’ve been really fortunate and done some amazing travelling this year and travel remains a passion of mine.

So many celebrities died this year but, if I am honest, it makes no difference to me, their work lives on and none of them were people I knew personally. It’s sad for their loved one but for the rest of us, we have our own people we need to think about.

My health has been reasonable I guess.

One thing I know my mind wanders to is seeing my Dad how he is and realising, when he’s gone, I become the older generation. I think our parents cushion us from the realisation that we have become our grandparents. I am a granddad and yet, I don’t consider myself anything like the grandparents I remember and, perhaps that was because they didn’t have parents, how can we ever really be old if our parents are still alive? I do remember my nan at 50 and ‘knowing’ she was old. My mum never managed to get as old as I am now. It doesn’t help when I hear the question … ‘what were things like in your day’ like, today isn’t my day, I’ve had my day!

As I say goodbye and thank you to 2016 what does 2017 hold?

Let’s be honest, much of what happened this year I could not have predicted in 2015! The plan was always to bring Dennis here in 2017 but, that meant not applying for the visa until June of 2017 with his arriving perhaps in September and, knowing Dennis, he’d have extended that until 2018 anyway! I didn’t imagine Zoey would be moving out in 2016. I honestly thought Dad was fine in Wickford, certainly had no plans for him to move to Northampton and never expected he’d be living in a home.

So, my flimsy guesswork for 2017 … me and Dennis get married in March. We succeed and get the next stage visa and we’re both working by July. We go Disneyland Paris in November. That’s as far as my thinking has gone with what I hope is likely.

I have some wishes … I’d like some resolution to my allergy issues. I’d like to be financially secure, no more money worries. I would like anyone who currently has depression to be better able to manage it.

So, not a vast, in detail appraisal, the tiniest of summaries. There are blog entries throughout 2016 for anyone wishing more detail.

Be safe, be healthy and love yourself

I visited an old school friend earlier, first time I’d seen him in several years. When I say ‘old’ I mean the same age as me but, in his case, ‘old’ works. He answered the door and whilst it was obviously him what I saw was a little bent over old man.

This guy has been an alcoholic for a great many years. He’s lacked confidence for as long as I can remember and acted the fool at school as it was his mask to hide his insecurities. He was a young man growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who was of a generation which were always old in attitude and look, a lovely lady but, never young from my recollection, probably into her 40’s when she had him. He has a brother who put it about, on wife number 3 and I lose count how many children he acknowledges. His older brother was gay, he passed with a HIV related illness a long while back.

He’s spent his life in the closet, not just for his sexuality, which he now acknowledges but also from life itself, too afraid to live a life in case it all goes wrong and, as a result, it’s all gone wrong.

By comparison, hell, forget the comparison, I have been really fortunate in my life, so much has worked out OK and I am mainly happy, healthy and looking forward. My friend has memories of his youth, predominantly around getting drunk and it wasn’t unknown for me to join him, back then it was just a social drink. How sad it was to see him drinking a cider so cheap it comes in plastic bottles with a name I’d never seen before.

He says he’s happy, I believe he thinks he is. I wish he’d made different decisions, life would have been so much kinder to this little old man I went to school with.

In the last month I finalised the sale of Dad’s flat in Essex, I worked out a 3 year plan whereby he keeps the ownership of the new flat in Northampton and has tenants in (already done) and this part pays for his care home which I found and he’s been in now  for 3 weeks. It’s a 3 year plan because part of that funding comes from his savings. Sadly, they won’t last forever but, when they expire, in about 3 years, the property should be worth a lot more than currently it is and he’ll have an additional funding source adequate for the rest of his life.

I visited Dad the once after he moved into the care home but it was a horrible experience. He’s was at the stage whereby he knew I was, sort of knew who Daisy was but is in lala land for most everything else. He’s totally forgotten that I’ve been there for him these past few years and blames me for everything in his life going wrong. I will visit again but it’s been a really hectic time so I need to get myself emotionally strong enough first because, Dad isn’t all which is on my mind.

Zoey reverted to her animal state at around the same time. This time they’ve not rushed her into hospital and placed her back on medication but, the results are not particularly good. She’s been very nasty and aggressive, not taking care of herself and she’s put a lot of weight on. To a great extent I have left it to her carers to manage it with me more as a consultant, I am not responsible for her now and so stepping back seems a sensible move especially as her medics are once again looking for someone or something to blame. Obviously, be stepping back they could blame me for not being more involved but I have to keep reminding myself that kids moving out at a certain age is normal, I don’t need to micro manage what is already in place, I need to leave them to do their job.

I had some really serious issues with the registration services in Northampton. Once again they were doing the whole misinformation thing about how much notice we had to give for our wedding. For the vast majority of people it is 28 days, for some, those who didn’t already go the appropriate visa route, it can be much longer. The law is quite clear, with the fiancé visa we have all the documents we need to just require 28 days but they were insistent that I was talking rubbish and that we’d have to cancel the wedding and arrange it for later in the year! Eventually I got them to see my way seeing as it’s the law and not the damn inaccurate guideline they were working on!

So, this is the December update. Dennis will be here next month, right at the very end but next month. Christmas is just around the corner and I am attempting to relax despite life making that difficult!